Here There and Everywhere

Expat wanderer

Statistical Spike

As many of you have figured out, I get online early in the morning, then I get through my day – and sometimes it is a long day – before I can get back to answer any comments, etc. Yesterday was one of those super-busy days, and it was night before I was able to check the blog.

Something strange was happening. The stats were way high . . . and for what?

As it turns out, it was a post written a month ago – Moonsighting, and yesterday, that post alone got 539 hits. 539 – it hasn’t been that long since I would never have thought I would get 539 hits in one day, total. I think a lot of people were trying to find out whether Ramadan had ended, if that tiny thin crescent of a moon had been spotted. It gives me great joy to tell you that I also had a lot of hits, I am guessing from the Seattle area, on the Northgate mosque, and how to get to the Northgate mosque. Maybe this blog is doing some little bit of good in the world, helping just a little. It’s all I ask.

And it remains a totally humbling thought to me that the posts that live on, and on, and on – are posts greatly written by or inspired by fellow bloggers and commenters, in this case Fahad, at his blog Salmiya to whose blog I am totally addicted. He is also a little bit here there and everywhere. 🙂

I am only sharing this with you because it gave me a shock this morning to see the spike in statistics, and because I suspect I will never see the likes of it again.

May your day be full of unexpected blessings, and may you have the eyes to see them!

September 30, 2008 Posted by | Blogging, Community, ExPat Life, Kuwait, Living Conditions, Relationships, Spiritual, Statistics, Technical Issue | Leave a comment

Who Has the Disability?

My good friend sent me this today, and I want to share it with you, on this, hopefully the last day of Ramadan:

 

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED
 
I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least that’s what I heard him say one night.
 
He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, ‘Are you there, God?’ he said. ‘Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed…’
 
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin’s unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor.  I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.
 
He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.
 
He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
 
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?
 
Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.
 
The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.
 
He does not seem dissatisfied.
 
He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.
 
He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day’s laundry chores.
 
And Saturdays – oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That’s the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. ‘That one’s goin’ to Chi-car-go! ‘ Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.
 
His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.
 
And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.
 
He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent.
 
His life is simple.
 
He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
 
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.
 
He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax..
 
He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.
 
He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.
 
Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.
 
Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child.. Kevin seems to know God – to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an ‘educated’ person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.
 
In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.
 
It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.
 
It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances – they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God’s care.
 
Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.
 
And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I’ll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.
 
Kevin won’t be surprised at all!

September 29, 2008 Posted by | Community, Cross Cultural, Family Issues, Health Issues, Interconnected, Relationships, Social Issues, Spiritual | 7 Comments

How to Help: Animal Friends League

The newest newsletter from the Animal Friends League is out, with many exciting events to help them help abandoned, abused and neglected animals in Kuwait:

Hello all,

Many of you express the desire to do more for us but face limitations on your time. Attending our fundraisers is a great way to support us for one evening while having a great time with friends and family. Below is a list of upcoming events. Please show your support for the animals by giving us a call or sending us an e-mail and booking your ticket!

QUIZ NIGHT
Friday 10th October
6:30p.m. to 11:00p.m.
So you think you?re a rocket scientist?
Well if you are, then you are coming to the wrong quiz night!
Animal Friends is having another fun filled middle of the road quiz night.
Admission is 10KD per person, which includes dinner.
Teams consist of 6 people.
Bookings are essential, please e-mail info@animalfriendskuwait.org or ring Stephanie at 6657 9560 to confirm your team booking.
If you don?t have a team, don?t panic, we may be able to put one together for you!
Attached is a flyer that you can post anywhere!

CHILDREN?S HALLOWEEN PARTY
Friday 31st October
5:00p.m. to 9:00p.m.
Animal Friends is hosting its annual children?s Halloween party! We will have great food and lots of games for the children including a costume contest.
Admission is 5KD. Please call 6657 9560 or e-mail info@animalfriendskuwait.org for further details.

