Groaners!
Oh! You’re going to love these! Thank you, Doha friend, for sending these. 🙂 AdventureMan and Daggero are going to love them!
GROANERS
1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you
100,000 dinars for it.” But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King
protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When
you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think
I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just
have to be a little patient.”
4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5) Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made watch cases, they used
them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often
ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have
absolutely nothing to go on.”
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken
Leif off my census.”
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
Word Lovers: New LOLs from the Washington Post
Thank you, KitKat, for your always great contributions:
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an a$$hole.
Words Strung Together in New Ways
I have a wonderful friend – she speaks English fluently, but it is her second language. Every now and then, she will say something that gives me a grin. It’s not because what she say is funny, but because I truly love language and words, and she strings words together in new ways, and when you put words together in new ways, you think new thoughts.
The first was Christmas “wrath”. She caught me totally by surprise. I knew what she meant, Christmas wreath, but the image of Christmas wrath totally caught my imagination. Holidays are volatile. Christmas wrath happens. I imagine Ramadan wrath happens, and Eid wrath. I think I laughed, not because I would ever make fun of her – I wouldn’t. After all, we are speaking English, not French, and I know how amusing the French find it when I speak French. This woman is way ahead of me.
Yesterday, she mentioned having a “pitch” in her stomach. I couldn’t help it. I grinned. She knew immediately, and asked, so I told her that we say “pit” but the truth is – when things are out of control and your stomach registers fear, it is as likely to pitch as it is to have a pit. I love the imagery.
Forgive me if I grin when you (very rarely) use the wrong word. I am not mocking you. I am smiling in delight at the new way you have put words together, that give me images I would not otherwise have had. And I look forward to all the future occasions when you will delight me with new concepts, new words strung together. 🙂
Valentine’s Day Word Play
Happy Valentine’s Day!
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
Ughs and kisses!
What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
I Love Ewe!
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!
Knock knock!
Who’e there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss?
What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day?
Owl be yours!
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny!
What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
I’m nuts about you!
What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
You’re nuts so bad yourself!
Knock knock!Â
Who’s there?Â
SherwoodÂ
Sherwood who?Â
Sherwood like to be your valentine!
Â
Knock, knockÂ
Who’s there?Â
PoochÂ
Pooch who?Â
Pooch your arms around me, baby!
Â
Thank you, KitKat!
Why I Love A-Word-A-Day
This is today’s entry from Anu Garg’s A Word A Day.
Wordsmith.org The Magic of Words
This week’s theme
Words from Obama
This week’s words
cohere
with Anu Garg
Tomorrow Barack Obama will become president of the US, and not a moment too soon. This week we’ll feature words from Obama, words from his books, speeches, and interviews.
Unlike most politicians, who hire ghostwriters, Obama writes his own books. He’s a gifted writer. Reading his words you can see his thought process. He’s not one who sees the globe in black and white. He has lived outside the US and has been exposed to other cultures. He realizes that just because someone has a different set of beliefs, just because someone looks different, doesn’t mean he’s wrong — sometimes there can be two ways to do something and both can be right.
Obama is to be commended for his accomplishments. We’ve come a long way in this country. But we still have far to go before we can call ourselves truly unbiased. Real progress will be when any capable person can have a fair chance at winning the highest office, even someone who happens to be, say, a black gay vegan atheist woman.
Anything is possible… but don’t hold your breath.
cohere
PRONUNCIATION:
(ko-HEER)
MEANING:
verb intr.: To be united; to work or hold together.
ETYMOLOGY:
From Latin cohaerere, from co- (together) + haerere (to stick).
USAGE:
“I learned to slip back and forth between my black and white worlds, understanding that each possessed its own language and customs and structures of meaning, convinced that with a bit of translation on my part the two worlds would eventually cohere.”
Barack Obama; Dreams From My Father; Times Books; 1995.
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. -Martin Luther King, Jr., civil-rights leader (1929-1968)
Here is what Anu Garg isn’t saying, and my guess is he hasn’t thought twice about it. He is an American. He was not born in America, he immigrated to America – as most of us did, meaning our forefathers and mothers came from Europe, from Africa, from Asia and from India and the Middle East and – and – and. As an immigrant, as an American, he is free to say what he wants. Free to be happy Obama is president, and at the same time free to say that the system is not yet free enough.
