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The Power of Introverts (!)

For my friends who – like me – are introverted. 🙂 We’re OK! From AOL/Huffpost Healthy Living, an article you will love!

 

Gareth Cook
(Click here for the original article  

Do you enjoy having time to yourself, but always feel a little guilty about it? Then Susan Cain’s “Quiet : The Power of Introverts” is for you. It’s part book, part manifesto. We live in a nation that values its extroverts – the outgoing, the lovers of crowds – but not the quiet types who change the world. She recently answered questions from Mind Matters editor Gareth Cook.

Cook: This may be a stupid question, but how do you define an introvert? How can somebody tell whether they are truly introverted or extroverted? 

Cain: Not a stupid question at all! Introverts prefer quiet, minimally stimulating environments, while extroverts need higher levels of stimulation to feel their best. Stimulation comes in all forms – social stimulation, but also lights, noise, and so on. Introverts even salivate more than extroverts do if you place a drop of lemon juice on their tongues! So an introvert is more likely to enjoy a quiet glass of wine with a close friend than a loud, raucous party full of strangers.

It’s also important to understand that introversion is different from shyness. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, while introversion is simply the preference for less stimulation. Shyness is inherently uncomfortable; introversion is not. The traits do overlap, though psychologists debate to what degree.

Cook: You argue that our culture has an extroversion bias. Can you explain what you mean?

Cain: In our society, the ideal self is bold, gregarious, and comfortable in the spotlight. We like to think that we value individuality, but mostly we admire the type of individual who’s comfortable “putting himself out there.” Our schools, workplaces, and religious institutions are designed for extroverts. Introverts are to extroverts what American women were to men in the 1950s — second-class citizens with gigantic amounts of untapped talent.

In my book, I travel the country – from a Tony Robbins seminar to Harvard Business School to Rick Warren’s powerful Saddleback Church – shining a light on the bias against introversion. One of the most poignant moments was when an evangelical pastor I met at Saddleback confided his shame that “God is not pleased” with him because he likes spending time alone.

Cook: How does this cultural inclination affect introverts?

Cain: Many introverts feel there’s something wrong with them, and try to pass as extroverts. But whenever you try to pass as something you’re not, you lose a part of yourself along the way. You especially lose a sense of how to spend your time. Introverts are constantly going to parties and such when they’d really prefer to be home reading, studying, inventing, meditating, designing, thinking, cooking…or any number of other quiet and worthwhile activities.

According to the latest research, one third to one half of us are introverts – that’s one out of every two or three people you know. But you’d never guess that, right? That’s because introverts learn from an early age to act like pretend-extroverts.

Cook: Is this just a problem for introverts, or do you feel it hurts the country as a whole?

Cain: It’s never a good idea to organize society in a way that depletes the energy of half the population. We discovered this with women decades ago, and now it’s time to realize it with introverts.

This also leads to a lot of wrongheaded notions that affect introverts and extroverts alike. Here’s just one example: Most schools and workplaces now organize workers and students into groups, believing that creativity and productivity comes from a gregarious place. This is nonsense, of course. From Darwin to Picasso to Dr. Seuss, our greatest thinkers have often worked in solitude, and in my book I examine lots of research on the pitfalls of groupwork. 

Cook: Tell me more about these “pitfalls of groupwork.”

Cain: When you’re working in a group, it’s hard to know what you truly think. We’re such social animals  that we instinctively mimic others’ opinions, often without realizing we’re doing it. And when we do disagree consciously, we pay a psychic price. The Emory University neuroscientist Gregory Berns found that people who dissent from group wisdom show heightened activation in the amygdala, a small organ in the brain associated with the sting of social rejection. Berns calls this the “pain of independence.”

Take the example of brainstorming sessions, which have been wildly popular in corporate America since the 1950s, when they were pioneered by a charismatic ad executive named Alex Osborn. Forty years of research shows that brainstorming in groups is a terrible way to produce creative ideas. The organizational psychologist Adrian Furnham puts it pretty bluntly: The “evidence from science suggests that business people must be insane to use brainstorming groups. If you have talented and motivated people, they should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or efficiency is the highest priority.”

