Smart Mouth Jokes
These jokes were sent in by a faithful reader. Honestly, I debated with myself, but I was laughing so hard my resistance was low. Here they are, and thank you – you know who you are. π
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn ‘ t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma ‘ am, they ‘ re dead.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I ‘ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won ‘ t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
“Arab Education Falling Behind”
In a study recently released, the World Bank reports that education in the Arab World is falling behind. You can read the entire article HERE at BBC Middle East News:
The World Bank has said the quality of education in the Arab World is falling behind other regions and needs urgent reform if it is to tackle unemployment.
In a report, Bank officials said Arab states had to make improving education their top priority, because it went hand-in-hand with economic development.
The region had not seen the increasing literacy and school enrolment witnessed in Asia and Latin America, they said.
Djibouti, Yemen, Iraq and Morocco were ranked the worst educational reformers.
The bright spot? Here is one of the concluding paragraphs:
The report concluded that Jordan and Kuwait were the top educational reformers in the region, while Djibouti, Yemen, Iraq and Morocco ranked lowest in terms of access, efficiency and quality of education.
(An editorial Wooooo Hooooooo to Kuwait!)
One Week, Four Cuts
Doesn’t anyone else find it very strange that in one week, the internet connection cables would be cut in four different places? The Egyptians have announced that no, it was not fishing boats or any other boats anchoring that cut the cable there by accident, the area is a “no-go” zone, is under sattelite observation, and no ships were in the area.
I just think that four in one week goes beyond co-incidence.
Beware: Men in Veils
I know y’all think I am just so very creative coming up with all these titles, but the truth is – I don’t have to! This is the exact title from this morning’s Arab Times.
By Muneef Naif
Special to the Arab Times and Agencies
βMen in veilβ kidnap, rob woman, rape attempted
KUWAIT : Police are looking for three unidentified persons wearing veils β one woman and two men dressed as women β for kidnapping a 33-year-old Kuwaiti woman, stealing her handbag containing KD 130 and a gold chain, reports Al-Anba daily.
The woman in her complaint told the Fahaheel police the trio bundled her in their Suburban and took her to an unidentified location. One of the men also tried to rape her inside the vehicle.
The trio then tied her and kept her in the vehicle, until the woman went sold the chain in a gold market and returned with the money. Then they dumped her at an unidentified location and escaped.
An Asian passerby reportedly untied the woman after she had been struggling to set herself free for over an hour and a half.
Update – I think this is the same story because so many specifics are the same, but this is how the story appears in the Kuwait Times:
Masked Men Rob, Gag Kuwaiti Woman
A 38 year old Kuwaiti woman registered a complaint with Fahaheel police that, at 9pm, as she walked to her car after a shopping trip, three masked man (sic) dragged her forcibly into a four-wheel drive and kidnapped her. She said the men were also accompanied by a woman wearing aveil who, along the way, snatched a gold bracelet from her wrist and sold it at a jewelry shop. The men snatched her handbag, which contained KD 130 and then tied her arms and legs and abandoned her in a dark open area. An asian expatriate passing by spotted the woman and untied her arms. She later reported the matter to police, and the case is under investigation.
“Bookstores, Bathouses, Bars . . . “
I’m following The Shield, a hard-edged detective show I have followed, when I can, ever since Glen Close was the police chief. If you thought Glen Close was tough as Cruella de Ville, wish you could see her as police chief/ π
The guy standing next to her is Detective Vic Mackey, a renegade plainclothes cop who plays fast and loose with the system. You know me, Mrs. Law and Order – whoda thunk I would find myself rooting for this guy as he undergoes close scrutiny from the Internal Affairs Division. He’s really a bad guy. He does really bad things. He is a LIAR! He lies to everybody! He kills people, he steals dope and money. And somehow you find yourself pulling for him. I don’t know why.
But the reason I am writing about this is because in yesterday’s episode, a couple guys get their private organs caught in rat traps because they stuck their organ in a place called a “glory hole” for a little excitement and got more than they had bargained for (ouch). See what you can learn from these shows? And this is on during daylight viewing hours?
So the new police chief, a very cool and tough black woman, tells the detectives to go check “bookstores, bathhouses, bars, you know, the places these perverts hang out. . . ” and I am thinking “BOOKSTORES?” BOOKSTORES?? I hang out in bookstores all the time! I never see any perverts at the Barnes and Noble, or Half Price Books!
The things you learn on televison. I hope children are not watching this show!
Not Spam
My apologies this morning to UmmAdam, GreY, Mirror Polisher and Touche, all of whom left comments which I found in the spam section.
I DE-SPAMMED them, deleted all the ones that wanted to sell me Viagra and lengthen my penis and help me get a credit card, and then when I went to the Dashboard – the de-spammed comments weren’t there! I have looked everywhere.
