Here There and Everywhere

Expat wanderer

Thanksgiving on the Bayou

The Thanksgiving venue changed this year. We all have families, families have struggles, and one of those struggles meant that the Thanksgiving celebration would shift to another home. Same cast of characters, same fabulous food, just a different location.

The organization is superb. Everyone has a part to play. Nieces and nephews arrive to assist in preparations, clearing the grounds, putting out tables and chairs, helping wherever they can. Cousins get to spend time together, catching up, as they work together. The aunts are all busy in the kitchens, cutting, chopping, baking, cooking, stewing, putting their best efforts into making the dishes everyone loves.

The guys do the turkeys. They may have help, but the turkeys seem to be the guys prerogatives. They also carry in the hams.

There are so many desserts that they won’t fit on one table. They won’t fit on two tables! When all the desserts are put on the tables, there are still back-up pies and cakes in the pie-safe behind the table!

Cousins fill glasses with ice; guest can choose lemonade, sweet tea or “un”

The tables groan with turkeys, hams and side dishes – beans and peas from the garden, corn bread, sweet potato casseroles, and more, much, much more:

There is fun for everyone – kayak rides, tractor rides, and ring toss:

There’s always a special room where babies can nap – this is a very child friendly celebration. This family loves babies and little ones, and encourages all the cousins to stay close. It’s always a full day, Thanksgiving, with much for which to give thanks. 🙂 When the great meal is over, people play, visit, walk, chat . . . and then sneak back for another taste of their favorite dish!

November 25, 2012 Posted by | Cold Drinks, Community, Cooking, Cultural, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Florida, Friends & Friendship, Living Conditions, Relationships, Travel | 4 Comments

Lincoln Movie

We’ve never seen this happen in Pensacola before. We went to see the afternoon showing of Lincoln at the Bayou Rav Theaters and it was totally sold out. People! This is the weekend before Thanksgiving! Aren’t you supposed to be grocery shopping and baking and polishing silver for Thanksgiving? This isn’t James Bond, this is a historical movie! What are you thinking??

November 18, 2012 Posted by | Aging, Entertainment, Family Issues, Humor, Movie | 2 Comments

In General – a Feast for the Birds

“In general,” the man next to me said winking to signal the pun, “he was inappropriate, and we had to let him go.”

In The Lectionary, the New Testament reading for today is in Revelations, always an ominous book, and I thought of this verse in the reading for today:

Rev 19:21And the rest were killed by the sword of the rider on the horse, the sword that came from his mouth; and all the birds were gorged with their flesh.

I haven’t even checked the news for today, yet, took care of a few household chores and read my lessons for today. When I saw this last verse, I thought of the conversation last night, and of the carrion birds flocking and twittering and crowing over the carcasses of three generals.

Sadly, each of them is – or once was – an honorable man. One is brought down by greed, one confesses to lust, and one may be innocent of everything but having received 20 – 30,000 e-mails from what AdventureMan calls a “General Groupie.”

It isn’t just generals, it is what happens to men who become, in some way, important. Little birdies with their admiring eyes flock around “important men” as if the scent of their power were an aphrodisiac, or as if his power or aura might rub off on her. People jump to do your will. It is tempting to begin to think you might deserve this special treatment, to be so admired, to have the taxpayer fund your excesses . . . It is particularly difficult, I think, to maintain a proportionate sense of who you are when the world starts tempting you to think you are special.

The general brought down by greed was brought down by those serving him, those who were disgusted by his excesses and his misuse of taxpayer monies. It wasn’t just one person or two – it was many people documenting his greed, arrogance and misappropriation of funds.

The two other generals have lost their reputations, their futures and their peace, as the news-carrion birds feast on their carcasses. Sadly, these were good men who yielded to temptation. General Petraeus could have been President of the United States. General Allan may be entirely innocent of all wrong doing, but still, the birds are feasting. Their reputations and their dignity are stained and torn, and their humiliations are thrust upon their innocent families. The accusations against them have become grist for gossip and jokes across the nation. It’s a sad day for those who served our country so well.

November 14, 2012 Posted by | Biography, Character, Cultural, Family Issues, Financial Issues, Friends & Friendship, Marriage, Mating Behavior, Social Issues, Spiritual, Work Related Issues | Leave a comment

Doc by Mary Doria Russell

Mary Doria Russell is one of my favorite authors because she tackles large topics fearlessly, humorously and with great compassion. I first read her many years ago in a novel called Children Of God; you can read it stand-alone as I did, but I should have read The Sparrow, which preceded it. That one is about the Jesuits who take the Gospel into outer space, and has some laugh-out-loud moments in the midst of utter hopelessness. Yes. She’s that kind of author, my kind of woman.