THANKSGIVING DINNER AND DANCE
For the benefit of Animal Friends and Operation Hope
Saturday 29th November
7:00p.m. to 11:00p.m.
Animal Friends is hosting its annual Thanksgiving dinner and dance.
Each ticket will cost 15KD and will be held at the Holiday Inn Downtown.
Please call 6700 1622 or e-mail info@animalfriendskuwait.org to reserve your tickets.

We look forward to seeing you all soon!

Kind regards,
Ayeshah Al-Humaidhi
Animal Friends League of Kuwait
P.O. Box 26112
13122 – Safat
Kuwait
+965-657-3430 (Kuwait)
+965-244-3859 (Fax)
http://www.animalfriendskuwait.org

September 28, 2008 Posted by | Charity, Community, Entertainment, Events, ExPat Life, Kuwait, Living Conditions, Relationships, Social Issues | 1 Comment

Loneliness Makes You Cold

A recent study presented on BBC Health News shows that those who are excluded or left out feel colder than those who are included.

Loneliness ‘makes you cold’

Turning up the thermometer could lighten your mood

Loneliness and coldness are often associated in everyday language, but psychologists have found that social isolation does make people feel cold.

The University of Toronto team found people feeling excluded said a room was colder than those feeling included.

And people who felt left out also chose comforting hot soup, rather than an apple or soft drink.
A UK psychologist said the findings could help people feeling isolated, particularly in the winter months.

‘Unpopular’
In the first study, 65 students were divided into two groups.

One group recalled a personal experience in which they had been socially excluded and felt isolated or lonely, such as being rejected from a club.

The other group recalled an experience in which they had been accepted.
The researchers then asked everyone to estimate the room’s temperature.

The estimates varied from about 54F (12C) to 104F (40C) – with those who had thought about an isolating experience giving lower estimates of the temperature.

In the second experiment, the researchers asked 52 students to play a computer-simulated ball game.

It was designed so that some of the volunteers had the ball tossed to them many times, but others were left out.

Afterwards, all the volunteers were asked to rate the desirability of hot coffee, crackers, soft-drinks, an apple, or hot soup.

The “unpopular” participants were much more likely than the others to want either hot soup or hot coffee.

The researchers suggest their preference for warm food and drinks resulted from physically feeling cold as a result of being excluded.

‘Coping mechanism’
Dr Chen-Bo Zhong, who led the research, which is published in the journal Psychological Science, said: “We found that the experience of social exclusion literally feels cold.

September 28, 2008 Posted by | Community, Cross Cultural, Family Issues, Health Issues, News, Relationships | 2 Comments

Compassion Fatigue

At the book club meeting, the topic turned to the feral cats and dogs. I saw one yesterday, a beautiful little dog, long haired. He still looked pretty good, but a little frantic, running along a busy road. I worried – and I couldn’t stop.

One member was telling us her experience with a local animal rescue group – “I called, and asked them to come get a group of cats. I’ve been feeding them for months. They asked if I could touch them and when I said ‘no’, they told me to taper off feeding them, that if they were going to survive, they needed to learn how to forage for themselves! Can you believe it? They are there to HELP the animals!”

Another, quieter member of the group chimed in “But they only have so many people, so many hours in the day, and so many resources. They can’t save them all.”

The group fell into a silence for a short while as we all thought about that.

I have worked most of my life with people who need help. It made a religious person out of me – I had to pray all the time against hardness of heart. When you work for a charitable organization, there are people who know your system even better that you do, who come in with all the right information and get help that they may – or may not – really need. There are people who will lie to your face without blinking an eye. To survive, you have to focus on the successes, not the failures.

To survive, charitable organizations have to define what they want to accomplish narrowly. For example finding homes for abandoned pets is a limited, manageable goal. It doesn’t help all the the starving feral cats and dogs, etc., but it helps a small segment of the animal population, those least able to care for themselves – animals who have been dependent on human beings. Tackling the larger problem really needs the resources of a nation, state or city – and a professional Animal Control Unit. When I hear of police trying to track down a lion escaped from a private citizen’s collection (and that really happened in Fintas!) I shudder in horror – how would YOU like to corner a lion in a dark cement basement somewhere? Do they have any training in animal behavior/ animal control?