I don’t know what is happening, why WordPress is not allowing commenters who have been active before, have never had a problem. Aaaarrrgh!
5 Women Shot in Clothing Store
On AOL News this morning, there is a story about five women being shot in a Chicago clothing store. The story is still emerging; the police suspect it was a robbery.
I had a friend who lived in Berlin, when Berlin was still a divided city. From time to time she would be asked to take some visiting VIP across the checkpoints to see the sights and do some shopping in East Berlin. One time she took a distinguished visitor to a shop specializing in optics.
He cried out “DID YOU SEE THE PRICE ON THOSE BINOCULARS??”
Those were his last words. He clutched his chest and had a heart attack right then. He died on the sidewalk.
Of all the things in the world I don’t want, I don’t want to die like that, not shopping for clothing, not so excited over a bargain in the Leica shop that I have a fatal heart attack. We never know when our time is up. As believers, we don’t get to choose.
I pray to be able to die with some kind of dignity.
Ring Roads to be Modified
Here is another very small article in the Kuwait Times that is about to have a big impact on all our lives.
Roads to be Modified
The Ministry of Public Works, in cooperation with an international consultation office, recently signed a contract to develop and modify the Second Ring Road, the Third Ring Road, Cairo street and Damascus street. The contract includes the construction of bridges and tunnels on the road’s current intersections and building new intersections if necessary. The contract was signed by Minister of Public Works and MInister of Municipality Affairs Moussa As-Sarraf and has an estimated cost of KD 1.2 million and a duration of 18 months.
It’s going to be a mess, but if it has been well thought through, it should be SO worth it. Already, traffic along the Gulf Road at Bida’a (formerly Bida’a circle) has improved enormously – and I bet the accident rate there has already dropped, too.
Doesn’t that sum sound meager for so much anticipated improvement? Like KD 1.2 million is about the cost of building a serious villa in Kuwait these days, isn’t it? Bridges and tunnels are costly – and labor intensive. That just sounds like a bargain for all the work that is going to be done.
Another Glorious Day
Woooo Hoooooo, Goooooooooooood Moooorrrrnnnnning, Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwaaaaiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttt!
It is COOOLLLDDDD this morning again, 4Β°C/39Β°F, and the sky is clear. There is a very thin layer of haze on the horizon; it is so clear I can see the freighters far out in the Gulf and the gleam of roofs out on Failaika Island. Woooo Wooooo, a glorious day in Kuwait!
For you non-morning people, I apologize for my enthusiasm and for waking you. π
And finally, I have added a Sunrise Series to my catagories, it’s about time, hmmm?
Where Things Go?
This last week I had a lot of shopping to do, and specific things I was looking for. I pretty well know where to look for what I am seeking now, in spite of the fact that the grocery stores here have a different logic than the logic I am used to.
It’s not a right or wrong thing; it is a different cultures thing. I had the same issues when I would be looking for things in the German supermarkets, or the French supermarkets, or even shopping in Florida supermarkets as opposed to West Coast supermarkets.
I was looking for chopped pimentos, (AdventureMan has a yearning for a Southern staple called Pimento Cheese) which I sort of found and sort of didn’t. What I eventually found, in the condiment section, with the pickles, was canned roasted peppers, which I then chopped into tiny pieces.
Most of the time, I don’t have any trouble finding pimentos, but for some reason, the last month or two, I haven’t been able to find them until today. Usually, if I am going to find pimentos, I find them in the same section with tomato paste, hot pepper paste, and spicy Indian pickles. Condiments like mustards, mayonnaises, steak sauces, ketchups and baby foods are all up on top of the frozen foods. (See! I don’t KNOW why!) Today, I actually found them in the American pickle section. I don’t know why.
In the dairy department, there isn’t a yoghurt section, or a milk section, there is a KDD Dairy section and an Al Marai Dairy section, and (there are more) today none of the sections had sour cream, and in fact, they didn’t think they had ever had sour cream although I buy it there all the time.
At this point, I have bought so much “just in case I never see it again, ” that I can’t get a single thing more in my freezer.
There is a deli section, where they sell fresh soft cheese, a huge variety of olives, and big flats of eggs, 30 at a time. In the bread section, they also sell potato chips and taco chips. Soda crackers are sold mixed in with what we think of as cookies, sweet biscuits. Cat food is sold next to the baby food and bottled water. Go figure!
After a while, you just kind of know, you kind of get used to it.
The market we used to go to in France was about 1/3 wine, 1/3 fresh vegetables, cheeses, meats and terrines, and the remaining 1/3 was regular groceries!
(Not my photo. I found it at about.com GoFrance)
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