Here is the ending Question and Answer from an interview at the back of Doc, an interview with John Connelly:

Q: Authors are often asked what advice they’d give young writers. I would like to ask you a similar question: What do you think the worst advice a young writer could get is?

Mary Doria Russell: Major in English. Join a writer’s group. Blog.

My advice is to major in and do something REAL. Have an actual 3-D life of your own. And please, shut up about it until you’ve got something genuinely wise or useful or thoughtful to share. Then again, I’m a cranky old lady! What the hell do I know?

Reading a book about legendary heroes of the Old West is not something I looked forward to, so the book languished on my “to read” pile until one day I picked it up just because it is written by Mary Doria Russell, and because she has knocked my socks off with every book I’ve read by her.

It starts off slow, summing up the early genteel years of John Henry Holliday in Georgia, just prior to, during and after the War Between the States. At 22 he is diagnosed with acute tuberculosis, and is advised that a drier climate out West might provide him with a more comfortable life, as short as it was likely to be. He had trained as a dentist, so he had a skill. Times were hard, and while he was a very very good dentist, it was a good thing he also had skills with card playing, to supplement his income when people didn’t have the money to go to the dentist.

Don’t skip over the early years, because what happens in the early years resonates into his years living in the West. The majority of the book takes place in Dodge, a border town where laws are made over a card game and by the men who will profit from them. Lives are hard, and short. While it is surely the wild west, the focus is on the relationships Doc builds – Wyatt and Morgan Earp (all the Earp brothers), Bat Masterson, the gals . . . here is where Russell’s artistry shines; the cardboard figures begin to become real people. We start to like one or two, admire another, despise one more.

Here’s what I love about Mary Doria Russell – without being at all preachy, she makes you stop and think about some of the values you hold most dear. Once you get west, 80% of the women featured in the book are prostitutes. Most of the characters drink heavily, and routinely use drugs which are today restricted to prescriptions. There is corruption, and murder, and arson, and abortion, and contraception, and adultery, and there is no one character who is purely good or purely evil, they are all complicated, just as we are. She can lead you to dislike a character, who at just the right moment knows just the right thing to say, and suddenly, you see that character differently, because another facet of his or her character has been revealed.

In the questions at the back of the book, we are asked if we were to meet Doc Holliday, would we like him? I had to ask the question the other way around – if I were to meet Doc Holliday, how would he perceive me? I found myself thinking outside the box, found myself thinking that if I knew my life were going to be very very short, would I want to hang around with normal people, dull, predictable people? Maybe people who look better on the outside than they are, or think more highly of themselves than they ought? Doc Holliday hung around with lawmen and gamblers and prostitutes and bartenders; his patients were law-abiding church-going citizens. Who gave greater color and meaning to his life? Who were more likely to be down-to-earth and practical and unpretentious?

There is an absolutely delightful segment about a Jesuit priest from an old Hungarian aristocratic family who finds himself riding out to visit all the small Catholic Indian parishes on a donkey, replacing a highly popular priest who is very sick; he is teased and mocked and treated with disrespect. One night, cold and wet, covered with dirt and filth in the desert, he has an epiphany that changes his life. Mary Doria Russell books have these luminous moments, worth reading the entire book for, and which will bring a smile of memory to your face long after you have finished reading the book.

November 3, 2012 Posted by | Adventure, Biography, Books, Character, Civility, Community, Cross Cultural, ExPat Life, Faith, Family Issues, Fiction, Financial Issues, Living Conditions | Leave a comment

Daily Readings on Gossip

I grew up in a culture that thrives on gossip and speculation. Today’s reading from The Lectionary reminds me to gurd my tongue; never to repeat a conversation, unless not to repeat it would be a sin, as in murder or abuse.

Sirach 19:4-17

4 One who trusts others too quickly has a shallow mind,
and one who sins does wrong to himself.
5 One who rejoices in wickedness* will be condemned,*
6 but one who hates gossip has less evil.
7 Never repeat a conversation,
and you will lose nothing at all.
8 With friend or foe do not report it,
and unless it would be a sin for you, do not reveal it;
9 for someone may have heard you and watched you,
and in time will hate you.
10 Have you heard something? Let it die with you.
Be brave, it will not make you burst!
11 Having heard something, the fool suffers birth-pangs
like a woman in labour with a child.
12 Like an arrow stuck in a person’s thigh,
so is gossip inside a fool.

