Bullying and 19 Minutes; Jodi Picoult
When my blogging friend Chirp makes a recommendation, I have learned to order the book and read it. She reads books that make you think! The latest book is Jodi Picoult’s 19 Minutes, a book about a kid who is sensitive and kind and funny, and plays by the rules – he is good at sharing, and listening and all the things we try to teach our children to be good at.
He gets bullied. From the time he starts school, he is bullied physically and mentally and emotionally. He does the right thing – he reports it. The schools do nothing, or so little that it only makes things worse for him. Pushed too far, one day snaps, he goes ballistic. He walks into the school and shoots 19 of his classmates.
One problem is access to weapons. Literally, physically teenagers have not yet developed the judgement areas of the brain. I am guessing in males it takes even longer, and I only guess that because of all the traffic fatalities and physical damage adolescent boys inflict upon themselves – and their victims. Maybe it is that fatal combination of poor judgement and testosterone that pushes them too far. Access to weapons – guns, knives, fast cars – makes them even more lethal.
Before I wrote this review, however, I had to do a lot of thinking. This book is about bullying, and even as adults we come across bullies. Our household helpers are terrified of the police – those who are here to protect us. The police use their position to try to bully phone numbers out of pretty Kuwaiti girls, and to exact sexual favors from the Asian domestics. Not all police are bullies, but if a person has that tendency, the position allows him/her to use that power wrongly.
And bullying doesn’t stop with graduation from high school. We are seeing the same kinds of behavior at universities – Virginia Tech – and in the workplace – “going postal” and GMAC just to name two. People who are bullied sometimes turn, they go out in a blaze of glory.
I’ve been bullied. People who are raised to have good manners are often victims of those who are willing to overstep the boundaries. We make excuses for them – we say they are oblivious. I am beginning to think that many a bully is NOT oblivious, but has learned to push to get his or her own way.
With men, the bullying is more physical, and it’s all about jockying for position – number one in the pecking order, the next promotion, the boss’s golf partner, etc. If you think women are gossips – you oughta hear the men! When I hear men “bantering” it’s all about who’s got the “biggest.” Or maybe, the devil whispers in my ear, it’s about who can make you THINK his is the biggest.
With women, in my experience, most of the bullies are physically bigger. They are women who – literally – throw their weight around. They are women who will interrupt anyone and override their suggestion with a loud voice. They are women who have temper tantrums, and hurt feelings, who go from person to person forming alliances that dissolve with the next disagreement. That’s the sad truth – a bully wants his or her own way – all the time. Once you go against them, you have to watch your back.
Picoult has done her homework. Bullies are often likeable enough people! A bully carries his/own burden, however – and that is a desperate need for popularity. You can see this in animal behavior; once a creature has achieved dominance, it takes enormous energy to maintain that position, so much energy that the rest of your life shrinks as your focus must be on maintaining dominance.
The UK, Canada, and the US all have websites about bullying, trying to put a stop to it in the schools. What do they define as bullying?
People calling you names
Making things up to get you into trouble
Hitting, pinching, biting, pushing and shoving
Taking things away from you
Damaging your belongings
Stealing your money
Taking your friends away from you
Posting insulting messages on the internet or by IM (cyberbullying)
Spreading rumours
Threats and intimidation
Making silent or abusive phone calls
Sending you offensive phone texts
Bullies can also frighten you so that you don’t want to go to school, so that you pretend to be ill to avoid them
What can people with manners do against a bully?
In general, the first thing to do is tell an adult – it doesn’t have to be your parents. Additonal suggestions suggest creating your own support network – create a wide network of friends. Join interest groups, in our out of school.
When our son was bullied in school, he worked hard and earned a black belt in karate, and then went on to earn further degrees, and to teach karate – while still in high school. Just knowing that he had a lethal skill made him walk differently, made the bullies afraid to target him. He went to a magnet school, where there was a high degree of chaos, and he sought out and made friends with the biggest people he could find. He used his head. He made it through. Of all his accomplishments, one of the things that made us most proud of him was his ability to stick it out and to prevail.