I worked for a year with the homeless, as part of a transitional housing program. We coordinated with state and local agencies, got single mothers into school, found babysitting, gave them the tools to become employed and have a better life. You would be amazed at the women who wanted the freebies – the nice housing, the babysitting, etc – but didn’t want the skills that would enable them to provide for themselves, or, more heartbreakingly, for their children.

I worked for a foundation providing scholarships and educational benefits for needy children – many of whom had parents who sabotaged their success. We opened a door of opportunity, and some parents were jealous or resentful – and slammed it shut.

In every case, we had to focus on the successes, and there were many. The successes kept us going on dark days, when we lost a client we had hoped would make it.

But here is also what happens. When organizations exist to help with a problem or situation, then we call them and expect them to solve the problem. We complain about them when they explain their limitations. Sometimes, it may even be a big donor who wants a favor – a favor that just can’t be done. “After all I’ve done for you!” they exclaim, not understanding that there has to be a line, and that the boundary protects the organization from going under because they try to solve too many problems at once. They can’t come out to pick up the outdoor cat who has been in a fight – they ask YOU to care. They ask YOU to take that cat to the vet and pay for it’s repair. They are doing all that they can do already; your request is outside the limits of what they can do.

When you know people are in trouble – step up to the plate – don’t just say “someone ought to do something”, BE that someone.

Find your talent – packing up bags for Operation Hope – Kuwait, or finding donations of coats, socks, shoes, scarves to keep the poorest of the poor warm through winters that can be bone-chilling here in Kuwait. Organize meals from your local mosque – what better way to teach the goodness of God than by feeding the hungry?

Help organize a fundraiser for the blind, or the autistic, or the charity that pulls at your heartstrings. Work to have a bad law changed. Find one small way, like blogger 3baid’s PaperDump to reduce paper usage in Kuwait. Organize a beach clean-up. Set the example by throwing your trash in the trash bin. Organize a re-use program for eyeglasses. Walk a dog. Socialize a cat. Feed and clothe the poor. Trust me, it will do you at least as much good than it does the recipient.

Back to the problem of abandoned and unwanted pets in Kuwait. No one wants to see animals in pain, abused. No one wants to see suffering. You can help there, too.

There are two animal welfare organizations in Kuwait, PAWS and AWL. Both have passionate and committed supporters, and they could also use your help.

The organizations can’t do it alone. They need YOU. Next time you find yourself about to criticize an organization for not being helpful, please, ask yourself “how can I make a difference here?” Inconvenience yourself a little. Take that first step. You’ll be happy you did.

Photo of a very content rescued cat:

September 24, 2008 Posted by | Community, Customer Service, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Kuwait, Living Conditions, Relationships, Social Issues | 4 Comments

Obsession: Radical Islam and the US Election

Most of you know that I have a niece I admire as well as adore. She speaks Arabic fluently, and even better, she is interculturally fluent, from Morocco to the Gulf to Beirut, she flows with the Arabic culture, and works with an organization promoting intercultural understanding. I couldn’t be more proud of the work she does.

Please, before you read any further, take a deep breath. This is going to get bad.

Today, Little Diamond wrote about a DVD sent out by a facade-organization through newspapers in US swing states. The DVD is called Obsession: Radical Islam’s War Against the West.

Although it never claims to be a Republican support organization, or a McCain support ad, what the DVD does is to try to scare people into voting for McCain. The message is this – all Muslims are radical, and we need a strong leader like McCain to counter their insidious influence.

As my niece says, she doesn’t believe McCain would ever approve such a tawdry piece of nasty propaganda; the Clarion Group who sent this DVD out probably did it on their own.

I urge to to go to Little Diamond’s blog and read her experience, and the comments. She quotes one individual, saying:

“Whoever they are, they sure must have a lot of money. H pointed out last night that each DVD probably cost $1 to produce and $1 to distribute. That’s $56 million, not to mention the cost of placing the DVDs with each newspaper. Even if H’s estimate was too high, assuming $.50 to produce and $.50 to distribute means $28 million + advertising contract costs. That’s quite a lot of money for a no-name non-profit to have gathered since its creation in 2006.”

