Marriage Improves With Age
This is from AOL News, and you can read the rest of the interview/ article by clicking here:
Couples Improve With Age, Book Says
By Nanci Hellmich, USA Today
(Sept. 3) – Married couples in their later years often show a great deal of affection, says best-selling author Maggie Scarf, 77, who has spent more than 30 years studying relationships.
“There’s intimacy. There is pleasure in each other’s company. They say to each other, ‘I love you more than ever.’ ” Scarf’s new book is ‘September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years,’ released Sept. 3. She has been married for 55 years to Herb Scarf, 78, a Yale professor.
They have three daughters. Scarf shares her insights with USA TODAY.
Q: How would you describe your marriage?
A: Like any other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs at times. We haven’t ridden through 55 years on a cloud of bliss. But the fact is we have always remained committed to each other. We have a lot of fun. My husband has a tremendous sense of humor, and we laugh a lot. He is my best buddy.
Herb is the person who knows everything about me. And I know everything about him. At least we think we do.
Q: What is the U-shaped curve in marriage that you describe in the book?
A: There have been pretty influential studies over the past 40 years that show a couple’s contentment is at its highest in the earliest phase of marriage.
Then you get to know the other person’s foibles and faults. Kids come along and you lose sleep and you want the other person to do more than they are doing. Then you are negotiating on a daily basis with your adolescents, and your sense of contentment and well-being go down during that time.
But as the nest starts to empty, your sense of well-being, contentment and time for intimacy go up. The U-curve begins to rise. You rediscover the person you knew early on.
I like it that she shoots straight that her marriage was not always a bed of roses. Couples whose marriages survive have to work hard to keep a marriage alive. When the kids start coming along, there are so many demands on your time, so many distractions, it is hard to keep a marriage fresh and thriving. The good news is that all the good times come back.
Read the rest of the article HERE.
ExPat Labor Force Statistics Kuwait
(For your good laugh of the day, visit NQ’s / L’s Brain very original take on the blogging scene in Kuwait . . . I mention it because they have me reading aloud from the newspaper, which I do! LOL!)
1.15 million expats working in private sector
From today’s Al Watan:
KUWAIT: An official census published on Thursday showed that around 1.15 million expatriates worked in the Kuwaiti private sector until June of this year.
The census, prepared by the Central Census Department, showed that males made up 93.5 percent of the expatriates, while 6.5 percent were female.
The study said that around 67.7 percent of the expatriates got salaries lower than 180 Kuwaiti dinars. About 63 percent of the expats were nonـArabs, while 37 percent were Arabs, the study added. ـKUNA
Becoming Kuwaiti and Oatmeal
I’m not a big fan of oatmeal, so when my best-friend-from-college raved about eating oatmeal in the morning, I listened, even though the gag-reflex was about to kick in. She raved about one particular brand – Snoqualamie Falls oatmeal:
And then, she went one better, she sent me a bag of it. I tried it a couple times. It’s still oatmeal.
Where do the skaters come in, you are asking?
Age creeps up on you. With any luck at all, you lose your bad habits along the way, but some of them stick like glue. I am telling you this, because it is Ramadan, and I am guessing you understand a little. Our sermon in church this week and our readings have had to do with temptation, and how if you focus on something – like “I will not think about jellybeans,” then it is all you think about. Our readings tell us to focus on something else, like reading spiritual writings, or becoming actively involved in some activity that takes you mind totally off the temptation.
I think of myself as a skater. When I was an adolescent, I had what I call roller-coaster grades. I would skate along doing the minimum, and then when it was time to get a paper in or study for a final grade, I would pull out all the stops, and I would get the grade I wanted . . . . most of the time. I underachieved just often enough to stick a grain of doubt in my mind that this was the path to success.
Because God has a sense of humor, he gave me a son with the same pattern, and this smart, cheerful, inventive kid did the minimum until grading time, and then he would pull through, while my I watched in horrified fascination. (Have you noticed, you are always tougher on those who exhibit your own shortcomings?)
So, mature as I am, I have developed a lot of self-discipline and patience and persistence through the years, things I call the harder gifts. I learned them from Motherhood, and from dealing with the normal troubles that come through living life, and all that life throws at you.
Or so I thought. This summer, at my well-woman appointment, I gave up my blood samples and received, in return, a lot of bad news.
I am borderline diabetic. I am borderline hypertensive. I am overweight. I have bad cholesterol out of proportion to the good cholesterol.
