Empty Nests Make for Happy Marriage
LLOOLL. To everyone’s great surprise, the results found the empty-nest marriages are HAPPIER than families with children. I think the message is HANG IN THERE! The study found that marital happiness plunged with the first child, and went further south with each addition. Children take time and attention, the more, the more chaotic. The study doesn’t say don’t have children, it just says there is a great satisfaction to having children who successfuly transition to adulthood.
This compilation of studies is reported in today’s New York Times. Clicking on the blue type will take you to the entire article.
The study is important because it tracks the first generation of women to juggle traditional family responsibilities with jobs in the work force. In the empty-nest study, researchers compared the women’s marital happiness in their 40s, when many still had children at home; in their early 50s, when some had older children who had left home; and in their 60s, when virtually all had empty nests. At every point, the empty nesters scored higher on marital happiness than women with children still at home. The finding mirrors that of a report presented last year at the American Psychological Association, tracking a dozen parents who were interviewed at the time of a child’s high school graduation and 10 years later. That small study also showed that a majority of parents scored higher on marital satisfaction after children had left home.
While the Berkeley researchers had hypothesized that the improvement in marital happiness came from couples’ spending more time together, the women in the same study reported spending just as much time with their partners whether the children were living at home or had moved out. But they said the quality of that time was better.
“There are fewer interruptions and less stress when kids are out of the house,” said Dr. Gorchoff, at Berkeley. “It wasn’t that they spent more time with each other after the children moved out. It’s the quality of time they spent with each other that improved.”
She notes that the lesson from the empty nest may be that parents need to work to carve out more stress-free time together. In the sample studied, it was only relationship satisfaction that improved when children left home. Over all, parents were just as happy with children at home as in the empty nest. (What happens when adult children move back home, their job prospects having evaporated in a brutal economy, has not been extensively studied.)
“Kids aren’t ruining parents’ lives,” Dr. Gorchoff said. “It’s just that they’re making it more difficult to have enjoyable interactions together.”
Rising Dowries in Kuwait an Obstacle to Marriage
From today’s <a href="“> Arab Times
Rising dowries key problem in failed marriages – survey
KUWAIT, Jan 17, (KUNA): Kuwaiti youth oppose vehemently the extremely high dowries and wedding expenses amid an economic and social downturn in the society due to the current economic crisis, according to a recent academic survey. Dowry is always a bone of contention among the families of bride and bridegroom, said the survey, carried out by the Kuwait University.
Young men are more critical of rising dowries than girls, the study entitled “Social Value of Dowries in Kuwaiti Society”, showed. It highlighted the reality of dowries in Kuwait and their relative significance and social impacts, calling for taking into consideration gender differences and social and cultural changes. The survey involved a sample of 700 men and women aged between 20 and 56 from different areas in the six Kuwaiti governorates. It showed that 78 percent of the sample viewed dowries as exorbitantly high, 82.4 percent considered dowry as the key problem in surging wedding expenses, while 28.1 percent believed that Kuwaiti girls pay too much heed to dowry. The respondents are mostly dissatisfied with dowries, with 85.7 percent of the sampled men and 70 percent of the sampled women believing that dowries are too high.
Sometimes, it is the dowry which determines whether marriage can be completed due to familial hard-mindedness and intransigence, it said. The survey attributed surging dowries to women’s employment, education, lack of acquaintance and girls’ young age. It indicated common gender social awareness of social reflections of uncontrollably rising dowries on the entire Kuwaiti society. For instance, young men are now reluctant to marry Kuwaiti girls, resorting to non-Kuwaiti females, spinsterhood is growing and secret and unofficial marriage cases are mounting, it said. In conclusion, the survey recommended that the culture of moderation, especially regarding dowries, should be disseminated pursuant to the Islamic Sharia’ or Law in bid to alleviate the negative social effects of mounting dowries in the Kuwaiti society.