13 Question a friend; perhaps he did not do it;
or if he did, so that he may not do it again.
14 Question a neighbour; perhaps he did not say it;
or if he said it, so that he may not repeat it.
15 Question a friend, for often it is slander;
so do not believe everything you hear.
16 A person may make a slip without intending it.
Who has not sinned with his tongue?
17 Question your neighbour before you threaten him;
and let the law of the Most High take its course.*

October 29, 2012 Posted by | Character, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Friends & Friendship, Interconnected, Lectionary Readings, Relationships, Social Issues, Values | Leave a comment

Not the Day I Expected

Last night just before we went to bed, I reminded AdventureMan to set his alarm clock back for the end of daylight savings time. It was so much fun, having an extra hour to do things, to read. It was so relaxing, waking up and knowing we had plenty of time to get to church. I got up, fixed my coffee and changed all the clocks downstairs.

As we drove to church, I noticed all the outdoor clocks along the way, still on the same old time. I was feeling very smug.

When we drove into the parking lot, it was full, which was odd, because it was early, even for the early service. When we saw people leaving, as we were driving in, I had the “aha” moment.

Oh wait. This isn’t the first week-end in November . . . 😦 I’ve gotten ahead of myself. I got the fruitcakes all done and I was ready for November, so ready that somehow, I thought it was a week later . . .

We missed the early service, LOL. We always think of the early service as Episcopal Lite; the express version. Instead, we attended the 10:30 service, and had a great treat at the end, Ken Keradin playing Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, you might know it as background music for other creepy movies.

You know how once a day gets started the wrong way, the rest of the day just seems weird? It is a gorgeous, chilly day, bright sunlight, and I can’t get started on any of my projects. I feel jangled, turned a little upside down. Now I have to go through all the clock changes again next week-end!

October 28, 2012 Posted by | Cultural, Family Issues, Humor, Living Conditions | 2 Comments

It’s Demographics . . .

I never thought I would see this day:

I remember when we lived in the Tampa area, we had a mortgage at 8%. We were selling the house, and I got a lot of calls from people who wanted me to take my next mortgage with them. I remember one guy, when I laughed at the rate he offered me, he asked what rate I thought I could get. I said 6% – and I told him, it’s demographics. The baby boomers are aging and are going to start selling or downsizing. There isn’t going to be the same market for housing that there used to be. He laughed at me and wished me luck before hanging up.

I think I got the next mortgage around 7%. We only had it five years and paid it off, and when we got the next mortgage, it was at 5.5% and we laughed every time we made a payment.

When we bought this house, we had a mortgage at 4%. To me, I had thought 6% was about the lowest mortgages could go, I was so so so so wrong.

Now, when I see these mortgage rates, I feel like I SHOULD buy something, but we are all paid off and we don’t need anything more. It sure is tempting, but it’s like Sam’s Club, where you get a great deal on nutmeg, if you need 10 lbs of nutmeg, but who can use ten pounds of nutmeg in a lifetime? It just doesn’t make sense, but the low rate is SO tempting . . .

October 25, 2012 Posted by | Customer Service, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Financial Issues, Living Conditions, Social Issues | Leave a comment

Happy Boy Swimming

“How did it go?” AdventureMan asked as I came in. He had a dental appointment and couldn’t take the Happy Little Boy to his swimming lesson, so I had taken him.

“It’s probably one of the best days of my life,” I told him. “Happy Little Boy had so much fun. He was really swimming on his own, using the ring, even floating on his back. He was really happy.”

A year ago, he was more fearful and clingy. He had his good days and bad days at the pool, mostly good, thanks to some really good teachers. To see him so happy, so confident, so joyful – now that is a really good day. I feel so blessed to have been a part of it.

This morning was his last parent-child class; now he will be joining the bigger kids swimming classes, where we take him and he and the other kids work directly with the teacher without us in the pool . . . so this is the end of an era.

My Mother was asking for some recent shots, so this morning AdventureMan took him in, and I shot some photos. These are for you, Mom 🙂

We have strong feelings about children learning as young as possible how to be safe in the water. As one of our swimming buddies said, “Florida is surrounded by water.” They had better know the rudiments of water safety. Thank goodness for the YMCA, Miss Donna and Miss Bonnie.

