New Darwin Awards
From today’s e-mail:
WOW…More chlorine needed in the gene pool!
The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
We’re All Related
We’re all related. My niece, Little Diamond, brought this article to my attention today:
Most Britons descended from male farmers who left Iraq and Syria 10,000 years ago (and were seduced by the local hunter-gatherer women)
Most Britons are direct descendants of farmers who left modern day Iraq and Syria 10,000 years ago, a new study has shown.
After studying the DNA of more than 2,000 men, researchers say they have compelling evidence that four out of five white Europeans can trace their roots to the Near East.
The discovery is shedding light on one of the most important periods of human history – the time when our ancient ancestors abandoned hunting and began to domesticate animals.
You can read the entire fascinating article by clicking HERE
Some people set so much store on pedigree. I bet there are a lot of surprises in our DNA.
Doha, Qatar Opens Wal-Mart
As seen between B and C ring in Najma when I was trying to find the Garden Vegetarian restaurant:
Mac and Cheese Weather
I was visiting my sister, and our children were all very small. It was a cold day, a very very cold, snowy, icy day in Iowa and I told the kids I would make macaroni and cheese like my Mom used to make.
Their eyes got big and round and all day they went around saying “she’s making Macaroni and Cheese like Mom used to make!”
When I finally dished it out – there was utter silence as they stared at the macaroni and cheese – made from real macaroni and REAL CHEESE in a real, home made sauce!
They didn’t look delighted. They looked horrified, and like they didn’t want to embarrass me, but something was terribly wrong.
My sister started laughing.
“I think they all expected it to be orange,” she said, and I started laughing too – orange is also what my son grew up on, it was so quick and easy.
Mom’s Mac and Cheese was not a big hit.
But with the semi-chilly weather of January, I found this fabulous recipe for Macaroni and Cheese that sounds like it greatly ups the taste factor. I found it on allrecipes.com, one of my favorite recipe websites and it is called Kicked up Macaroni and Cheese:
Kicked Up Macaroni and Cheese
1 1/2 cups rotelle pasta
4 tablespoons butter, divided
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups whole milk
1 teaspoon dry mustard
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground white pepper
3 teaspoons hot pepper sauce
1 cup shredded pepperjack cheese
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/3 cup dry bread crumbs
2 teaspoons chili powder
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.
In a large saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Whisk in flour and cook, stirring, 1 minute. A little at a time, whisk in milk, mustard, salt, pepper and hot sauce. Bring to a gentle boil, stirring constantly. Boil 1 minute, then remove from heat and whisk in pepperjack, Cheddar and Parmesan until smooth. Stir in cooked pasta and pour into shallow 2 quart baking dish.
Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter. Stir in bread crumbs and chili powder. Sprinkle over macaroni mixture.
Bake in preheated oven 30 minutes. Let stand 10 minutes before serving.
Gotta go now. My tummy started rumbling when I read the recipe!
Today’s e-mail: Why athletes can’t have regular jobs
WHY ATHLETES CAN’T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: ”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: ”He treats us like men.. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ’Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: ”Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
15. These are right in the ballpark with Mike Tyson’s answer to what he will do when he retires…”I guess I’ll just fade into Bolivia .”
German Lingerie Ad: Liaison Dangereuse
A German company finds a fresh new take on selling lingerie; found this on AOL Finance News 🙂 Very clever.
Sexiness for everyone from Glow Berlin on Vimeo.
For Every Husband whose Wife has ever asked . . .
“Does this dress make my butt look big?”
The answer, the ONLY answer, is always “No, honey, you look wonderful, as always.”
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
LLOOLL, Dumb and Dumber in Florida News
I found this hilarious article in The Pensacola News Journal
Bizarre news much the norm in Florida
BRENDAN FARRINGTON • ASSOCIATED PRESS • DECEMBER 30, 2009
TALLAHASSEE — You know you’re living in a weird state when the governor promotes a pay-per-minute sex chat line.
Or when a congressman asks the House speaker to move a day’s worth of votes so he can watch a college football game.
Or when employees at not just one, not two, but three state prisons use stun guns on their kids as part of “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day.”
That’s Florida, once again making people snicker at its dumb criminals, strange animals and all-around oddness.