Young Kuwaiti men have told me that Kuwaiti women “cost too much”, that they would rather marry a hard-working Philipina girl, or a western woman, who will work and help with household expenses, than to borrow the money required to support a Kuwaiti woman.
A young Kuwaiti woman told me it is a growing problem for them, too, as they find themselves facing a dwindling pool of eligible bachelors, and that while the men are supposed to be able to support them in a style the same as they are supported by their father’s household, it doesn’t take into account that their fathers also did not always have so much money. It seems to be that both sexes have a clear idea of what the obstacles and problems are, but no one seems to know what to do about it.
Ok To Marry 10 Year Old Girls – Saudi Arabia
This is just sad. I’m sorry, a ten year old girl is that – a girl. Any father knows that. She is precious and innocent, and still playing dolls and make believe. Few girls are even menstruating at 10. No girl, at 10, has the emotional and physical maturity to enter into a marriage. And this is the SENIOR Saudi Arabian cleric speaking? I’m sorry, this makes me sick to my stomach. It’s just wrong.
You don’t leave a ten year old alone – you get a babysitter. A ten year old belongs in school, a ten year old belongs with her mother.
This is from today’s Al Watan, right on the front page.
RIYADH: Saudi Arabia”s most senior cleric was quoted Wednesday as saying it is permissible for 10ـyearـold girls to marry and those who think they’re too young are doing the girls an injustice.
The mufti”s comments showed the conservative clergy’s opposition to a drive by Saudi rights groups, including government ones, to define the age of marriage and put an end to the phenomenon of child marriages.
“It is wrong to say it’s not permitted to marry off girls who are 15 and younger,” Sheik AbdulـAziz AlـSheikh, the country”s grand mufti, was quoted as saying.
“A female who is 10 or 12 is marriageable and those who think she’s too young are wrong and are being unfair to her,” he said during a Monday lecture, according to the panـArab AlـHayat newspaper.
AlـSheikh”s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.
Though the mufti’s pronouncements are respected and provide guidance, the government is not legally bound by them.
On Sunday, the governmentـrun Human Rights Commission condemned marriages of minor girls, saying such marriages are an “inhumane violation” and rob children of their rights.
The commission’s statement followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eightـyearـold girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s.
Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty.
Responding to a question about parents who force their underage daughters to marry, the mufti said: “We hear a lot about the marriage of underage girls in the media, and we should know that Islamic law has not brought injustice to women.”
The mufti said a good upbringing will make a girl capable of carrying out her duties as a wife and that those who say women should not marry before the age of 25 are following a “bad path.”
“Our mothers and before them, our grandmothers, married when they were barely 12,” said AlـSheikh, according to AlـHayat.
There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year. And it’s also not clear whether these unions are on the rise or whether people are hearing about them more now because of the prevalence of media outlets and easy access to the Internet.
Activists say the girls are given away in return for hefty dowries or as a result of longـstanding custom in which a father promises his infant daughters and sons to cousins out of a belief that marriage will protect them from illicit relationships. ـAP
Last updated on Thursday 15/1/2009
I have a friend who says the mufti needs to come back in his next life as a young girl in Saudi Arabia. I think it might give his thought processes some clarity.
Rape, Abduction and Sorcery
I’ve always loved reading the newspaper, but even more so in other countries, where things are seen differently. These two items are from the Arab Times
11 out of 30 youths held in rape of 2 Asian women
KUWAIT CITY : Police have arrested 11 Bedoun youths out of the thirty who had kidnapped two Asian women near a commercial complex in Jahra and sexually assaulted them for four days in a camp in Mutla’a area.
It was reported that the two victims managed to escape after the four-day ordeal and reported the incident to a night patrol team who informed the Jahra police.
The police then raided the camp and arrested the eleven suspects and referred them to North Jahra Police Station. A case was registered.
Sorceress held: Police have arrested an unidentified Iraqi sorceress and referred her to the concerned authorities, reports Al-Dar daily.