This is not to say that we should abolish groupwork. But we should use it a lot more judiciously than we do today.

Cook: What are some of the other misconceptions about introverts and extroverts?

Cain: One big one is the notion that introverts can’t be good leaders. According to groundbreaking new research by Adam Grant, a management professor at Wharton, introverted leaders sometimes deliver better outcomes than extroverts do. Introverts are more likely to let talented employees run with their ideas, rather than trying to put their own stamp on things. And they tend to be motivated not by ego or a desire for the spotlight, but by dedication to their larger goal. The ranks of transformative leaders in history illustrate this: Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Rosa Parks were all introverts, and so are many of today’s business leaders, from Douglas Conant of Campbell Soup to Larry Page at Google.

Cook: Is there any relationship between introversion and creativity?

Cain: Yes. An interesting line of research by the psychologists Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and Gregory Feist suggests that the most creative people in many fields are usually introverts. This is probably because introverts are comfortable spending time alone, and solitude is a crucial (and underrated) ingredient for creativity.

Cook: Can you give some other examples of surprising introversion research?

Cain: The most surprising and fascinating thing I learned is that there are “introverts” and “extroverts” throughout the animal kingdom – all the way down to the level of fruit flies! Evolutionary biologist David Sloan Wilson speculates that the two types evolved to use very different survival strategies. Animal “introverts” stick to the sidelines and survive when predators come calling. Animal “extroverts” roam and explore, so they do better when food is scarce. The same is true (analogously speaking) of humans.

Cook: Are you an introvert?

Cain: Yes. People sometimes seem surprised when I say this, because I’m a pretty friendly person. This is one of the greatest misconceptions about introversion. We are not anti-social; we’redifferently social. I can’t live without my family and close friends, but I also crave solitude. I feel incredibly lucky that my work as a writer affords me hours a day alone with my laptop. I also have a lot of other introvert characteristics, like thinking before I speak, disliking conflict, and concentrating easily.

Introversion has its annoying qualities, too, of course. For example, I’ve never given a speech without being terrified first, even though I’ve given many. (Some introverts are perfectly comfortable with public speaking, but stage fright afflicts us in disproportionate numbers.)

But I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.

In our culture, snails are not considered valiant animals – we are constantly exhorting people to “come out of their shells” – but there’s a lot to be said for taking your home with you wherever you go.

January 27, 2012 Posted by | Character, Community, Cultural, Friends & Friendship, Relationships, Work Related Issues | 9 Comments

Winter Beach in Pensacola

We had great weather during the Doha reunion, great in that it was warm every day, and it only rained a little now and then. We had lots of sunshine, and they even got to experience a little bit of Pensacola sultriness.

The big thrill, for me, was the winter beach. I love good wave action, and a little drama in the sky. The Pensacola beach, with its gorgeous white sands, gave it to us in full:

January 27, 2012 Posted by | Adventure, ExPat Life, Friends & Friendship, Pensacola, Weather | 2 Comments

Fairhope and Panini Pete’s

‘What are we up to today?” one of the Doha reunion visitors asked as we sat around the breakfast table at the Shiny Diner.

“I was thinking a drive into Alabama,” I threw out, “Or is there anything you have heard of you would like to visit, or re-visit?”

“I’ve never been in Alabama before!” one guest enthused. “I could cross it off my list!”

We dropped one friend off at the airport, said our farewells, and headed into Alabama. For those of you who are thinking it might be a long trip, Pensacola is close to the border; 20 minutes later we were in Alabama.

“Where are we going?” the remaining two visitors asked.

“I’m thinking Fairhope,” I responded, “it’s cute, and there are walks, and shopping, and cute restaurants.”

While we are not world-class shoppers, Fairhope is enticing, with it’s small boutiques and specialty shops. It’s not like the same-old same-old in every mall and strip-mall.

As we walked along the Fairhope Pier, we guessed how long it was. We saw several people doing laps of the pier – what a great place to walk, all that fresh air, the view of the Mobile skyline, the wind and the water. One of the walkers strolled along with us and told us the pier was exactly 1/4 mile, so if you walk out and back, you have walked 1/2 mile. She also gave us a recommendation for a place to eat, in Fairhope’s French Quarter, Panini Pete’s. “Be sure to eat outside,” she counseled us.