Elections can bring out the best in people and/or the worst. Both McCain and Obama have so far treated each other respectfully, as is appropriate for educated, senatorial leaders of a country. This kind of hate-tactic is NOT the American way. It makes me see red.

September 23, 2008 Posted by | Blogroll, Community, Cross Cultural, Leadership, Lies, Living Conditions, News, Political Issues, Relationships, Social Issues | 7 Comments

Romance and Money Matters

I found this article in today’s New York Times Business. So here is my question to you – is it different in Kuwait than in the USA? I remember when we wanted a joint checking account here ( Adventures in Banking), one man looked at my husband in disbelief and said “Why? Just give her some money!” We never did get a joint account; it isn’t possible, but I was given a PAO on the account. It seemed bizarre to me, but it makes perfect sense if couples keep their moneys separately.

What do you think? Does this article apply to marriage in Kuwait?

The Key to Wedded Bliss? Money Matters

By TARA SIEGEL BERNARD
Published: September 10, 2008
IF you ask married people why their marriage works, they are probably not going to say it’s because they found their financial soul mate.

But if they are lucky, they have. Marrying a person who shares your attitudes about money might just be the smartest financial decision you will ever make. In fact, when it comes to finances, your marriage is likely to be your most valuable asset — or your largest liability.

Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged affairs, aligning families for economic or political purposes or simply pooling the resources of those scraping by.

Today, while most of us marry for romantic reasons, marriage at its core is still a financial union. So much of what we want — or don’t want — out of life boils down to dollars and cents, whether it’s how hard we choose to work, how much we consume or how much we save. For some people, it’s working 80-hour weeks to finance a third home and country club membership; for others, it means cutting back on office hours to spend more time with the family.

“A lot of the debates people have about money are code for how we want to live our lives,” said Betsey Stevenson, assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, who researches the economics of marriage and divorce. “A lot of the choices we make in how we want to live our lives involve how we spend our money.”

Making those choices as a team is one of the most important ways to preserve your marital assets, and your union, experts say. But it’s that much easier when you already share similar outlooks on money matters — or when you can, at the very least, find some middle ground.

The economies achieved by pairing up are fairly obvious. However, the costs of divorce can be financially devastating, especially when children are involved. And, not surprisingly, money manages to force a wide wedge between many couples.

“Most people think people break up over sex issues and children issues — and those are issues — but money is a huge factor in breaking up marriages,” said Susan Reach Winters, a divorce lawyer in Short Hills, N.J.

Not everyone is married to a financial twin, and that’s not necessarily a problem. There are several ways that you and your significant other can become more compatible, and ultimately more prosperous, when it comes to money.

These guidelines are compiled from the successfully married and from experts on psychology, divorce and finance:

TALK AND SHARE GOALS Before walking down the aisle, couples should have a talk about their financial health and goals. They should ask each other tough questions: Do we want children? When? Who will care for them? Will they go to public or private school? What kind of life do we want? When will we retire?

This is a fascinating article – read the rest of it HERE.

September 11, 2008 Posted by | Community, Cross Cultural, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Kuwait, Living Conditions, Marriage, Mating Behavior, Relationships, Social Issues, Technical Issue | 4 Comments

The Scourge of Poverty

For the last several years I have tried to start my day by reading my daily readings in the Lectionary (which is also listed in my blogroll there at the right, so you can click on it any time to see what I am reading) and the daily reading from Forward Day by Day (also on the blogroll list).

I think my days go better when I do. I’m human; there are days when I have forgotten, or gotten caught up in the frenzy of daily life and neglected my readings, but it is my commitment and my habit, and I am fairly faithful to it.

Today’s reading in Forward Day by Day (oops, I can see that it is actually Monday’s reading, but as I write, it is still Monday in the USA where it is homed) has to do with poverty.

I thought I would share it with you because I know from what you share with me that during Ramadan, as you grow closer to Allah/God, that part of the expression of that closeness is giving to the poor. I have read of many different ways in which this is expressed – medical expenses paid, food given in Iftar meals, eyeglasses purchased for the needy, a year’s rent paid for a widow with children – what generosity!