The arrest came following a complaint filed by an unidentified Kuwaiti man who told police the woman had cheated by selling him a magic charm for KD 230. He also told police he had been wearing the charm for three months and failed to get what he aspired for.
Acting on this information police set a trap for the sorceress and caught her in the act while selling a charm worth KD 300 to a police agent. Armed with a search and arrest warrant, police then raided the apartment and confiscated various kinds of tools used by the suspect in black magic.
During interrogations she admitted to the charge and said her clientele includes well-known personalities and female university students. She also said she has until now ‘earned’ KD 85,000 from her ‘work’.
It has also been reported many people, particularly those who believe in her power, intervened in vain to secure her release.
By Mezyad Al-Saeedi
Special to the Arab Times
First, I cannot imagine the horror of being abducted, held in a remote location, and raped by up to 30 different men. The worst fear, of course, is whether you will live through it. Some victims don’t. Wouldn’t you think the names of these young rapists would be published so that women could be protected from marrying them? Imagine, being married to a man who rapes women . . . it would be a little bit of hell on earth.
Secondly – the first guy spent over $800 on a charm and then waited three months for it to work. In the interest of full disclosure, I sure would like to know what the charm was supposed to do? The police officer who entrapped the sorceress was going to pay over $1000 for her magic. That she claims she has earned 85,000 KD per year – that is around $325,000, that’s some serious income for some sorcery.
They are very good at obtaining confessions in Kuwait.
I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone being arrested for sorcery in my home town. There are similar sorts, people who con the elderly, people who prey on the deepest fears and hopes of others, but rarely are they accused of anything but fraud and theft.
Lucky People Tend to Notice More
From today’s AOL News
The key to good luck may be a heightened sensitivity to your surroundings.
Richard Wiseman, a professor at the University of Hertfordshire, spent a decade studying people who had self-identified as either lucky or unlucky. He posits that lucky people, through their superior observational skills, consistently encounter seemingly chance opportunities.
In one experiment, Wiseman asked his subjects to count the photos in a newspaper. In the middle of the paper he placed a message that read “Tell the experimenter you have seen this and win 50 dollars.” The lucky people tended to notice this, but the unlucky — with their narrower focus — often missed it.
Kuwait Times on Morality Police
Wooo HOOOO on you, Jamie Etheridge; you bring grammar, tone and content to the Kuwait Times
Kuwait’s illegal morality police
Published Date: January 02, 2009
By Jamie Etheridge
Two female students were attacked by two youths this past week in Hawally, reportedly for not wearing the hijab. The girls were standing outside their school when two bearded young men jumped from an SUV, whacked them with a stick and then jumped back into their truck and took off. The incident sparked outrage and triggered discussions across Kuwait about the self-proclaimed morality police encouraged by a radical Islamist cleric Mubarak Al-Bathali.
In late December, Al-Bathali announced that he had established a voluntary committee for the “Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice” along the lines of the dreaded Saudi mutaween. The mutaween are a sort of religious police that patrol the streets in the villages and cities of Saudi Arabia, ensuring that women are covered from head to toe, that men go to the mosque to pray and that unmarried men and women do not mix in public. They also enforce other important moral strictures, like no mixed dancing or playing rock and roll music.
Al-Bathali said that his ‘vice’ squad will patrol the Sulaibikhat area first and then slowly spread out to other areas. It’s not clear who was behind the attacks in Hawally. Some have argued that it might have been just a couple of youths having fun and playing a trick on the girls by whacking them like the mutaween in Saudi do.
Let’s hope it was a bad joke by bored teens. God help us if random groups of men suddenly start forming ‘morality’ patrols and beating women on the streets of Kuwait. A Kuwaiti mutaween would create a host of problems.
First, the morality police would be trying to enforce a brand of radical Islam and ideology many in Kuwait – both citizens and expats – do not follow. Many Muslim women in this country do not wear hijab and there are no laws that require them to do so – despite the best efforts of the fundamentalists in parliament.