We found Panini Pete’s, and snagged a place in the gazebo, which I thought was ‘outside’.

It was a lovely location. My friends had the Reuben sandwiches with special homemade chips:

I had the house salad with grilled chicken:

We spent a lovely time dining, only to discover that we were not outside; this is what ‘outside’ is:

I did not take a photo of dessert – we shared an order of beignet. These were the big round fluffy beignets, covered with powdered sugar. So yummy!

It was a great visit, even though we never found an Alabama Starbucks cup for our visiting friend, she did get to spend time in Alabama. Next reunion, maybe we will check off Louisiana and Mississippi, the only other states she has not visited.

January 26, 2012 Posted by | Adventure, ExPat Life, Friends & Friendship, Road Trips, Shopping, Travel | 2 Comments

Open Faced Crab Sandwiches

Remember Qwon Chi Rolls? No self respecting Alaska girl would eat a roll make with “Crab with a K” which we all know is really Alaskan pollack re-textured to remotely resemble real crab. My friends, don’t eat that pretend stuff. Look for real crab. It’s out there.

 

When I was a little girl, my parents would go out, and sometimes they would come back, bring their friends, and my mother would make open faced crab sandwiches. To me, they are still special; I get hungry just thinking about them.

 

They are fun, and easy to make.

 

You get Crab – the real thing. I like claw meat, but any crab you prefer, as long as it is REAL crab, will do. You put crab meat in a bowl. You add just a little horseradish, just a little fresh ground pepper and a little fresh ground salt. You add some of the green from green onions, not a lot, just a little, and then you add just a little mayonnaise.

 

Toast English muffins, and spread crab generously on the muffins.

 

Top the crab with grated cheddar cheese, and broil in the oven until the cheese is melted.

 

Now, they are ready to eat!

 

I think I had better go eat dinner . . . . I’m HUNGRY!

January 18, 2012 Posted by | Alaska, Cultural, Food, Friends & Friendship, Recipes | 5 Comments

Shopping Bust

Most of the time, thanks be to God, I am not much of a shopper. Amazon.com saves me; often I wait too long and rather than run from store to store for what I am looking for, I go to Amazon and with just a few clicks, there it is. I may see it later, for less – or maybe not – but Amazon has saved me the frustration of trying to find it and failing. Like there is this particular filter my refrigerator needs; I can run from store to store looking for it (and failing) or I can order it from Amazon.com, and have it in a couple days. Same with printer ink. If I happen to find that filter or that ink on sale, I buy a bunch, so I don’t have to shop again.

Today, I had a list of six items. I plotted my course. These are not items that are of critical importance, just things I am watching for at the right price, and one item was on sale, a really good sale, with a coupon.

What would those things be? A floor lamp, strong enough to read by at night, and a mirror like the one my daughter-in-law has that makes me look 25 again. A table and chair for Happy Toddler’s room. Some shiny fabric like fingernails, and some that evokes a snake. Hair stuff.

I came home with one thing, actually part of one thing. They were two for $12, but there was only one. I got a rain check, but I went from store to store, and felt increasingly frustrated at not finding exactly what I wanted. I am not often a happy shopper who likes to just roam and look, no, I know what I want and I am trying not to take it personally that I didn’t find it.

Our New Year came in sweetly. We had the Happy Toddler staying overnight with us. He is so calm and so sweet, and it was just easy. We took him to church in the morning, and dropped him off late morning at his parents, who we think enjoyed sleeping in even more than the movie. Lunch with good friends, great conversation, great meal, home for a snooze and a quiet evening. Life is good.

Today we had a really good work out at the water aerobics class, hit Tudos for lunch, and were delighted to see them doing huge business, full of families and large groups still celebrating the holidays. I worked on a quilting project most of the afternoon, except for the shopping fiasco.

January 2, 2012 Posted by | Friends & Friendship, Living Conditions, Pensacola, Shopping | 2 Comments

Dinner at the Happy Pig

We were all meeting up at the Happy Pig; the mood was meat, specifically BBQ meat, and as it is a family gathering, all tastes had to be considered. Happy Pig is centrally located, great food and, a big plus with the Happy Toddler, family oriented.

