Single Awareness Day
“Oh! What a gorgeous dinner,” I said to our friends, “so romantic, a perfect Valentine’s Day feast.” It truly was – even though it was Valentine’s Eve, every detail was perfect, an outdoor fire, a beautiful red-velvet cake with white chocolate decorations, all in a delicate white and pink icing, a meal to die for . . .
“Happy Valentine’s Day!” we chirped.
“Happy Single Awareness Day,” their son grumped. He is astute and articulate, and AdventureMan and I have been married for so long that we’d forgotten what it is like to have Valentine’s Day without a sweetheart. 😦
Valentine’s Day really is mostly – in my opinion – about marketing. Selling greeting cards, selling flowers, selling candy, selling photos . . . . and it does make one acutely aware of being alone. It also puts pressure on couples to remember each other, oh aaarrgh. (Yes, AdventureMan remembered and bought me a great card. 🙂 ) The marketing mania for Valentine’s Day is not so great if you are in the middle of a fight or the relationship is going through one of those rocky periods. Or single.
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
This was another find passed along by either Big Diamond or Little Diamond, via my Mom, and oh, what a find. Audrey Niffenegger wrote The Time Traveler’s Wife, a highly unusual book which hit the best seller list like a hurricane. This book, Her Fearful Symmetry, solidifies the perception that this author has real talent, thinks way outside the box, and creates characters and situations that, while unlikely, are likable and who become real enough for us to identify with them.
The title is based on a poem by William Blake, a poem I have always liked:
The Tiger
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies 5
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 10
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp 15
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee? 20
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
While this tale is a great yarn, it helps to know this poem, there are a lot of literary references in the novel and the title is just one of them.
As the story begins, there is a death, a will, and a set of mirror-image twins who inherit a flat in London overlooking a famous cemetery. The flat is in a building and has an upstairs neighbor, a man succumbing to obsessive-compulsive disease, and a downstairs neighbor, an aging bachelor, all a little eccentric in the nicest, English sort of way. The twins, Valentina and Julia, are twenty years old, and waif-like, still dressing alike, doing almost everything together.
There is also a ghost. No, wait! Two ghosts, and a kitten ghost. No, wait! I forgot! Lots of ghosts!
What I love about Audrey Niffenegger is that she takes what we perceive as reality and gives it a twist, and once you buy the twist, you are off on a wild ride. This book is a wild ride, with unforgettable characters and some unexpected kinks and thrills, as well as more than a couple shudders and chills.
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Until I sat down to write these reviews (so I can pass these along to friends in Kuwait who I know will read and discuss them 🙂 ) I didn’t realize that the books had so much in common. They both take place in the WWII time frame, and both are told from the point of view of children coming of age in this time. Both are love stories, romantic, parental, community – they have many of the same elements. They both have bullies, and children who steal. They both have wise adult conspirators, mentors and guides.
In The Book Thief, right off you get a chill. One of the main characters in a personification of Death, a tired, weary, cynical Death, but a Death who is fascinated by his humans. When the opening pages are written by Death, you get a feeling that this can’t be good.
And, in the beginning, it is not good. Liesel is on her way . . . somewhere, we don’t know where, on a long train ride, during which her brother dies. They are forced off the train, and her brother is buried in some small village where they are unknown; the grave will probably never be visited. Shortly after, they re-board another train, and when they arrive, Liesel is turned over to a government foster family agency, and she is placed with a rough, uneducated couple in a small village on the outskirts of Germany.
Not far from Dachau.
So many similar elements . . . people at the mercy of their government, and the madness of the politicians and mass hysteria. Bullies, but not just in the schoolyards, here there is also a nationally encouraged group of bullies, the Nazis, and people in every village are encouraged to join the party. The kids join Hitler Youth and practice to become good Nazis.
Except inside each one of us resides a spirit of humanity, and if you let that spirit dominate, you can come into conflict with the party, even if you appear to comply most of the time. Liesel’s foster parents turn out to be a very humane sort. They feel compassion for the Jews marched through their village on the way to the camps, and attempt to give them a little bread, for although they have little to share, they can see that these Jews are starving.
And then, a stranger arrives on the doorstep, the son of a man who saved Liesel’s Papa’s life in the first world war. He is Jewish. He needs a place to be hidden. Liesel’s foster parents take him in and hide him in the basement.
