Scamese
This was in my newest New Yorker magazine, originally given me by Little Diamond, now I can’t live without my subscription. 🙂 There is the kind of news you get on television, like what they have pictures of, maybe not the most important stuff but visual. Then there is National Public Radio news, and the New York Times, and The New Yorker. The New Yorker also has some of the greatest, funniest covers ever, and great cartoons. This one, as you might imagine, is near and dear to my heart:
The Royal Wedding
Where do you find these things??? I laughed myself silly! Thanks you, Hayfa!
Irish Jokes for St. Patrick’s Day
IRISH HUMOR
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
++++++
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do
you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly,
Father,’ the man replied.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to
heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now.’
++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
+++++++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
+++++++++
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the
hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he
could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way
to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’
Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A Very Dark Joke; not for the squeamish
Thank you, KitKat, for this very dark Alaska joke:
Tale form Alaska (where life is tough & humor is dark )
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers…”We’re
sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one
trooper. “Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some
good news, & some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good
news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound
king crabs & 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, & we feel you are
entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?” The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
“I Need an Experienced Person Like You. . .”
Ah yes, have I mentioned to you all my experience building hotels? LLLLOOOLLLL!
Dear Friend,
I am Emmanuel Ajegba Esq the attorney to Chief James O. Ibori (former Governor of the Richest Oil Producing State in Nigerian for 8years, i am looking for your cooperation in building a Tourist Hotel or Real Estate in your country with my client funds that is deposited abroad in a Trust Account because i cannot be in charge of the funds myself as the attorney in charge, i have the power as the attorney in charge to make a new heir to the funds with the consent of my client (Chief James O. Ibori).
I am sorry if this is not in line with your profession. My client Chief James O. Ibori was arrested by the Interpol in Dubai for Money Laundering recently.
Please click for your perusal.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8680569.stm
I need an experienced person like you to assist me to set up, develop the project and assume responsibility of ownership as chairman but will be bringing in profit/distribute profit monthly or annually.
I shall give you more information as regards this transaction as soon as i hear from you.
Regards,
Emmanuel Ajegba Esq
Would You Like Fries With That?
When I saw this, I whopped with laughter, i couldn’t help myself, it was so unexpected and, to me, awful. This is just sad! This is for the kid who wants to grow up to say “Would you like fries with that?”
Halloween Warning 2
(Thanks again to my Kuwaiti friend who gets all the good things and passes them to me. 🙂  )
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!