I worked in a high school. My office was a safe haven for many kids, kids who found high school dynamics pure hell. Most of them were emotionally years ahead of the crowds roaming the hallways, the cruel kids, for whom high school will probably be the highlight of their lives.
“You’re going to love being an adult,” I would tell them. “Hang in there. For them, this may be as good as it gets, but your life is going to get better and better.”
Geeks don’t always get a lot of respect. The two guys that graduated high school at the bottom of the class with my son already had a flourishing computer networking business going. If you haven’t noticed, most of the people who are making it big financially are people who have learned how to use their heads.
I have learned something else. You can beat a bully at his or her own game. Bullies usually rely on instilling fear in others, but rarely do they do their homework.
Choose your battles. Bullying hurts everyone. If you see someone being bullied and you can do something about it then and there, stand up for the person being bullied. All you have to do is say “that’s not funny, just stop.” Many times bullies are so shocked at being challenged, they will stop! If your judgement tells you it would be unsafe to say anything, quickly tell an adult, a supervisor, a manager, what you have seen.
If a bully is trying to push through something you believe is wrong, you can quietly discuss things one on one with others, and make a plan. You can call for a vote! You can quietly stand up to a bully. You can tell a bully “it’s my turn to talk” and they have to shut up! (When you do this, you have to be very careful to listen when the bully is speaking so that everyone knows it really IS your turn to talk.) You can use a little gentle humor – bullies usually only like humor when it is aimed at someone else. They haven’t a clue what to do when it is aimed at them!
If it is annoying, but not something worth fighting over, let the bully get his or her own way. They usually end up shooting themselves in the foot, self-destructing. The adult bully ends up driving people away, and then wondering why he/she has no friends?
Living your own life well is your best revenge!
Thank you, Chirp, for another book that really made me think!
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Great post Intlxpatr, I just have one comment though or rather, a question. What about the bullies themselves? is their life completely hopeless? why not treat the root of the problem by educating those bullies, making them aware of their own wrong-doing, counseling, whatever it is that would give them a better perspective at what life could be for them?! I find it extremely annoying to take bullying for granted and not work towards the betterment of all students’ lives. It just makes me sad to read that probably the highlight of a bullies life is their school life. What about the rest of it?!
Just a thought!
Excellent point, Kinan! I had a friend who was an elementary counsellor. She started a club against bullying – AND SHE INVITED ALL THE BULLIES! They would sit and help define what bullying was, and how it felt when they got bullied.
You are SO right, most bullies have been bullied, that is how they learn the behavior. Behavior can change. It’s a choice, and learning new ways of managing yourself. Well done, well done, thank you for pointing that out.
My daughter was bullied for years. She was bigger than most of the kids so wouldn’t fight back, being afraid she would hurt them. She stood up for the smaller ones being bullied but wouldn’t help herself. After several years of trying to get her to stand up for herself, in middle school I showed her how to fight back, using her size without it looking like she was fighting and without actually hurting anyone(something I learned in the military). I was so proud the day she came home and told me she had finally done it and shocked the kids pushing her around. It gave her confidence she didn’t have before and they left her alone after that. She has never been bullied since.
Momcat, I’d love to learn your skill – fighting without actually hurting anyone. I would love it. I bet I would walk differently if I knew I could take someone down without seriously assaulting them. 😉
2 of my cousins used to bully me, i hated them .. I can’t talk to them now even as adults.
MY other cousin whos younger than me in 5 years, was overweight until recently. SO when he was in 7th grade (about 6 years ago or maybe less) this girl came up to him and told him that he should go buy a bra cuz he has boobs, so he looked at her and told her at least im better than u .. ur flatter than kuwait! LOL! But when he was in our school he was bullied a lot cuz he was Kuwaiti but not VERY kuwaiti cuz he grew up in the US and UK until he was in grade 7. His mom had to move him to another school, and he went on to get his black belt in Karate and Mashala he is one smart kid!!!