Only after I read the book and read the afterword did I discover this is a book written for young adults, and that makes me laugh, because I am not a young adult, and I enjoyed the book so much. I love books about the triumph of the human spirit, the triumph of good over evil, and the triumph of hope and life over hopelessness. Even Death has a heart, in this book.
I know that there will be one copy of this book in Kuwait; I am leaving it with a friend I know will read it, and I know she will pass it along, because this is a book worth discussing. I hope you are friends with my friend, and that you will get a chance to read it, too!
Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford
This book had everything going for it, and still I had a hard time getting into it. The book was given by Little Diamond to my Mom – Little Diamond often passes along the very best, thought-provoking books, and in our family we pass the best along, so I knew it would be good. I love the title. The book is set in a part of Seattle now called – euphemistically – The International District, but as I was growing up, and among older Seattle-ites, it is called Chinatown, even though that is not politically correct, or geographically correct. Chinatown was never Chinatown, it was a group of distinct populations – Chinese, Japanese, later Vietnamese, Korean, even later Ethiopian, Sudanese, Somali, Pakistan . . . you could call it immigrant-ville, I suppose, if you were really, really politically incorrect. My Chinese friends still call it Chinatown.
Last, but not least, Jamie Ford started this book as a short story at a camp run by Orson Scott Card, one of my favorite authors, especially to recommend to young people. Orson Scott Card knows how to capture the painful contradictions of being teens and young adults, the conflicts with parents, the loves, requited and un, and most of all, he understands how the young see things clearly as unfair; it’s only later when we start seeing shades of grey.
In spite of all those positives, I hated his voice. I hated the smug little Chinese boy he started as, a scholarship student, first generation born in the US, mocking his parents, fighting off bullies. . . Here is what I hated the most. He had a girlfriend, and he didn’t understand chivalry, like walking her home. He protected her, but he was a pretty self-absorbed little boy.
I kept reading because he had some interesting friends. I liked his friend the jazz player, and I liked the gruff lunchroom lady, and I liked his friend Keiko. I understood his parents pushing him to excel, and their not understanding the struggles this caused Henry; I liked his parents. Because the book jumps around in time, I also liked his wife, and felt annoyed that Henry was all caught up in this old romance when he had a perfectly good wife, but I kept reading.
I am so glad I did. About a third into the book, we begin to see Henry transform into the man he will become. He gets help, he gets mentoring from unexpected people, and he becomes more likable.
The book also deals with a terrible time in US history, a time when we turned on our own citizens and sent our citizens of Japanese descent to concentration camps right here in the USA. The Japanese were a class act; most of them were hurt and outraged, but compliant. Many men volunteered to fight in the war in spite of this slap in the face, this accusation of potential treason. It is a shameful time in our own history, and particularly so for Henry, who loves a Japanese girl, Keiko.
By the end, I loved this book. I hope you will, too.
Somalia’s al-Shabab bans mixed-sex handshakes
From BBC News
Somalia’s al-Shabab bans mixed-sex handshakes
SOMALIA – FAILED STATE
Men and women have been banned from shaking hands in a district of Somalia controlled by the Islamist group al-Shabab.
Under the ban imposed in the southern town of Jowhar, men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public.
It is the first time such social restrictions have been introduced.
The al-Shabab administration said those who disobeyed the new rules would be punished according to Sharia law.
The BBC’s Mohamed Moalimuu in Mogadishu says the penalty would probably be a public flogging.
The militant group has already banned music in areas that it controls, which include most of central and southern Somalia.
Somalia has not had a stable government since 1991.
The UN-backed government only controls parts of Mogadishu and a few other areas.
Shopping Styles: Predatory, Social or Desperation?
As AdventureMan once said, I am not entirely sure I agree with what I am about to say. Feel free to jump in.
Today I was mopping the floors, washing the floors and vacuuming the carpets. This is not – way not – something I like to do, but something I do because long ago somewhere in my tiny little brain, a seed was planted that a dirty floor was a shameful thing. I remember once thinking “people could eat off my floor; there must be a whole meal here!” when I left it unwashed for a few days. In my last three incarnations, in Kuwait and in Qatar, I was blessed with wonderful women who came in and took care of my floors for me, also the dusting, and the laundry, and the windows, and all the things I now do. It takes a surprising chunk of time out of my day. 😦
Oh! Yes. The shopping.
I just wanted you to know that I am not cleaning my house willingly or joyfully, but dutifully. I have discovered, however, that mindless physical activity frees the mind, and you never know where a free mind will go.