I’ve been skating close to those readings for years, but coming to Kuwait, I sort of stopped exercising. I haven’t been as physically active as before. I started blogging, which is sedentary to the max. I thought I could skate, but now the grim reckoning has been presented to me.
I really don’t want to go on a medication I will have to take for the rest of my life. I really don’t want to go on a medication that may have side effects no one knows yet because they are so new. To avoid going on medications, the doctor is giving me one year to reduce my weight, and I had to promise to exercise a minimum of 30 minutes 5 days a week. He gave me a long list of foods not to eat, and foods to avoid. Aaarrgh.
Because God is merciful, and knows our needs long before we do, and because he provides generously, I still have my oatmeal, which I have now pulled our and am eating regularly. I eat it Pacific Northwest Style – with blueberries and raspberries, which are also supposed to be good for me.
I found something else in the US that I love, but I can’t find it here – or at least not yet. Have you seen Kashi Pilaf or Kashi breakfast cereal?
I know I promised not to post any food photos while you are fasting, but oatmeal? To me, oatmeal doesn’t even count, it’s like medicine, like who on earth yearns for oatmeal?
Sharks and Underwear
Two things happened yesterday that caught my attention – and I wonder if everyone knows about these things except for me, or if others are also caught by surprise.
First, on the way to go shopping, my good friend told me that shark is no longer available in the fish souks. We don’t eat a lot of shark, but we often buy it to fill in a good bouillabaisse (if you are superstitious and believe there must be seven different fish in your bouillabaisse) or to cook up to feed the feral cats in the neighborhood. Even the heads make a big hit with the local cats. 🙂
“No, a recent religious decision says that shark is ‘haram’, ” she said, as I gaped in disbelief. “Their skin has no scales.”
“But the Kuwaitis eat shrimp!” I responded, “and shrimp are also haram according to some Muslims. Who is going to tell Kuwaitis not to eat shrimp?”
“I don’t make the rules,” she responded. “I am just letting you know. The fishman said that because sharks have no scales and something about the male sexual organ, I don’t know, but now they can’t sell shark anymore.”
She paused, thoughtfully.
“What will the poor people do?” she asked. “Most of the people who buy shark can’t afford anything better.”
Later, our marketing accomplished, our goods safely in cupboards and refrigerators, I read the news. This is from yesterday’s Kuwait Times:
Shops Banned from Displaying Lingerie
Kuwait: The Minister of Commerce and Trade and Minister of State for National Assembly Affairs Ahmad Baqer last week issued decision No. 430/2008 which bans any display of women’s underwear in shop windows or at the front of shops.
It is permissible, however, to display such garments inside outlets.
The decision also banned any unclothed display of mannequins used for modeling underwear in order to protect the moral well being of passersby, with legal penalties to be taken against shops which violate the new regulations.
I’m sorry if this offends you, but it just made me laugh. Even Saudi Arabia, the most traditional of the traditional, allows underwear to be displayed. Even Qatar, more conservative than Kuwait, allows underwear to be displayed. Some of my very favorite images are those of abaya’d, veiled, ladies looking at a particularly luscious set of fabulous under-garments.
Changes are occurring in Kuwait, small changes, incremental changes, and little by little, as they aggregate, the face of Kuwait is changing.
Brutal Ramadan
Yesterday was the first day of Ramadan. As I headed out early to the markets, it was a breeze. It was hot, but not too bad. Schools are later during Ramadan, so the roads were clear. It wasn’t too bad, not until around 10 a.m. when I started getting thirsty and reached for a bottle of water, which, fortunately, was not there, or I might have taken a swig without a second thought, just out of habit.
“Oh my good sweet Lord,” I thought to myself, “how are these people going to make it through the day?”
I knew all I needed was to get home, and behind my closed doors, in the privacy of my own home, I could sip to my heart’s content.
But what about my brothers and sisters, fasting in this heat? To make it worse, high humidity set in, when you walk out your door, your sunglasses steam. It is so hot that the car’s air conditioning finally cools you down just about as you are arriving at your destination. Heat, humidity, heavy traffic and fasting – what a test of spiritual fortitude.
Last year, I discovered late afternoon – around four – was a good time to hit the co-op. I am guessing that it wasn’t the first day of Ramadan when I figured that out – because at 4:00 yesterday, the co-op was full, mostly men with their phones to their ears, men with that harassed look on their faces that says they are feeling desperate as they try to fill the list, buy the things that their wives MUST HAVE to make their first breaking-of-the-fast meal a perfect one.