In India we call it “ragging” (wiki) , although i never heard of it untill i had reached the college . But i was a local kid so no one dared, but there was a incident where a nephew of local radical group leader was ragged and dozens of hardcore thugs stopped the college bus and beat the bully’s and kidnapped them , released them only when thier parents apologised … for many years ragging stopped in our college ,.. but now bullying is common even in junior schools .. times are chaging… i have always dreamed of AJ as a Karate Kid so that he can defend himself .
*WHOOPING with laughter!* Chirp! I already love your cousin! “Flatter than Kuwait!” You really have to live here to know how funny that is – like if the sea level were six inches higher, Kuwait would disappear!
Your cousin has an enviable level of self-confidence, and he is quick-witted. I bet he grows into an adult who is a lot of fun to be around.
How are your cousins doing now? Still bullying in their own way? gossip is another form of bullying; adults just find less direct ways of bullying others.
GreY – yeh, we also call it ragging, but even good friends “rag” each other, I guess for us ragging has more of an intense teasing implication, and bullying implies more intimidation. I think you are on the right track with AJ :-). Build his confidence, give him skills for self-defense – and like Chirp’s cousin, wit is part of that arsenal! And good judgement!
My cousin has grown into an amazin young adult .. I love hanging out with him .. I do not feel like he is younger than me in 5 years at all, hes off to college now though :(. My 2 other cousins, I don’t talk to them, they like to cause problems and drama between ppl, #1 gossip queens, they don’t care who they hurt in the process even if it was a relative! I told my mother that I had “washed my hands (q80 saying meaning given up on)” from her sister and her sisters daughters.
Chirp, I agree, some people it’s just safer to try to keep some distance! Even family members! Gossip is one of the #1 ways adults bully others. It’s almost kinder to knife a person than to say mean things behind their backs. I am delighted to hear your cousin is thriving. Hope you get to visit with him this summer.
did peter kill himself in jail at end of book? i’m confused
Yes, he did.
i hate bullying so who ever does it to me willl get a beat down
When i started school i used to be a bully but now i read your book since there i stoped because it makes me fell bad what i did to those people.. thank you for doing this book without it i would still be a bully.x
Claudia, it isn’t easy to change a behavior. I am really proud of you for making that decision and sticking to it. How did you do it? How did you make the decision, how did you start? Is your life different now?
your all puffs, i’m a bully and its fun fun fun
hey i get bullyed and i hate itt!
[…] The bullies have always been there – Jodi Picoult in 19 MInutes says that the worst part about being the bully is that nagging insecurity that if you stop trying […]
Seu filho da puta! Voces seus americanos filhos da puta, bélicos e racistas acham isso legal, mas aqui no brasil, isso é punitivo, ao contrário de voces que gostam do sofrimento dos outros só porque são a maior potencia mundial!
well who eva gets bullyed there is only so much sum1 can take, so 1 day the bullys will get a unwanted suprise ans shown how it feels to get bullyed. i always say u can only beat me down once because how eva i do it im gana get u back and i hold my word.
Great, I didn’t know about this topic up to now. Thankz.
how da h3ll u got da pic
LOL damien, I googled “image: bullying”
intlxpatr, if you like to stand your ground without hurting anybody you should look up Hapkido. Very intelligent, effective, non-agressive martial art.
I am more for the real lethal martial arts, but then I have been bullied since kindergarten.
I am also a nerd.
I firmly believed in being polite and good and friendly. When I had enough I dyed all my clothes black and became really sarcastic, and scared people from bullying me any further.
U VERY POLITE MEH
DOG LA
BULLY ur MUM LA DOGS ONLY DOGS BULLY PEOPLE.
BULLY ur MUM LA DOGS ONLY DOGS BULLY PEOPLE.STUPID DOG MAlayS…
I THROW PORK AT U LA.. NB CB HALAL SUX.
u big dog or small puppy?