Drugs for Women
OK, friends, just so you will know – this is HUMOR. A friend sent this in an e-mail, and after I stopped laughing, I decided to share it with you. Remember – if it is too good to be true, it probably isn’t true!
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person. ‘
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Stealing My Ideas?
Yesterday I was happily working in the project room. The Qatteri Cat, feeling neglected, came yowling back a few times, then went and got his baby and came back to be with me, and went to sleep. He looked so sweet. We don’t know what the baby is all about. Maybe he is lonely? Maybe we all need something small to comfort us when we are feeling neglected? All we know is that wherever we are, the QC will bring his baby back to be with us – and then, often he will leave it, as if we are the baby sitters or something.
So here is the Qatteri Cat and his baby:
You know when your cat – or your child – does something so sweet, you kind of think he’s the only one in the world that has ever done something that cute?
When I checked in with I Can Haz Cheezburger? this morning, I found this:
Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!
I think they must have plucked the thoughts out of my brain. 
Blonde Joke
A friend send this in the e-mails this morning and I can’t resist sharing it with you –
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered… ‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!’
Smart Mouth Jokes
These jokes were sent in by a faithful reader. Honestly, I debated with myself, but I was laughing so hard my resistance was low. Here they are, and thank you – you know who you are. 🙂
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn ‘ t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma ‘ am, they ‘ re dead.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I ‘ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won ‘ t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Virus and Blonde
There was a time, this is a true story, when we had a friend who was both very beautiful, blonde, and also kind of dumb. We were at dinner one night and she told us you could catch the flu or a cold from a computer. She had been in her aerobic class and had heard people talking about it. They’re called “computer viruses”, she told us.
Her husband quickly diverted the conversation into another direction and we knew he would be explaining things to her in their car on the way home.
Here is what I feel like today:
moar funny pictures
A big croaky frog.
I have not caught this virus from anyone, I have caught it from visiting Swair’s Blog, I swear! It came over me the same day as the dust storm.
Oh? What? It might have been the dust?
*blonde moment*
Morning Grin
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The young doctor continued to write on his clipb oard, and without looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
Wish it Were Real!
Found this in the market . . . would that washing away sin were this easy!
Found this, and another soap called “Cleaning up for Jesus” at the soap store across from Emmet Watson’s.
Science Exam Answers
When my son was in school and we would talk about school and grades and tests, I told him “tell the teachers what you know, even if you don’t know the answer to the question, sometimes you get partial points. Don’t leave a question blank, especially on written exams.” Rarely are you penalized for guessing, or for wrong answers.
Here are some delightful answers children came up with on science exams. (Thank you, KitKat, for passing these along to me.)
Subject: Science Exam Answers
If you need a laugh, read through these
Children’s Science Exam Answers.
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which
water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink
because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes
them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and
the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on
the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you
get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches
puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks
forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with
cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body
categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts –
the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one…)
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean
Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in
Rome.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be
eight.
Halloween Warning
When you eat too much candy, bad things happen.
This is so gross, and too funny.
Not for people with a weak stomach.
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