Second, Kuwaitis are highly protective of their female family members and few are likely to accept strange men whacking their mothers, sisters, daughters, wives and aunts in public areas. Following the 1990-1991 Iraqi invasion and occupation, some radical Islamists tried to establish a religious police and had begun even stationing ‘officers’ outside the Co-ops in Jabriya, Surra and elsewhere.
These mullahs carried short sticks and would strike women coming out of the Co-ops who they deemed to be dressed inappropriately. The women, of course, immediately called their male relatives who then rushed to the Co-ops and attacked the mullahs for attacking the women. The resulting chaos led to the banning of the self proclaimed morality cops.
Third, an ad hoc security force running loose around the country poses a real and present danger to the forces of the Interior Minister and by extension, the stability and security of Kuwait as a whole.
Nearly 20 years later, the radicals have reemerged and wider popularity – as evidenced by the fundamentalists victory in parliamentary polls – has encouraged them to reassert their plans for greater social control.
Success for the mullahs will mean failure for Kuwait’s experiment with democracy. Unlike the rest of the Gulf Arab states, Kuwait isn’t just beginning this experiment. For nearly half a century, this diminutive Muslim country has balanced tribal mores and religious identity with the Islamic and democratic ideals of freedom, dignity and self respect. Allowing roving bands of self appointed religious police to patrol the streets of Kuwait will undermine all of the country’s efforts toward balancing tradition
and modernity.
An Eye for an Eye – Does Revenge Change Anything?
I have been following my own post with interest. The truth is, there is a huge part of me that agrees with you, agrees with Ameneh, who wants her attacker to suffer as she has suffered, to pay for the life he has stolen from her.
I used to be a lot more idealistic than I am now. I can remember the two times in my life I came face-to-face with who I am, viscerally, in my gut.
The first time, I was living in Jordan, and I awoke in the middle of the night. I heard gunfire. My husband was out of town – that happened a lot. Things like cars breaking down, heaters going out in the dead of winter, ants attacking (don’t even ask), those things always waited for my husband to be out of town. Now gunfire.
I finally called my British neighbors, who called their Security office, who said it was probably just the police shooting packs of dogs who attacked the sheep at night.
I knew, though, that night, that if I had a gun in the house, I would shoot anyone who came through the front door to protect my son. I had never thought of myself that way. I had never considered myself a killer. And I knew I could kill, without a second thought, to protect my son.
We all have times when we find out who we are, what we are made of. Men who go off to war and kill for a living have to live with their actions for the rest of their lives. Many, many live with regrets.
People who lived through the Invasion of Kuwait endured and suffered unimaginable horrors. Many won’t even talk about the things they saw or had to do.
Here is my problem with revenge – you have to live with the consequences.
If I had shot an intruder, even thinking it was a criminal, I would have to live with that the rest of my life. Even NOT shooting an intruder, I have to live with the thought that I would have, that I was fully prepared to kill. It still haunts me, even though I didn’t do anything, even though I just thought about it.
I like what This Lady said. I want this man punished, but if we choose to inflict the same punishment on him, don’t we lower ourselves to his level? I think life imprisonment would be worse. On another blog, dealing with the same topic, one Iranian woman wrote that if this man is blinded, some female in his family will be chosen to take care of him for the rest of his life, feeding him, preparing his meals. She, too, will be sacrificed, lose her own life to the obligation of taking care of this blinded villain for the rest of his life. Wouldn’t we all be better off if he were locked away, never to be free again?
I published the photo with the original article because I was shocked and intrigued by it. In spite of her blindness and disfigurement, this woman is laughing, and her mother is hugging her. In many ways, her life is blessed. Because God works in amazing and wonderful ways, we know that he can use this terrible act to do great things in her life, bring her peace, bring her new understanding . . . we don’t know what he can do, but we can trust that her life is not over, that he can still use her to fulfill his purpose in this world.