The lines were long. The aisles were messy, the special displays had been hit and there were cans and soaps and things all over the floor. The bread wasn’t even on the shelves, customers had to dig into the delivery bins to pull out a loaf. All the helpers were up front, helping bag, helping clean up, helping customers tote their loads out to the cars, which were jammed into the parking lot, as other cars trolled, looking for a spot.
For such chaos, it was not noisy. People were subdued, suffering, just trying to get through this purgatorian experience, knowing that the best is yet to come. I saw no yelling, no pushing, none of the behaviors that being hot and hungry and desperate can bring on. People were patient. I respected their commitment.
But one thing caught my eye. Above the cashiers, there are now flat screen tv’s beaming luscious photos of food at all the fasting Moslems. Pancakes, being loaded with honey. Whipped cream loaded onto sweet, tempting fruits. Cakes, pies, rich and gleaming, meats dripping with fats on the grill. I looked around. Most of the customers had their eyes firmly on their baskets, on the ground, anywhere but on those flat screens. How awful, having those images broadcast repeatedly while you are still a good two hours away from breaking your fast!
The parking lot was bearable. There were still people driving a little desperately, looking for spots. Still people squealing their wheels in their eagerness to return home. Still a few horns honking, but not so many as you might think. I was amazed and impressed at the forbearance of the fasting customers.
The image at the top is posted because it looks cool and clear. It can take you to a cooler place, as you endure through the day. I wish you success with your fast.
Ramadan Mubarak!
Welcome, Ramadan!
I looked, early this morning, to see if I could spot that thin thin sliver of a crescent moon. The sky – at 4:45 a.m. was clear and there were twinkling stars, but if there was a thin crescent moon, I couldn’t find it.
Wishing you all, my brothers and sisters, a blessed month of contemplation and spiritual enhancement, of family time and time for reading the Qur’an, of sacrifice and joy.
Ramadan Sunrise
Still jet lagging, but not so badly. I can sleep from ten at night until almost 5 in the morning, now, and actually, I kind of like it. I really like being able to use the pool all by myself, no ooglers, everyone asleep, just me and the pool. And then, oh, I really really like watching the sun rise.
This morning, the pre-sunrise was glorious, too:

You know me, I have this thing about the sun reflecting on clouds. In the Pacific Northwest, that happens best at sunset, but here in Kuwait, I have my sunrises. 🙂 This morning’s sunrise, to welcome Ramadan, was sheer beauty:
The weather is cooling more at night – it is only 84°F/ 29°C at 6:30 this morning, but . . . the forecast is for a brutal 118°F / 48°C today, for the first day of Ramadan. Good day for a mid-day nap, if you have that luxury.
May Ramadan be generous to you.
Ramadan for Non Muslims
I am repeating this post from September 13, 2007 because it found so much interest among my non-Muslim friends. We are all so ignorant of one another’s customs, why we do what we do and why we believe what we believe. There is a blessing that comes with learning more about one another – that blessing, for me, is that when I learn about other, my own life is illuminated.

(I didn’t take this photo; it is from TourEgypt.net. If you want to see an astonishing variety of Ramadan lanterns/ fanous, Google “Image Ramadan lanterns” and you will find pages of them! I didn’t want to lift someone else’s photo from Flicker or Picasa (although people do that to me all the time!) but the variety is amazing.)
Ramadan will start soon; it means that the very thinnest of crescent moons was sighted by official astronomers, and the lunar month of Ramadan might begin. You might think it odd that people wait, with eager anticipation, for a month of daytime fasting, but the Muslims do – they wait for it eagerly.
A friend explained to me that it is a time of purification, when your prayers and supplications are doubly powerful, and when God takes extra consideration of the good that you do and the intentions of your heart. It is also a time when the devil cannot be present, so if you are tempted, it is coming from your own heart, and you battle against the temptations of your own heart. Forgiveness flows in this month, and blessings, too.
We have similar beliefs – think about it. Our holy people fast when asking a particular boon of God. We try to keep ourselves particularly holy at certain times of the year.
In Muslim countries, the state supports Ramadan, so things are a little different. Schools start later. Offices are open fewer hours. The two most dangerous times of the day are the times when schools dismiss and parents are picking up kids, and just before sunset, as everyone rushes to be home for the breaking of the fast, which occurs as the sun goes down. In olden days, there was a cannon that everyone in the town could hear, that signalled the end of the fast. There may still be a cannon today – in Doha there was, and we could hear it, but if there is a cannon in Kuwait, we are too far away, and can’t hear it.