Gov. Charlie Crist was embarrassed when an on-hold recording he made transposed two numbers for an uninsured child helpline and callers instead were led to “horny” girls willing to talk about anything for just $2.99 a minute.
It wasn’t the only odd moment in politics. Rep. Cliff Stearns asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi to basically shut down Congress early so he and some of the Florida and Oklahoma House guys could go watch their teams in the national championship game. She said no.
Candidates for local offices were also embarrassed in 2009. A Miami Beach mayoral candidate was disqualified from the race after his qualifying check bounced, and a minister running for Belle Glade City Commission was charged with swinging a bat at a woman outside a polling place. He lost the election.
Two 8-year-old Alachua County boys made better use of their baseball bats — they successfully fought off a man armed with a gun who was threatening to kill the mother of one of the boys.
Booze A Factor
Alcohol seems to lead to a lot of Florida’s oddest stories.
Tampa police arrested a man who let his 12-year-old son drive his SUV so he could drink in the passenger seat.
A Marion County man was charged with driving under the influence after crashing a stolen riding lawnmower into a school bus.
A 22-year-old South Florida man climbed aboard a locomotive with a friend and took it seven miles down the tracks for a joy ride. They came up with the idea while heading to a local bar.
A Clearwater man was charged with drunken driving after police pulled him over for driving a car with only three tires.
Pasco County deputies arrested two men they said were fighting over $3 in gas money on the way home from a strip club. The weapons involved: a fish tank and a beer bottle.
In other random stories:
• A Lakeland eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus after farting to make other students laugh and badly stinking up the bus.
• A Melbourne-area woman changed diapers for a man who was faking disabilities. The man, whom she met through Craigslist, paid her $600 a week for the services. It took her three months to figure out he wasn’t disabled.
• The University of Florida’s disaster recovery plan included a section on dealing with zombies.
• DeLand authorities said a man strangled a pet rat after accusing his wife of taking his last cigarette and a Jensen Beach man was arrested after drenching his wife with a hose for smoking in the house.
• A woman sitting on a toilet in a Tampa restroom dropped her gun, which discharged and shot a woman sitting in another stall.
• Bank of America in Tampa refused to cash a check for a man born without arms because he couldn’t provide a thumbprint.
And finally, some readers might recall that a costumed Tigger was acquitted of charges he groped women at Disney World a few years ago. This year a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at the same theme park.
Ahh, Florida, a whole new way of thinking . . . LLOOLLL!
I am dying laughing, what a way to end an old year and start a new one. I hope your celebrations are full of laughter and you keep your sense of humor through the coming New Year. 🙂
Ritz Carlton Doha Christmas Tree Disappearing Act
I love the Ritz at Christmas time. They decorate so beautifully, and I especially love the huge, tall Christmas tree in the main lobby as you enter – it’s always a great spot for photos with friends and family, before brunch or after afternoon tea.
But when we went to the Ritz for brunch on Friday, Qatar National Day, the tree had disappeared! I guess it was too incongruous to have a huge, gorgeous Christmas tree inserted in all the special activities of Qatar National Day.
Here is what the tree looked like, LLLOOOOLLLLL!
Ya Gotta Love the Qatar Press
OK, bear with me. I am picky about language. I dance with joy to see that the Qatar press no longer uses “flay” on a daily basis; it is a strong word, a word that literally means ‘to skin’, and it was often used when one team triumphed over another, like Arsenal Flays Manchester, or some such, even if the victory was just points.
“No! No!” I would shake my head in horror, “please stop! Use some restraint! Choose the right word!”
But when it comes to rain, the press vocabulary seems stunted, and once again, predictably, we were treated to a ‘lashing’.
Think about it. It’s a strong word. What does lashing rain look like?
A lashing rain is blowing in bursts, coming at you sometimes at almost a 90° angle, an umbrella is useless. A lashing rain can hurt your face, it hits so hard, a lashing rain is heavily wind blown. A lashing rain has FORCE behind it.
What we had in Doha was a steady, drenching rain. At no time did it exceed an angle of maybe 15%; almost 100% of the time the rain came steadily down. Maybe it streamed. Maybe it soaked. Maybe it even flooded. But lashing? No. No. It was never lashing. There was no great wind behind it, no great force. It gently, steadily dripped. It accumulated. It never never lashed.
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