Happy Toddler is so much more verbal these days, which is a joy, and gives us many moments of hilarity, but also can be a pain. He believes that “please” means he will be given what he wants when he wants it. He believes that “all done” means he is free not to eat meals when the rest of us are eating. Ah well – he isn’t quite two and has time to learn all these distinctions. Meanwhile, we have to hide our laughter when he exerts his will so unselfconsciously.

What we loved are the Christmas lights:

This is the angel on the top of the Happy Pig Christmas Tree

Outside lights – Christmas gifts

This is a giraffe

This is a hippo – have you ever seen a hippopotamus in Christmas lights before?

Another Happy Pig pig

A Happy Pig Polar Bear

We are having a particularly good Christmas this year; AdventureMan and I are on the same continent, in the same country, in the same time zone, in the same city, and thanks be to God, in the same house celebrating Christmas. We are so thankful. We are so thankful to be near our son and his wife, and our amazing and darling little Happy Toddler.

He loves the train gifts he got, but, again, this is where almost-two can be hilarious – he got a table and chairs he loves. What he loves is to move those chairs all over the house and to line them up in different ways, often as – a train, LOL. He is so serious, as he is creating, and so focused. You can almost catch a glimpse of him as the adult he will one day be.

December 27, 2011 Posted by | ExPat Life, Family Issues, Food, Friends & Friendship, Pensacola | 2 Comments

The Tiger’s Wife by Tea Obreht

The Tiger’s Wife was the perfect book to get me from Pensacola to Seattle, and through the Atlanta airport, full of bustle on a Sunday, packed flights, no quiet, no privacy. Thank God for a good, engrossing book, that takes you totally out of where you are to a world where things are not always what they seem.

The book is set in an unnamed country in East Europe which has just come out of a war, and the main character and her best friend are en route across a border which did not exist before the war, on an aid mission to immunize children who were once neighbors, and are now in a different country.

The primary relationship in the book is the bond between a young girl and her grandfather, and the stories he tells her as they walk up to the zoo, the Jungle Book he reads to her as they visit the animals, and the stories she finds for herself as she participates in the post-war rebuilding. It is a fascinating book because what she is writing about is not always what she is really writing about; the stories and legends and experiences are metaphors for another reality and a life lesson.

I don’t want you to think that this is one of the mindless airport books I sometimes tell you about. If it were, I would tell you “this is not great literature; this is an airport read.” Not this book. This book is literature. This book has meaning, and events you will think about and talk over with other readers long after you have finished the book.

In the back of The Tiger’s Wife is an interview in which one of my favorite new authors, Jennifer Egan (A Visit From the Good Squad) interviews Tea Obreht about her writing process, her life, her vision, etc. Fascinating reading, too, and also reader’s guide questions help you see things you might need to see and might otherwise miss.

December 10, 2011 Posted by | Adventure, Books, Charity, Circle of Life and Death, Civility, Cross Cultural, Cultural, Family Issues, Friends & Friendship, Generational, Relationships | 3 Comments

. . . Hurray for the Pumpkin Pie . . .

“You’ve worked HARD!” our water aerobics instructor told us. “You get a free pass tomorrow; you can eat anything!”

I wish she hadn’t said that. We did work hard, but it wasn’t just one day of feasting, it was pretty much four days, and we enjoyed ourselves too much. No matter how hard we had worked Wednesday morning, it wasn’t enough to cover four days.

Arriving at Papa’s and Grammy’s we were welcomed with a bubbling gumbo, a combined effort of Papa and Grammy; Grammy did all the shopping and chopping, and PaPa worked the roux, which is the butter and flour combination that makes that smoky flavored base for the gumbo. They had just finished cleaning and deveining about 40 pounds of shrimp for Thanksgiving, and threw a few in the gumbo. Oh YUM. The next morning was full of preparations, and then, mid-morning, the feasting began, with all the guys shucking oysters and eating boiled shrimp. As you drive up, you can smell smoke from an outdoor fire, and chairs and tables are out everywhere, but the shucking goes on down near the creek:

The house is beautiful, spacious and welcoming for so many people. The happy baby, who is now a happy toddler, was in heaven – he was surrounded by boy toys – tractors and golf carts and a Model A and all sorts of age appropriate toys, as well as cousins, aunts, uncles and a lot of hilarious rough housing. Why is it kids just love the terror of being turned upside-down?