When the fast is broken, traditionally after the evening prayer, you take two or three dates, and water or special milk drink, a meal which helps restore normal blood sugar levels and takes the edge off the fast. Shortly, you will eat a larger meal, full of special dishes eaten only during Ramadan. Families visit one another, and you will see maids carrying covered dishes to sisters houses and friends houses – everyone makes a lot of food, and shares it with one another. When we lived in Tunisia, we would get a food delivery maybe once a week – it is a holy thing to share, especially with the poor and we always wondered if we were being shared with as neighbors, or shared with as poor people! I always tried to watch what they particularly liked when they would visit me, so I could sent plates to their houses during Ramadan.
Just before the sun comes up, there is another meal, Suhoor, and for that meal, people usually eat something that will stick to your ribs, and drink extra water, because you will not eat again until the sun goes down. People who can, usually go back to bed after the Suhoor meal and morning prayers. People who can, sleep a lot during the day, during Ramadan. Especially as Ramadan moves into the hotter months, the fasting, especially from water, becomes a heavier responsibility.
And because it is a Muslim state, and to avoid burdening our brothers and sisters who are fasting, even non-Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, touching someone of the opposite sex in public, even your own husband (not having sex in the daytime is also a part of fasting), smoking is forbidden, and if you are in a car accident and you might be at fault, the person might say “I am fasting, I am fasting” which means they cannot argue with you because they are trying to maintain a purity of soul. Even chewing gum is an offense. And these offenses are punishable by a heavy fine – nearly $400 – or a stay in the local jail.
Because I am not Muslim, there may be other things of which I am not aware, and my local readers are welcome to help fill in here. As for me, I find it not such a burden; I like that there is a whole month with a focus on God. You get used to NOT drinking or eating in public during the day, it’s not that difficult. The traffic just before (sunset) Ftoor can be deadly, but during Ftoor, traffic lightens dramatically (as all the Muslims are breaking their fast) and you can get places very quickly! Stores have special foods, restaurants have special offerings, and the feeling in the air is a lot like Christmas. People are joyful!
There were many comments on the original post, and, as usual in the history of Here There and Everywhere, the commenters taught us all more about Ramadan than the original post. If you want to read the original post and comments, you can click HERE.
End of August Sunrise
No, no, it’s no trouble at all to be up for the sunrise, in fact, I have been up for hours. Yes, jet lagging. I thought I had dodged that bullet, but when I awoke, feeling GREAT, thinking it was morning, and checked my clock . . . it was only 2:30. 2:30 ay – em.
I’ve got all the laundry done, dishes washed, I’m all unpacked, and I think I am going to need to go back to bed soon.
I was just thinking, for Kuwaitis coming back, there won’t be a jet lag issue – with Ramadan starting almost immediately, nights and days get turned upside down anyway.
My flight in was a hoot – probably 80% families, Kuwaiti and Omani. Most of the kids were between 8 months and 2 1/2 years, but amazingly well behaved. The flight was packed. Packed. Not a single empty seat. I am guessing this was the big influx trying to get back before school starts and Ramadan starts – double whammy.
Fortunately, KLM seemed to have stocked a lot of kid’s meals, they didn’t mind the toddlers in the aisles, and the flight was relatively quiet – astonishingly so, considering all the kids on board. I have never seen a flight with so many children. The Pre-boarding of the families alone took about 45 minutes. Unaccompanied people like me were stuck in here and there where there was an empty seat.
The poor families; many had hoped for an empty seat next to them, and had to hold the babies and toddler the entire flight. There was a baby in my seat when I boarded, but the parents quickly picked her up and we had a good time chatting during our time together; we even all slept when the baby did. The baby coughed and sneezed on my meal, but I don’t seem to be suffering any ill effects. 🙂
I’m happy to be back in Kuwait. I’ve grown to love Ramadan, and I am looking forward with great anticipation to those magical days when the temperatures begin to drop once again and we can spend time outdoors.
Spotting Infections in Your Elderly Parents
I am printing this entire article because few of you will be reading the Military Officers Association of America newsletter, and this is one of the best articles I have seen on the subject. It is SO easy to dismiss a parent’s complaints as just being a normal part of aging – and it is important to catch these things early.