(Photos courtesy of adoring grandmother, LOL!)

October 11, 2012 Posted by | Adventure, Aging, Exercise, Family Issues, Florida, Health Issues, Living Conditions, Pensacola, Safety | 4 Comments

Seattle Couple Does Not Win Parents of the Year

Woodinville Couple Caught Speeding with 3 Children in Trunk, State Patrol Says
A Woodinville couple was arrested Sunday after they were allegedly caught speeding on Interstate 405 with the woman’s three children and a small dog locked in the trunk, according to The Herald.

By Lisa Baumann

OUTSIDE SEATTLE — A local couple was arrested Sunday after they were allegedly caught speeding with the woman’s three children and a small dog locked in the trunk, according to The Herald.

The Woodinville woman was pulled over by a Washington State Patrol trooper just before 11 a.m. in Bothell going 77 mph in a 60-mph zone on Interstate 405, trooper Keith Leary said.

She didn’t say anything about the children until about 30 minutes into the roadside stop when the trooper heard thumping coming from the trunk and asked about the noise, the report said.

The children, an 8-year-old girl, and two boys, 5 and 7, were taken into protective custody – and reportedly fed lunch by troopers after the kids said they hadn’t eaten since the day before.

A guitar and a snowboard filled up the backseat, the report said. A search of the car reportedly turned up heroin, methamphetamine, marijuana and prescription pills in the car.

The woman, 28, and her fiancé, 27, were taken to the Snohomish County Jail for investigation of drug charges. The dog was taken to a shelter. The couple is expected to be criminally charged sometime before Wednesday afternoon.

It’s enough to make you wish people had to have a license to have kids . . .

September 26, 2012 Posted by | Crime, Family Issues, Pensacola, Seattle | 8 Comments

Teachers’ Expectations Evoke Life-Changing Achievement

Yes, this is a long article from National Public Radio, but it’s important. I want you to read it, and if you have the time, go to the website – you can click on the blue type above – and listen to it yourself, because it is life changing for us, and for how we treat our children, too.

Do it at a time when you have time to listen. It caught me by surprise, but I was so enthralled, I stayed for the entire segment. Children with the greatest challenges can succeed, if they are nurtured and mentored. Any child can be a success; there are no losers. This is powerful stuff. 🙂

by ALIX SPIEGEL
In my Morning Edition story today, I look at expectations — specifically, how teacher expectations can affect the performance of the children they teach.

The first psychologist to systematically study this was a Harvard professor named Robert Rosenthal, who in 1964 did a wonderful experiment at an elementary school south of San Francisco.

The idea was to figure out what would happen if teachers were told that certain kids in their class were destined to succeed, so Rosenthal took a normal IQ test and dressed it up as a different test.

“It was a standardized IQ test, Flanagan’s Test of General Ability,” he says. “But the cover we put on it, we had printed on every test booklet, said ‘Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition.’ ”

Rosenthal told the teachers that this very special test from Harvard had the very special ability to predict which kids were about to be very special — that is, which kids were about to experience a dramatic growth in their IQ.

After the kids took the test, he then chose from every class several children totally at random. There was nothing at all to distinguish these kids from the other kids, but he told their teachers that the test predicted the kids were on the verge of an intense intellectual bloom.

As he followed the children over the next two years, Rosenthal discovered that the teachers’ expectations of these kids really did affect the students. “If teachers had been led to expect greater gains in IQ, then increasingly, those kids gained more IQ,” he says.

But just how do expectations influence IQ?

As Rosenthal did more research, he found that expectations affect teachers’ moment-to-moment interactions with the children they teach in a thousand almost invisible ways. Teachers give the students that they expect to succeed more time to answer questions, more specific feedback, and more approval: They consistently touch, nod and smile at those kids more.

“It’s not magic, it’s not mental telepathy,” Rosenthal says. “It’s very likely these thousands of different ways of treating people in small ways every day.”

So since expectations can change the performance of kids, how do we get teachers to have the right expectations? Is it possible to change bad expectations? That was the question that brought me to the Curry School of Education at the University of Virginia, where I met Robert Pianta.

Pianta, dean of the Curry School, has studied teachers for years, and one of the first things he told me when we sat down together was that it is truly hard for teachers to control their expectations.