I have a friend coming to visit, and this friend and I have had so much fun together, through the years, exchanging books, going out on double dates with our husbands to wonderful places in France and Germany, and . . . shopping.
Finding a person who shops the way you do is a real blessing. I say I am not much of a shopper, but we all have to shop sometimes. Mostly, I shop alone, I am a predator. I am looking for specific game, and I want the juiciest prey at the best price. Most of my friends are like me – we don’t hunt in packs, because when you shop in packs a group mentality surfaces, and you get home with things you never would have bought.
I do shop with other solitary predators from time to time; this is how you know them. You don’t shop together. You shop the same stores, sometimes just the same mall, meeting up to compare items and to go on to the next stop. Most of my predatory shoppers friends know their own style, know their own preferences, and few ask me what I think, nor do I ask them. We do exclaim gleefully over our purchases.
In the military, in Germay, there would be shopping tours to take you to places. Sometimes I took them, most times I didn’t. It depended on whether or not you had to stay together. I saw people buy some truly appalling things because it had a particular name or a particularly low price. The fact that it was obviously inferior did not even seem to strike their consciousness, once the herd shopping mentality kicked in. If the tour were going to a village, and people were on their own and then met up, I would do that. I went to Paris on such a trip; leaving
Germany at midnight, leaving the tour at six in the morning for croissants and coffee at La Duree at its original location on Rue Royale arranging to meet up with them later.
The Musee D’Orsay had just opened, and I was dying to see the exhibit. I spent the morning there, leaving as the hoardes started arriving, had a little lunch of Vietnamese salad rolls on the Left Bank, and strolled over the bridge to the shopping areas around Rue Royale. I found three great outfits at Galleries Lafayette, grabbed a salad from their gorgeous food court, and met up with my group at six to depart. I was home by midnight. 🙂 I would have liked a friend, but I didn’t know anyone, once again I was new, and Paris is so easy that just 12 hours there was a piece of cake.
Social shoppers find us solitary predators very strange. They live in a different world than we do. They consult. Their shopping goals are not so much the goods as the experience. They enjoy the company, and they like having someone to help them make their purchasing decisions. They often meet up for shopping and lunch, and some even shop to kill time. (What luxury! In my whole life, I have never had time to kill; I always have projects, and lists of things that need doing!)
I have been one other kind of shopper, though, and that is a desperation shopper. It was when I was a young mother. Shopping was for survival. I never knew when the baby would start to cry, need to be nursed, or need a change. When I had a babysitter, I was always aware of how little time I had and how much I had to get done. Once a month, I would go to the commissary, about twenty miles away, to buy a month’s worth of diapers, meat (we ate more meat then), canned goods and paper goods.
I see the same desperation in the elderly here in Florida; shopping takes energy and you never know when your energy will desert you. As you can see, I am still thinking about my experience at the Navy Commissary, and I now I can empathize. I might be grumpy and aggressive, too, when I reach a stage where I remember having energy, and now I don’t know where it has gone. I may even scowl at cheerful, energetic people because I wish I still were . . .
We’re all wired so differently. There may be some shopping styles to which I am oblivious. Can you think of any?
The King’s Speech
“The movie is sold out!” my friend exclaimed as she and her husband joined me in the theater. We had really good seats. I had accidentally managed to get there early enough to get seats right in the center, close enough, but not too close. People looked at the seats I was saving for my friend and her husband with envy, and it was all I could do not to make a sign against the ‘evil eye.’ 🙂
Whoda thunk? Who would have thought a movie about an English king with a speech problem would sell out the entire theatre?
Must be word of mouth. The film is really, really good, and takes a personal tragedy and turns it into an inspiration. You wouldn’t think there could be anything funny about tackling such a problem, but the movie has some very very funny moments – the king, George VI, actually CAN speak without a stammer when he is swearing, when he is singing, or when he is very very angry.
His unorthodox speech tutor gives the King a new vision of himself, and helps him find insights into how the problem developed. There are some very moving moments, and some highly inspiring ones, too. All in all, the movie keeps moving, keeps you informed and makes you glad you spent the money on movie tickets.
Marriage Myths
Found this today on AOL News: 10 Myths About Marriage – Marlo Thomas and found it to be full of wisdom.
Marriage is hard. We probably need all those myths (and estrogen and testosterone) or we would never get married, and the human race might fizzle! It helps to know that no matter what a marriage looks like on the outside, on the inside, each and every marriage has its own struggles.