Reading your comments, trying to find my own response has been a challenge. As I said – if it were me, if it were my sister, God forbid – I know I would want revenge. I know that fiery outrage lives in all our hearts; the desire to take an eye for an eye. I know that dragon in my own heart.
And yet . . . I am left with this very uneasy feeling that revenge and retribution are neither deterrent, nor satisfying. I trust that if this sentence is carried out, God can even do great things with this violent assailant, that he can work in his heart and give him a new way of seeing, he can bring him to repentance, he can do great works, even in the heart of this sinner.
My greatest, gravest concern is for Ameneh. She seems to be a very stable, courageous woman. I fear that revenge can act as a poison in her soul, that the punishment, if inflicted, will eat away at all the goodness of her life. I fear for any of us who become obsessed with revenge at the cost of who we were created to be.
You have been very forceful in your expression of belief that the sentence should be imposed. Don’t you harbor any misgivings about this, no matter how small?
An Eye for an Eye in Iran – Penalty for Acid Disfigurement?
I found this today in the Washington Post
Woman Blinded by Spurned Man Invokes Islamic Retribution
By Thomas Erdbrink
Washington Post Foreign Service
Sunday, December 14, 2008; Page A01
TEHRAN — Ameneh Bahrami once enjoyed photography and mountain vistas. Her work for a medical equipment company gave her financial independence. Several men had asked for her hand in marriage, but the hazel-eyed electrical technician had refused them all. “I wanted to get married, but only to the man I really loved,” she said.
Four years ago, a spurned suitor poured a bucket of sulfuric acid over her head, leaving her blind and disfigured.
Late last month, an Iranian court ordered that five drops of the same chemical be placed in each of her attacker’s eyes, acceding to Bahrami’s demand that he be punished according to a principle in Islamic jurisprudence that allows a victim to seek retribution for a crime. The sentence has not yet been carried out.
You can read the rest of the article Here.
You may think you know how I feel about this. The man stole from this woman. He violated her very life. He stole her ability to see, her ability to support herself, he disfigured her for life and stole the likelihood of the love match she was holding out for. He treated her like property – if he can’t have her, then he will have revenge.
She fought – and won – for him to be blinded with the same acid she has been blinded with. She doesn’t ask that he be disfigured, only blinded. The court in Iran agreed. The sentence has not yet been carried out.
I’m interested in what YOU think. I feel sympathy for the woman, Ahmena Bahrami. I love the way she went after her attacker in the courts. I love it that she didn’t just collapse and be a victim.
On the other hand, I wish she had gone after something different. The thought of purposely blinding someone is SO repugnant to me, I can’t support it. I wish she had gone after his money, forcing him to support her at the level she was earning, for the rest of her life – and his. I find myself thinking – what good does it do to blind him?
He committed a heinous act. Hideous, unthinkable. And yet I find the punishment equally hideous, and unthinkable. I worry that in the future, she will regret having enforced this upon her assailant. I think that revenge, getting revenge, can extract it’s own price from our character. Do you think she will feel better? Do you think she will be happier knowing he was blinded in retrubution? I kinda sorta doubt it.
What do you think?
Rejected Suitor Rapes Kuwaiti Woman
Al Watan staff
KUWAIT: A young Kuwaiti woman has filed a case against a man who raped her after she rejected his marriage proposal. The woman explained that the young man who asked to marry her had been found out to be a liar. Among other things, he lied about his nationality, claiming to be Kuwaiti when he was not. He also claimed to have huge sums of money when in fact he was not as well off as he initially claimed. After being rejected, the man reportedly waited outside her house and kidnapped her as she walked towards her car. He then drove her to a remote area and raped her.
What incredible courage this young woman has going public. What backing she must have from her family. This is, unfortunately, not a rare occurance. What on earth are these men thinking? Is he trying to ruin her chances of marrying anyone else? Is this rape a punishment?