For me, this was the best Thanksgiving with the family; finally I am beginning to figure out who is who from year to year. I still have to ask questions, but they seem more comfortable with me, and I had some really good conversations, sort of beyond the polite-passing-the-time conversations. I’m not that great in big crowds, but now I am beginning to have some good one-on-ones, and for me, that’s a great Thanksgiving.

And on, man, the food. Tables and tables of food. I don’t know how they do it, but I saw the list of cakes, and there must have been twenty cakes on THE LIST. They each have responsibilities, and somehow, it all works.

Three turkeys, all carved, and so much dressing (which I grew up calling stuffing, it all depends on where you grew up):

That green container is AdventureMan’s first foray into cranberry chutney. This one was a little tart, but tasty. As are darling daughter in law so diplomatically put it, “I would probably like it more if my taste buds were accustomed to having cranberries without sugar.”

About half of the sides were sweet potato casseroles; you can’t believe how good these are. This year this front dish was one of the favorites, squash cassarole:

This photo doesn’t begin to do justice to the desserts – holy smokes:

So the biggest brother blessed the food and we ate around one, then we visited for a few hours, people going back and grazing a little. Then the next generation cleaned everything up and got all the food packaged up and put away. About an hour later, that broccoli salad started calling me, and I went out to try a little more and discovered it was all put away, but a partner in crime knew where it was, and we pulled it out and had some, which started a whole landslide of second-platers, just when everything had been all put away, LLOOLLL!

It was a great day, a day full of thanks for all the things in life that really matter.

November 28, 2011 Posted by | Circle of Life and Death, Community, Cooking, Cultural, Diet / Weight Loss, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Food, Friends & Friendship, Thanksgiving | 5 Comments

Over the River and Through the Woods

. . . . to the co-grandparents house we go!

This is preparation week, and we are scurrying to get things together for Thanksgiving with the large family group. When we were first invited, one of the aunts told us “You’re not invited, you’re family! You’re expected!” It made us feel so welcome, and the gathering is so much fun we look forward to our time together.

Mom’s Cranberry Salad
Christmas Punch, Rum and Rumless
Rosettes

The world’s cutest grandbaby will be there; we are all having so much fun with him as he is in the steep learning curve phase, and pops out with language which astonishes us daily. While bathing him the other night, I was explaining about washing with soap and he said “I know.” I almost dropped the soap! He adores his BaBa, and whenever he sees me, he gets a big grin – and looks for BaBa to be behind me. LOL!

He loves going to his other PaPa’s house; he has a TRACTOR! And a Boat! The happy baby loves trains and motorcycles and buses; he loves anything that GOES.

We have so much for which we are thankful. God has blessed us mightily with family, and with friends, and with a wide and spacious place in which to live our lives. He has surrounded us with his grace, and we feel blessed, so blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2011 Posted by | Community, Cultural, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Friends & Friendship, Thanksgiving, Values | 2 Comments

I Wish I’d Hugged Her

The phone rang, late for most of my friends. We rarely talk after nine. It was one of my quilting sisters, calling to tell me one of our members had collapsed and died.

I sat down. Why would my friend say such a thing? On the other hand, when I saw her – just three days ago – she wasn’t looking too good, had one of those allergies or things we all get during this time when the temperatures may be in the 40’s or in the high 70’s. But she did make it to the meeting, and we all have bad days, don’t we?

My friend said she would let me know as soon as she knew the arrangements. I think I was a little dazed, a little in shock. I remember when I got the call my Dad had died, it’s like I can’t integrate things all at once, it takes me a while for things to sink in.

I wish I’d hugged her. She’s a lady I really like, talented, wry, funny. We talked, briefly at the meeting, but then the meeting went into full swing and I didn’t really talk with her again. I wish I’d hugged her.

November 15, 2011 Posted by | Circle of Life and Death, Family Issues, Friends & Friendship, Health Issues, Interconnected, Relationships | 9 Comments