Our moms passed down a lot of old “rules” about marriage. But ask anyone who’s been there and she’ll probably tell you that some of them just don’t apply to her marriage… me included. So I asked relationship expert Dr. Dale Atkins what she thinks about those bits of marital conventional wisdom. Read what she had to say – it turns out the knight in shining armor isn’t the only marriage myth!
Hi Marlo, and thanks for asking about the “rules” of marriage, or, as I call them, the myths! Really, so many of them are just that – they raise unrealistic expectations and can lead to disappointment and frustration.
I encounter people in my practice who think that a good marriage is built on romantic love and luck. One woman recently told me that she thinks a couple shouldn’t have to work at marriage if they are truly in love. The reality is that most successful marriages are built on commitment, respect, and companionship – and, of course, a shared history and a desire to support each other.
Coming to a better understanding of each other is the real key to a successful marriage. Now, let’s debunk some of those marriage myths:
MYTH #1: Your spouse is your other half, and now you are complete.
REALITY: A healthy person is complete in herself. Couples don’t complete each other, they complement each other (and they need to compliment each other, too!)
MYTH #2: Marriage is filled with romance and love.
REALITY: It is – but it’s also filled with anger and frustration, disappointment and confusion. It’s filled with lots of emotions, and couples should expect to experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often obscure romantic, loving, tender feelings, which is why couples need to remember the commitment that’s at the core of their marriage and realize there are full times and empty times.
MYTH #3: Your marriage should make you happy.
REALITY: You need to make yourself happy! Your spouse is not your source of happiness – that must come from within yourself. Marriage can and should augment a person’s individual happiness, but it’s not what makes you happy.
MYTH #4: You should never go to bed angry.
REALITY: That’s unrealistic – there are times you will go to bed with an unresolved issue, one that still has you fired up at day’s end. It’s not great to be lying next to someone while seething in anger, but it does happen. The best strategy is to table things so you don’t feel like you want to murder him! Remind yourself of all the positive things about him; ideally, you’ll have a fresh eye in the morning. By the way, one of you sleeping on the couch for a night is not the end of the world if you need time to think. If that one night turns into days or weeks at a time, that’s a problem. But taking a break for a night to have a calmer conversation the next day just might be more productive.
MYTH #5: A baby will bring you closer.
REALITY: Parenting together is a wonderfully intimate experience that can indeed make a couple feel closer. But it’s so hard on the body, mind, and emotions! New parents are exhausted and constantly questioning whether they are doing things right. Often the woman feels she is doing waaay more than her fair share and is resentful and disappointed in her partner. Then there are the hormones – a woman’s body goes nuts during and after pregnancy! A couple would be wise to recognize that these are all just normal feelings after having a child, and they shouldn’t feel let down that they’re not head-over-heels in love with each other: Take a deep breath, reserve some baby-free time for one another, and know that this is simply a new stage in your long-term relationship.
MYTH #6: Your husband should be your best friend.
REALITY: If you think this way, you’ll be in for a big disappointment. Over the years, you definitely develop an amazing friendship with your spouse. But it doesn’t necessarily start off that way, and it doesn’t replace the need for friends in your life. A best friend is someone you go to the movies with, someone you have a lot in common with, someone you can talk to. A spouse is the one you can go through life with, depend on forever – that takes time, so don’t expect to be girlfriend-close with him right away. And you may not tell him everything – for some things you want a friend’s help. It doesn’t mean you are not close to your spouse.
MYTH #7: You shouldn’t fight in front of the kids.
REALITY: If you don’t teach your children how to disagree respectfully, who will? I feel strongly about this – it can be frightening for children to observe parents going at it, but it’s instructive for them to see you work out differences in a civil manner. Most people don’t fight fair – they call each other names and diminish each other. Children don’t know what to do and they mimic it – and then what have you accomplished? If you fight fair in front of the kids, then make up in front of them, they’ll see that this is a process. You have a responsibility to teach your children how to interact with others in both good times and difficult ones. As a bonus, if you learn how to fight civilly, you’ll probably fight less – you’ll learn how to come to solutions rather than argue.
MYTH #8: You shouldn’t worry if you’re not having sex.
REALITY: It’s true that people can be so busy, and so tired, that sex becomes just one more thing they have to do. Sometimes in every relationship the couple’s sex life goes on hold for a while. And every couple is different – some make love a lot, some less. But most people who have really good marriages do have a sex life. So if you’re not having sex, it is something to examine. The frequency and intensity may change as you get older, but you still need to get what you need. You don’t want to fall into a boring pattern in which you are no longer interested in your mate or want to share your life with him.