I also totally love it that his quote for today is from Martin Luther King, who we are celebrating in America, on this national holiday.
We don’t have to agree. I love it that he is passionate about his beliefs, and that he provides A-Word-A-Day as a public service, entirely free, every day sending a new word, defined and used in context, to subscribers in every nation in the world. I admire people like him, like the Rajab family here in Kuwait, like Andrew Carnegie who started most of the small town libraries in the United States, people who use what they have been given to give back to the world-at-large.
You can see A Word A Day leads my blogroll. You can subscribe by clicking on the blue type above. 🙂
Aphorisms to get you through the day
Another gem in this morning’s e-mail from a wise and treasured mentor:
An APHORISM is a short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth. Here are some “gems”.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says ‘It’s only a game.’ when their team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind, and the ones who mind, don’t matter
Sailors Take Warning!
I grew up on the sea – or at least on an inland outpost of the sea. There was a verse we learned early in our lives:
Red sky at night – Sailor’s delight,
Red sky at morning – Sailors take warning!
Here is the sky this morning:
Half an hour later, there was a sunrise, but I laughed when I saw how dim the sun was, and how magnificent the reflections were off the clouds – who would think the sun could be a bit player in a sunrise?
Have a GREAT day, Q8!
Discreetly, Little Diamond!
We all have things that grate on our ears – my pet peeve is people saying they are “anxious” when they are really “eager.” I was typing away today, and remembered one of my niece Little Diamond’s pet peeves – Discrete vs. Discreet. I am sorry to say, once again, I had to look it up:
I drank my coffee discreetly, Little Diamond, while counting 20 discrete fishing boats on the horizon.
Sparkle and Talk Like a Pirate Day
In my e-mail this morning are two notes from my sister, Sparkle. Sparkle is a very special woman who, with her husband, Mariner Man, takes in damaged animals. Some have been abandoned or neglected, some have been physically hurt. They had a great big husky who had been lost or abandoned and hit by a car, one of the nicest dogs you could ever meet. They have a diabetic cat with a damaged leg, and several emotionally disturbed cats whom they nurse and teach to trust in goodness and kindness once again. Their newest dog keeps us in stitches – she is young and just learning about the larger world. Life is sweet when you are walking this dog!
Sparkle is also very very funny. She wants me to know that Friday, tomorrow, is the annual Talk Like a Pirate Day. You can learn more about Talk Like a Pirate Day from this WordPress Blog.
Here is a very abbreviated list of words from the website, in case you want to Talk Like a Pirate:
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! – exhortation of discontent or disgust
Ahoy! – Hello!
Ahoy, Matey – Hello, my friend!
Ahoy, me Hearties! – the same as saying “Hello, my friends!”
All hand hoay! – comparable to all hands on deck
Avast ye – stop and check this out or pay attention
Aye – yes
Batten down the hatches – put everything away on the ship and tie everything down because a storm is brewing
Bilge-sucking – insult
Blimey! – exhortation of surprise
Blow me down! – expression of shock of disbelief akin to “Holy Crap!”
Blow the man down – command to kill someone
Booty – treasure
Buccaneer – a pirate
Bucko – a buccaneer
Cat O’Nine Tails – a whip with nine strands
Corsair – pirates in the Mediterranean Sea
Crow’s nest – small platform atop the mast where the lookout stands
Strange Practices
This is from the Kuwait Crime section of the Arab Times:
And in an unrelated development, Interior Minister Sheikh Jaber Al-Khaled Al-Sabah should look into the alleged immoral practices on Kuwaiti islands, National Assembly Comptroller Dr Mohammed Al-Huwailah told Alam Al-Yawm. Urging the minister to take stringent measures to curb ‘immorality’ in these islands, Al-Huwailah wondered how could some people engage in strange practices under the supposedly watchful eyes of security authorities, particularly the Coast Guard. Asserting he will closely follow up the issue, Al-Huwailah warned the minister’s lenient attitude on the issue will lead to the destruction of Arab and Islamic values. He called for the strict implementation of the law to protect the Kuwaiti society.
I am guessing these strange practices are alien practices? What kind of practices are taking place on Kuwait’s islands?
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