Role Reversal — How to Spot Infections
2008/08/22 00:00:00
By Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan
The next time your parent complains of feeling “out of sorts” or gives you a vague list of minor problems, don’t dismiss it as normal grumpiness. There’s a good chance your parent could have an infection.
Diagnosing the elderly with an infection can be difficult. Seniors are less likely to have classic symptoms such as fever, chills, and vomiting. Instead they might have atypical symptoms such as subnormal temperature, confusion, fatigue, and decreased appetite. In many cases, these subtle signs can be attributed to the normal aging process — or ignored until the late stages of the infection.
Let’s take a brief look at how the infection process works. When the human body is under stress or exposed to bacteria and viruses, it triggers a healing chain of events that, in most cases, results in the prevention of infection or illness. However, when the amount of bacteria is too great an infection occurs. At that point, the immune system kicks in doubly hard, releasing a flood of chemicals to attack the infection and promote recovery.
Seniors are more susceptible to infection because multiple chronic illnesses that occur with age put extra stress on the body, and the medications for these conditions can block the immune system. In addition, the immune system naturally weakens as we grow older.
The most common sites for infections in older adults are the urinary tract, the respiratory tract, and the skin. It also is common for seniors to develop an infection prior to an acute deterioration of their chronic medical condition or in combination with other acute medical problems. A typical example is the person with congestive heart failure who develops pneumonia. The symptoms of cough, congestion, and shortness of breath are similar and might occur simultaneously, or the onset of pneumonia might precipitate an acute attack of congestive heart failure.
So how do you know if your parent is developing an infection? Look for:
an acute change in his or her ability to perform day to day activities;
subnormal temperature;
increased pulse rate;
unexplained dehydration;
confusion;
poor appetite; and
fatigue with increased aches and pains.
For specific infections you might want to look for the following signs:
Respiratory infections
Cough
Increased mucus
Abdominal pain
Headache
Chest pain
Generalized weakness
Loss of appetite
Urinary infection
New onset of incontinence
Pain with urination
More frequent urination
Flank pain
Weakness
Blood in the urine
Skin infection
Redness
Warmth
Pain or tenderness
If you note any of these symptoms, due diligence requires a complete medical evaluation to determine the source of the infection and any other acute medical problems.
Why is this so important? The risk of sepsis, an overwhelming infection that enters the bloodstream, is higher in the elderly. The longer these types of symptoms go untreated, the more likely the bacteria will find its way into the bloodstream.
Another concern is the prevalence of antibiotic-resistant infections. The overuse of antibiotics for viral illnesses and the common cold have caused bacteria to mutate and become resistant to antibiotics that once treated most infections. The three super infections that pose a threat are Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), Clostridium difficile (C diff), and Vancomycin-resistant enterocolitis (VRE).
MRSA is diagnosed by obtaining a culture of the body fluid (sputum, urine, blood) where the infection is present. MRSA infections can occur anywhere in the body, and even though treatment with Vancomycin appears successful, a small amount of the bacteria can remain — a phenomenon medical professionals refer to as colonization. The remaining bacteria can cause infections to reoccur at any time.
C diff and VRE both cause diarrhea and are the result of antibiotics killing the normal, beneficial bacteria that reside in the intestinal tract and allowing infection-producing bacteria to proliferate. C diff can occur after the prolonged use of any antibiotic; VRE is specific to the use of Vancomycin. Treatment includes preventing dehydration associated with diarrhea, a bland diet, and bulking agents to decrease the amount of diarrhea, and administration of Flagyl to treat the condition and allow the normal bacteria to return to appropriate levels.
The good news is that most infections are isolated and can be treated with short-term antibiotics. Basic preventative measures — such as assuring that your parents have a pneumonia vaccination, receive the flu vaccine yearly, avoid others with acute infections, and stay well-hydrated — can decrease the likelihood of serious infections.
In addition, keeping the skin well moisturized can prevent skin infections. Dry skin is more likely to crack and tear, providing an opening for bacteria to enter. Urinary tract infections are prevented by good hygiene and adequate fluid intake.
Infection in the elderly is a serious concern, but a few simple measures and a diligent eye are all it takes to keep your parents healthy.
(For more information about infections in the elderly, super infections, and vaccinations go to http://www.health.nih.gov/topics. )
Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan is an adult nurse practitioner and professional consultant. She is a featured speaker at national professional conferences and writes about geriatrics for multiple publications. If you’d like to send Nanette a comment, question, or suggestion for a future column, please e-mail rolereversal@moaa.org.