I have worked with the poor. I have known what agony it is to have to choose between making an expensive car repair and getting a dental exam. We kept a pantry full of food for those who could barely make the rent, and had nothing left over for food. These were the working poor, the can-we-make-it-from-month-to-month poor. There is a whole other level, the street poor, with their worldly possessions in a garbage sack, or shredding backpack, who never know if they will get food for the day.

I see people here in Kuwait scouring the beaches for something to throw in the soup to make it nourishing, people who beg just for a little bread.

The problems can be overwhelming.

In Kuwait, one group refuses to be overwhelmed. Every month of the year is devoted to alleviating the suffering of the poor. That group is Operation Hope Kuwait. While you are considering where to make an impact this Ramadan – or any other time of the year when you are feeling thankful and generous – please consider Operation Hope Kuwait. They gather all kinds of resources and distribute them to the poor. They faithfully act as God’s hands here on earth, serving the needs of the most desperately poor and needy. Whatever you give them will be stretched to the maximum; they don’t waste a penny, not a fil. Please, give generously.

Psalm 41. Happy are they who consider the poor and needy! the LORD will deliver them in the time of trouble.

The scourge of poverty can be viewed as a sociological problem, an economic problem, a political problem, or in other ways. The scriptures offer no grand economic theories other than to tell those who have much to share with those who have little. Christ told his disciples that they would always have the poor among them. Given human sin and limitations, the problem will always be somewhat intractable.

But the problem of my heart and how it regards the poor-the problem of my own generosity to the world around me – is not intractable. Economic theory and political allegiance are not the crucial questions before us. How I regard the poor is a matter of deep importance in the relationship of my heart with God. The psalm could not be clearer: happy are those who consider [do good to] the poor. It offers a promise to us as well that God will deliver us when we find ourselves in the day of trouble.

September 9, 2008 Posted by | Blogroll, Community, Cross Cultural, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Fund Raising, Health Issues, Kuwait, Living Conditions, Ramadan, Relationships, Social Issues | 2 Comments

Damages, Glen Close and Paradise Road

AdventureMan and I could hardly wait to get home – we started Glen Close’s Damages, a critically acclaimed, award winning legal drama that hit the screen in 2007, but only recently came out in DVD form. As I am always on the watch for series that will grip us – and give us hours of speculation and conversation over dinner – I snapped this one up en route back to Kuwait, knowing with Ramadan here, we would have quiet hours we could spend watching.

Holy. Smokes. Damages is gripping. Damages is amazing. Damages has you sitting on the edge of your chair, and panting for more!

You have to get used to the cinematic style – we start in the present and throughout the entire 13 episodes, we go back into the past – from years ago to months ago to weeks ago, as we get closer to the end – days ago – to follow the career of new lawyer Ellen Parsons, as she goes to work for the top-of-the-heap firm Hewes and Associates. Hewes, played by Glen Close, is simply breathtaking.

Hewes and Associates are in the process of going after Arthur Frobisher, an egomaniacal developer who, similar to other big rich crooks in the US, took his funds out of his company when he had inside information it was about to tank, leaving his 500 employees unemployed, pension fund bankrupt and without the financial security they had invested in for so long. We know there is more going on here, and from week to week, we learn a little more of the puzzle. The puzzle is intricate and complex, and with each episode – man, the hook is set. We are addicted.

We hurried through the last three episodes to share it with some good friends who appreciate the same kinds of shows we do. We look forward to sharing it with our son, who shared Deadwood with us – it’s that good. It’s Deadwood level.

Glen close plays Patty Hewes as a driven, hard working woman, feared, admired and hated in a field which allows little room for mistakes. Part of what keeps you coming back is the revealing of all the different layers of her personality – the vulnerable mother, the trophy wife, the tough-minded head of her firm, the manipulator of all around her. Her motto (reminiscent of the old X-files) is Trust No One. We certainly have questions about how far we can trust her.

Did she try to have her protegee murdered?

We can hardly wait for Season 2.

UPDATE: 22 Sep 08 Last night Glen Close won Best Actress in a Drama (Emmy Awards) for her role as Patty Hewes.

