25 Best Two Line Jokes Ever
The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever (thanks, Kit Kat)
1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.
14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag –
You can hide but you can’t run.
18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
19. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.
21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don’t know how I feel about that.
22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.
23. The first rule of Alzheimer’s club,
Is don’t talk about chess club.
24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Jon Snow Sings “Wildling”
This just totally cracks me up. It’s hard for me to see Game of Thrones actors out of character, but they are having such a good time hamming it up that it makes me laugh.
“It’s Going to Be Painful!”
A week after the wedding, I am talking with the mother-of-the-groom, my old friend and telling her she has inspired AdventureMan and I. A friend has contacted us, someone we like, but also someone from another culture. We’ve been friends for a while, but we don’t know him well.
He asked if he and his 10 year old son can come stay with us.
AdventureMan and I looked at each other. This is a man we like and admire, but the cultural differences are profound. We agreed that it is the right thing to do, and the thing we want to do.
So I’m telling my friend, whose home has been a revolving door informal hotel as long as I have known her. She knocks herself out helping people. Lives have changed because she and her husband “welcome the stranger.”
“We want to do it,” I told her, “but we know it is going to be painful.”
“It’s going to be painful!” she enthusiastically agreed. We laughed. This is the basis of our friendship, the ability to tell each other the worst things in our lives and to laugh about it. She knows I am an introvert, and love my peaceful quiet.
“It’s also going to be worth it.” She added, and I believe her.
Freedom of Speech: Je Suis Charlie
In our country, in the West, open discussion is a part of life. Your point of view may be ignorant, or repugnant to me, but I will defend to the death your right to express your opinion. One of the great weapons of freedom of speech is humor. It’s hard to maintain a dignified moral high-ground when one of the cartoonists piques with a cartoon showing the emperor has no clothes. Or at least the emperor has flaws, as do we all.
Pensacola is blessed with such an editorial cartoonist, Andy Marlette. Andy Marlette is controversial, and in a state with lax gun laws and pistol-packin-mamas, he risks his life daily, skewering the pomposity of us all. Occasionally, he is outrageous. Occasionally, he is offensive. That’s OK. If an editorial cartoonist isn’t skewering someone, or all of us at once, he isn’t doing his job. His job is to elicit discussion.
I have lived for so long in Moslem world that I take a risk now, offending my Moslem friends, by printing the cartoon of Mohammed weeping. It’s the cartoon that touched me to the bone. I have listened and learned in the Moslem world, and I have never met with hatred. The Mohammed I have read about in the Qu’ran and in hadith, and heard about in legend and stories from my Moslem friends portrayed a prophet who, like Jesus, was all about loving and serving the one true God. He would weep at what has been done in his name, as Jesus weeps for us, when we kill others in his service.
The Christmas Spirit at the Pageant
There is nothing on earth as heart warming as three and four year olds at the Episcopal Day School doing a Christmas pageant. The teachers and aides are truly heroes, teaching Christmas Carols and a script to children so young. Getting the children in, getting them in their places, keeping them on track – it was adorable, heart warming – and totally hilarious. The songs were so sweet, the kids so delighted to see their loved ones in the audience (“Hey, Dad! Dad! DAD!”) and their joy in being a part of it so palpable. The little Star of the East who missed her cue and followed the Wise Men, the little girl belting out the Christmas songs, the adorable sheep – I grin just thinking about it.
Herding cats, LOL!
Joseph and Mary start their trip:
Joseph and Mary are presented with a pillow for their trip:
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
The Star of the East:
The manger, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, the angels, the wise men, all the barnyard animals, and the Star of the East:
It didn’t last thirty minutes. It is a highlight of our Christmas season 🙂
All Time Stats Keep Me Humble
Wouldn’t I love to think that the most profound posts I write would garner the most attention and the most comments? But the truth is so humbling; the posts I write for fun, or in a hurry have long legs, or so WordPress tells me, and gather up statistics year after year.
I never know, when I write an article, what its future will be. It’s not unlike giving birth – you can input, but you have no control over who that child will be or where he/she will go.
God has the most wonderful sense of humor.
Lexophilia (with thanks to KitKat)
I have a friend who shares a love of words, and, sadly, we both love good puns. There are some great ones here, thanks for sending, KitKat!
Lexophilia
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN … IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE.
If Disney Princes Were Real . . .
I just laughed myself silly! People are so funny and so creative, and you can see the dancers in the Aladin segment are puffing they worked so hard. This is a VERY witty group of people, and the Princes come off so creepy and pathetic!
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