All Female Ministers Must Cover Hair, or Female Ministers are Unconstitutional? Or?
I am pretty good at reading the news, but all this is a little too Byzantine, even for me. This is from today’s Al Watan. I think it says that females who do not cover their hair can still be ministers, in spite of some members of parliament saying that females who do not cover their hair are not allowed to be ministers. You read it and tell me what YOU think it says.
Maybe some of the Ministers of Parliament lack so much self contol that they fear the sight of the hair of Nouriya AlـSubaih and/or Moudhi AlـHumoud will impede their performance?
There is an Islamic dress code? Like if you do not wear an abaya and niqab, or hijab, you cannot be Moslem?
Panel brands female ministers” appointment ”unconstitutional”
Court freezes MPs” suspension from Parliament
Al Watan staff
KUWAIT: Parliament”s Committee for Legislative and Legal Affairs, during its meeting on Sunday, signed off on a report stating that the appointment of female Cabinet ministers Nouriya AlـSubaih and Moudhi AlـHumoud is unconstitutional. The decision is said to stem from the fact that both women do not conform to the Islamic dress code because they refuse to cover their hair.
The committee”s convener, Ali AlـHajeri, announced that the report has been unanimously endorsed by the committee”s members, which include, among others, MPs Nasser AlـDuwailah, Mohammed AlـHatlani and Mohammed Hayef, and that it is backed up by Article 82 of the Constitution and Article 1 of the Elections Law that stipulates that women should adhere to the Islamic dress code.
On the eve of the inauguration of the new parliamentary term on Tuesday, the National Assembly is expected to grapple with a wide range of burning issues, including a decision by the Constitutional Court to strip two former MPs of their parliamentary seats.
Sources have reported that there has been a bizarre twist concerning this particular issue with Speaker of Parliament Jassem AlـKharafi announcing that he has received a letter from the Administrative Court informing him about a decision to suspend the Constitutional Court”s verdict that revoked the membership of Mubarak AlـWalaan and Abdullah AlـAjmi. He also revealed that the Administrative Court is due to look into the case today.
AlـKharafi affirmed that he will take measures in accordance with the ruling issued by the Administrative Court.
A constitutional expert affirmed that the newly reinstated MPs should be allowed to take their seats in Parliament unless the Administrative Court issues another verdict ruling in favor of the lawmakers whose membership was revoked.
Reacting to this new development, MP Askar AlـEnezi affirmed that verdicts issued by the Constitutional Court are final and unchallengeable.
He argued that the Administrative Court has no jurisdiction to look into constitutional matters.
Last updated on Monday 20/10/2008
Update 21 October
Female minister reacts to panel decision
Comply with Islamic attire or resign, urges MP
Al Watan staff
KUWAIT: The Chairman of Parliament”s Legislative and Legal Committee Nasser AlـDuwailah has described comments made on Monday by the Minister of Housing and Minister of State for Housing Affairs Moudhi AlـHumoud as “unacceptable”, after she attacked a decision by the committee that considers the appointment of the two female Cabinet ministers as unconstitutional because they do not follow the Islamic dress code.
“The minister”s remarks are irresponsible and unacceptable,” he firmly said, while calling on the minister to tender her resignation immediately.
Noting that the committee has thoroughly looked at the legal aspects of the female ministers” appointment, he pointed out that the members have concluded that the duo have failed to comply with regulations regarding the Islamic dress code that is deemed acceptable inside the Abdullah Salem Chamber (Parliament).
He explained that the ministers are free to wear to whatever they want outside the Parliament, noting that the law which gave women their full political rights stipulates that female candidates or appointees comply with certain set regulations.
Insisting that the law was passed by Parliament rather than the committee, he explained that the committee”s response is consistent with the spirit of the Constitution.
He concluded by expressing hope that the government will express regret over the minister”s remarks.
Last updated on Tuesday 21/10/2008
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