Did you ever see Glen Close in Fatal Attraction? Did you see her as the police chief in The Shield? She is the most amazing actress, such subtlety in her expression, such vulnerability, such toughness.

My very favorite movie with her in it is Paradise Road.

It has to do with a boatload of women and children, and how they survive in a Japanese prison camp during World War II. I don’t buy a lot of movies, but I bought this one – it’s that good. You can watch it once a year and feel equally inspired every time you watch it.

This is from Wikipedia and is a summary of the movie Paradise Road:

Singapore falls to the Japanese in 1942 and the women and children are put on boats to be shipped to safety. Japanese fighters, however, sink one boat and those on board must swim for their lives. Landing on the Japanese controlled island of Sumatra, the women, including Adrienne Pargiter (Glenn Close), a British graduate of the Royal Academy of Music, Susan Macarthy (Cate Blanchett), an Australian nursing student, Topsy Merrit (Julianna Margulies), a pessimistic American, and “Margaret” Drummond (Pauline Collins), a sweet missionary, are captured and imprisoned in a Japanese POW camp. Suffering from cruel and inhumane treatment, tropical diseases and the uncertainty of their future, the women band together for moral support. Others, including Dr. Verstak (Frances McDormand) and Sister Wilhelminia (Johanna Ter Steege) do what they can to tend to the physical and spiritual needs of the group. As the years pass, the women, led by Adrienne, form a “vocal orchestra” that not only softens the guards’ demeanor, but also lifts the women’s spirits as it provides a purpose in their lives.[1]

Paradise Road announces itself in large print to be “based on a true story”. The film is said to be centred on a group of women who are on a ship fleeing Singapore. Having survived the bombing and sinking of the ship they think that “the worst is over”, but they find that the tough times are in the prison camp, and that is when they face their harshest test of survival. However, when introducing viewers to setting and characters, and getting the characters into a prison camp, Paradise Road makes an obvious change from true incidents.

September 7, 2008 Posted by | Character, Community, Entertainment, ExPat Life, Family Issues, Kuwait, Law and Order, Living Conditions, Relationships, Social Issues | 8 Comments

Marriage Improves With Age

This is from AOL News, and you can read the rest of the interview/ article by clicking here:

Couples Improve With Age, Book Says
By Nanci Hellmich, USA Today

(Sept. 3) – Married couples in their later years often show a great deal of affection, says best-selling author Maggie Scarf, 77, who has spent more than 30 years studying relationships.

“There’s intimacy. There is pleasure in each other’s company. They say to each other, ‘I love you more than ever.’ ” Scarf’s new book is ‘September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years,’ released Sept. 3. She has been married for 55 years to Herb Scarf, 78, a Yale professor.

They have three daughters. Scarf shares her insights with USA TODAY.

Q: How would you describe your marriage?

A: Like any other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs at times. We haven’t ridden through 55 years on a cloud of bliss. But the fact is we have always remained committed to each other. We have a lot of fun. My husband has a tremendous sense of humor, and we laugh a lot. He is my best buddy.
Herb is the person who knows everything about me. And I know everything about him. At least we think we do.

Q: What is the U-shaped curve in marriage that you describe in the book?
A: There have been pretty influential studies over the past 40 years that show a couple’s contentment is at its highest in the earliest phase of marriage.

Then you get to know the other person’s foibles and faults. Kids come along and you lose sleep and you want the other person to do more than they are doing. Then you are negotiating on a daily basis with your adolescents, and your sense of contentment and well-being go down during that time.
But as the nest starts to empty, your sense of well-being, contentment and time for intimacy go up. The U-curve begins to rise. You rediscover the person you knew early on.

I like it that she shoots straight that her marriage was not always a bed of roses. Couples whose marriages survive have to work hard to keep a marriage alive. When the kids start coming along, there are so many demands on your time, so many distractions, it is hard to keep a marriage fresh and thriving. The good news is that all the good times come back.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

September 6, 2008 Posted by | Family Issues, Marriage, Mating Behavior, News, Relationships, Social Issues | Leave a comment