MYTH #9: Your spouse should know what you need without your having to say it.
REALITY: Nobody is a mind reader, and it’s unrealistic (and unkind) to expect someone to know your every thought and feeling. It is imperative to communicate what is going on regarding your thoughts, feelings, and your needs.
MYTH #10: You shouldn’t take your spouse for granted.
REALITY: Well, this is partially true – you don’t want to treat each other like old shoes! But you should be able to take certain things for granted – that’s what trust is all about. After all, if you can’t rely on your spouse, who can you rely on? Just remember that it works both ways: If you want to let your guard down and walk around in sweats, that’s okay – you can take for granted that he’ll still think you’re beautiful. But be sure to keep that in mind when you see him in the dirty T-shirt!
Dale V. Atkins, PhD, has more than 25 years of expertise as a relationship specialist helping couples and families. She runs a private practice in New York City.
“I’m The Present!”
As we were puffing away in one of the partners-exercises in Water Aerobics, my friend mentioned he would be heading up to Atlanta for the next couple weeks to visit children and grandchildren.
“Are you driving?” I asked between huffing and puffing.
“Nope, flying.” His answers were a lot shorter.
“You taking presents?” I asked, trying to keep my mind off my aching limbs.
“I AM the present!” he responded, and we both laughed.
When I was a kid, my favorite present was getting the small wrapped hotel soaps my Dad would bring back from his trips. To this day, I still like soaps!
Pat Conroy and South of Broad
I don’t know where to start, telling you how much I like this book. I couldn’t wait for reading time to read it. It never flagged, every page kept me glued. I want you to read it, I want to be able to talk about it with you, but there is so much in this book that I don’t want to spoil it for you.
There are huge themes. There are some very bad people. There are some very good people. Sometimes the very good people can do very bad things, and sometimes the bad people can have some redeeming moments.
We meet the main character as he is about to begin his senior year in college. On the day we meet him, his life changes. Several new people come into his life. Two orphans. A beautiful sister and equally beautiful brother. A black football coach and his son. Three rich kids kicked out of the best private school in town for doing dope.
There are two ‘characters’ who are not people. One is the city of Charleston, SC, and there are entire paragraphs in this book which will make you fall in love, through Pat Conroy’s eyes, with this complicated, beautiful city. Another is Hurricane Hugo, which is as destructive as Charleston is beautiful.
South of Broad covers a time of tumult and change, and you see it through the eyes of of Conroy’s endearing characters. Times changes, society changes and change comes hard for those who stand to lose the most. Conroy deals with segregation, integration, child abuse, suicide, gay sex, economic discrimination, and psychiatric illness, a psycopathic criminal, who happens to be the father of two of this friends, and a hurricane.
For me, what was most engrossing was the complicated question of who is righteous? It’s what I want to talk about with you. Who is most like Jesus? (LOL, give examples) Which characters would you expect think themselves closest to God? Do you think they are? (Be prepared to defend your opinion.) What is a good parent? In this book, who do you think was the best parent?
If you decide to buy this book, please buy a copy with the Reader’s Guide in the back – an interview with Pat Conroy and questions that help you think about the book. I’d like to share with you a segment of the interview which I found so brightly illuminating:
. . . . I found the Parisians rarified, vigilant, hypercritical and fabulous. They had made themselves worthy of the great city they lived in. They oozed style and they ate like kings. . . . The Parisians seem special to both the world and themselves. Then it hit me: My God, they are like Charlestonians.
As I see it, you can take out Charlestonians and substitute Kuwaitis. Or New Yorkers. Or Romans. In fact, just about every society I have visited have their elite, who consider themselves rarified and special, and fight to keep themselves so.
So not only is the book dealing with spiritual righteousness, but also with themes of entitlement and deprivation, bullies and the bullied, parenting, self-fulfillment, and the very real and over-arching theme of friendship and the power of a close circle of friends.
I don’t want to tell you too much. I loved this book. I’m still thinking about it. I hope you’ll read it and think about it, too, and then come back and tell me what you’re thinking. 🙂
Recent Comments
intlxpatr on A Lawless, Authoritarian … Kuwait Someday on A Lawless, Authoritarian … intlxpatr on Oh Thank You, Amazon! Rivergirl on Oh Thank You, Amazon! intlxpatr on Give to Those Who Ask Wikipedia Donate Button
Amazina
Early Voting in Florida
Here There and Everywhere 