“It’s really tough for anybody to police their own beliefs,” he said. “But think about being in a classroom with 25 kids. The demands on their thinking are so great.”

Still, people have tried. The traditional way, Pianta says, has been to sit teachers down and try to change their expectations through talking to them.

“For the most part, we’ve tried to convince them that the beliefs they have are wrong,” he says. “And we’ve done most of that convincing using information.”

But Pianta has a different idea of how to go about changing teachers’ expectations. He says it’s not effective to try to change their thoughts; the key is to train teachers in an entirely new set of behaviors.

For years, Pianta and his colleagues at the Curry School have been collecting videotapes of teachers teaching. By analyzing these videos in minute ways, they’ve developed a good idea of which teaching behaviors are most effective. They can also see, Pianta tells me, how teacher expectations affect both their behaviors and classroom dynamics.

Pianta gives one very specific example: the belief that boys are disruptive and need to be managed.

“Say I’m a teacher and I ask a question in class, and a boy jumps up, sort of vociferously … ‘I know the answer! I know the answer! I know the answer!’ ” Pianta says.

“If I believe boys are disruptive and my job is control the classroom, then I’m going to respond with, ‘Johnny! You’re out of line here! We need you to sit down right now.’ ”

This, Pianta says, will likely make the boy frustrated and emotionally disengaged. He will then be likely to escalate his behavior, which will simply confirm the teacher’s beliefs about him, and the teacher and kid are stuck in an unproductive loop.

But if the teacher doesn’t carry those beliefs into the classroom, then the teacher is unlikely to see that behavior as threatening.

Instead it’s: ” ‘Johnny, tell me more about what you think is going on … But also, I want you to sit down quietly now as you tell that to me,’ ” Pianta says.

“Those two responses,” he says, “are dictated almost entirely by two different interpretations of the same behavior that are driven by two different sets of beliefs.”

To see if teachers’ beliefs would be changed by giving them a new set of teaching behaviors, Pianta and his colleagues recently did a study.

They took a group of teachers, assessed their beliefs about children, then gave a portion of them a standard pedagogy course, which included information about appropriate beliefs and expectations. Another portion got intense behavioral training, which taught them a whole new set of skills based on those appropriate beliefs and expectations.

For this training, the teachers videotaped their classes over a period of months and worked with personal coaches who watched those videos, then gave them recommendations about different behaviors to try.

After that intensive training, Pianta and his colleagues analyzed the beliefs of the teachers again. What he found was that the beliefs of the trained teachers had shifted way more than the beliefs of teachers given a standard informational course.

This is why Pianta thinks that to change beliefs, the best thing to do is change behaviors.

“It’s far more powerful to work from the outside in than the inside out if you want to change expectations,” he says.

In other words, if you want to change a mind, simply talking to it might not be enough.

7 Ways Teachers Can Change Their Expectations

Researcher Robert Pianta offered these suggestions for teachers who want to change their behavior toward problem students:

Watch how each student interacts. How do they prefer to engage? What do they seem to like to do? Observe so you can understand all they are capable of.

Listen. Try to understand what motivates them, what their goals are and how they view you, their classmates and the activities you assign them.

Engage. Talk with students about their individual interests. Don’t offer advice or opinions – just listen.

Experiment: Change how you react to challenging behaviors. Rather than responding quickly in the moment, take a breath. Realize that their behavior might just be a way of reaching out to you.

Meet: Each week, spend time with students outside of your role as “teacher.” Let the students choose a game or other nonacademic activity they’d like to do with you. Your job is to NOT teach but watch, listen and narrate what you see, focusing on students’ interests and what they do well. This type of activity is really important for students with whom you often feel in conflict or who you avoid.

Reach out: Know what your students like to do outside of school. Make it a project for them to tell you about it using some medium in which they feel comfortable: music, video, writing, etc. Find both individual and group time for them to share this with you. Watch and listen to how skilled, motivated and interested they can be. Now think about school through their eyes.

Reflect: Think back on your own best and worst teachers, bosses or supervisors. List five words for each that describe how you felt in your interactions with them. How did the best and the worst make you feel? What specifically did they do or say that made you feel that way? Now think about how your students would describe you. Jot down how they might describe you and why. How do your expectations or beliefs shape how they look at you? Are there parallels in your beliefs and their responses to you?

September 17, 2012 Posted by | Adventure, Bureaucracy, Character, Community, Education, Experiment, Family Issues, Parenting, Social Issues, Values | 4 Comments