Spy the Lie on the Diane Rehm Show
Thursday, July 24th, Diane Rehm had another wonderful show. Diane Rehm has a gift for asking thoughtful questions, listening carefully, and then following up with another thoughtful question. She treats her guests with great civility, but she never hesitates to ask the tough question.
Thursday, she interviewed Senator Marco Rubio, who did pretty well until she started asking him the tough, revealing questions, and you could actually hear him squirm.
Far more interesting than Senator Rubio was her interview with former CIA employees Philip Houston and Michael Floyd, discussing their new book Spy the Lie. We’ve all heard different ways liars give themselves away, but these two former interrogators told us how to ask questions, and a “cocktail” of responses – not one response, eyes shifting away, but a variety together – which tell you that you are being lied to.
Deflection, change of voice tone, swearing to God, anger at being asked – these and other giveaways work together. Bottom line – if your instincts are screaming “Lie! Lie!” then chances are good you are being lied to.
The truth is, most of us know when we are being lied to. There are times the liar will never admit to it, but you have to work with the knowledge that what he or she is saying is a lie. At least you know. You don’t have to buy into the lie. And you know my position – lying hurts the liar most of all.
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It is not always easy to tell. My husband (now ex) lied expertly for years. He emptied the accounts, left me with a text message, and committed felony bigamy. The entire second life he crafted was based solely on lies. He was as adept at deception as Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Catch Me if You Can. I caught him, but not until it was too late.
You are so right; good liars have had a lifetime of practice. And I like what you say in your blog, that you eventually realized it was not about you, it was about him and his own demons. Once you step back and take yourself out of the equation, it’s easier to see the patterns of concealment and deflection. I’m sorry that happened to you, (love the phrase Tsunami Divorce) and I am delighted to see what you have become and are becoming now that you are free of him. You sound happy. He didn’t ruin your life. Sadly, I suspect his life is as complex and unsatisfying as ever.
But it’s also interesting that once someone uses a defense for lying: (“How dare you accuse me of cheating?”) that he later thinks that same defense will work! After I’d learned he WAS cheating, my ex-husband actually said, “How dare you accuse me of hiding money?” Um, everything else he’d asked “How dare you accuse me of…” had turned out to be true. I’m not falling for that one any more….
Sondy, I don’t think they rely on the lie, I think the liars are relying on your fear of their anger. Anger is a powerful – and manipulative – weapon. Once you disengage, you can see how hilarious and obvious most liars are – and how they end up accusing themselves. It sounds like you’ve come out of all this much wiser and more savvy. 🙂