Today’s Jargon Watch
Jargon Watch: Satellite Sheik, Spitterati, Locasexual
Jonathon Keats
Today, 07:00 AM
(From Wired News Feed
Satellite Sheik n. A televangelist for Islam. These media-savvy religious leaders broadcast moderate Muslim beliefs on satellite TV and social networks, appealing to Arabs alienated by traditional imams.
Spitterati n. Celebrities who attend posh soirees organized to collect saliva for genetic sequencing. Power players like Rupert Murdoch and Harvey Weinstein have hosted spit parties to provide convenient venues for dispensing the requisite half teaspoon of drool.
Sea Grape n. Pet name for the newly discovered Gromia sphaerica. This grape-sized relative of the giant amoeba leaves an animal-like trail as it rolls itself along the seabed. It may be responsible for tracks in Precambrian fossils that were previously attributed to more complex organisms.
Locasexual n. An environmentalist who applies locavore logic to affection and, on principle, will date only locally. Refusing long-distance attachments and coolly calculating “sex miles,” this carbon-conscious canoodler makes love as romantic as a spreadsheet.
“I Look Deep Inside . . .”
We were at one of those official dinners, and, as is my habit, I found someone even more shy than I am and started asking questions. It’s an old trick; it gets me through the most endless affair. She turned out to be very smart, very witty and entertaining, this Nigerian woman, so elegant, so well-mannered. We were having a great conversation.
“So what do you do in Kuwait?” I asked, almost yawning, I was so ashamed of myself for asking such a boring, common question.
She paused, looking at me like she was measuring me.
“I look deep within people, and I tell them things about themselves they never knew,” she responded.
“Oh no!” I thought to myself, “is she some kind of fortune-teller?” (Fortune tellers are strictly forbidden in my religion.) I’m usually pretty good with the old poker-face, but my eyes probably shifted, looking quickly for a polite exit.
She watched me, her eyes twinkling, grinning like a fisherman with a live one on the hook.
“I’m a radiologist,” she added, and we both cracked up. She really had me: baited me, caught me, hooked me good, and then did the old catch-and-release.
Diwaniyya Where No Candidates are Welcome
LOL, he is making his point in such a gentle and delightful way!
Staff Writer
From today’s Al Watan
KUWAIT: Kuwait”s newspapers have been covering the opinions of various former MPs and candidates about the elections and their programs, but the real news and discussions are available in one Kuwait”s oldest traditions, the diwaniya.
Diwaniyas are frequently targeted by political hopefuls to discuss various issues of concern. However, not Bu Hamad”s diwaniya, a retired Kuwaiti customs official who worked at the Salmi and Abdali ports.
Bu Hamid says that that politics is no longer a concern of his after so much disappointment, so it is little wonder that in his own diwaniya in Bayan, Bu Hamid has a large poster clearly saying” “Welcome honorable guests and apologies for not receiving any candidates. May God bless Kuwait. Bu Hamid”s Diwaniya.”
One cannot ignore the sign and equally not be intrigued by its curious message.
Asked about the reasons behind his ban of candidates, Bu Hamid said that in the previous election he discussed an issue of traffic safety near his home, which many candidates promised to sort out.
“I had previously asked candidates who became MPs later to set up speed bumps and traffic lights in front of my diwaniya which overlooks the highway in Bayan, which is notorious for traffic accidents.
“None had carried out their promise after they became MPs. They were only seeking their own interests and the interests of their close circle,” he explained.
“They are good for nothing. They are good for nothing,” he declared.
Bu Hamid expressed his amazement at the MPs whom he has voted for since the 1960’s that continually failed to meet the public’s demands. He is now “fed up with them and their tactics,” adding that when candidates need the voters they are available, “but the minute they become MPs they hardly recognize voters or even bother to meet them, as if they don”t remember them.”
He therefore decided to keep away from candidates and their campaigns.
“I will not cast my vote. I will never vote for any candidate. I have been casting my vote since 1960 and I have seen nothing from them.”
Last updated on Monday 6/4/2009
Drama Queens of the Economic Downfall
Thanks, KitKat, for a hilarious look at the economic downturn. Cats are such drama queens!
“I’m Not Cool Enough to be a Mac Person”
LOL. Found this on the Seattle Time’s Website.
Finally, found it on youTube. This is Microsoft’s swipe against the PC vs Mac commercials, released yesterday.
Groaners!
Oh! You’re going to love these! Thank you, Doha friend, for sending these. π AdventureMan and Daggero are going to love them!
GROANERS
1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you
100,000 dinars for it.” But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King
protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When
you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think
I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just
have to be a little patient.”
4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5) Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made watch cases, they used
them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often
ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have
absolutely nothing to go on.”
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken
Leif off my census.”
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
Diary of a Six Day Bahama Cruise
In yesterday’s e-mail, thank you old friend!
Diary of a Six Day Bahamas Cruise
DEAR DIARY … DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX-
My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice !!!!
Just to be perfectly clear – this is a JOKE! It is not me, Intlxpatr, that went on the cruise. It is a joke!
Word Lovers: New LOLs from the Washington Post
Thank you, KitKat, for your always great contributions:
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and itβs like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an a$$hole.
In Xanadu: A Quest by William Dalrymple
This book was on my (huge) “Read Me” stack, and I picked it up for a change of pace. As I started reading, I wondered “how did this get there?” My first instinct was it was a recommendation from Little Diamond. As I was reading, however, I came across a segment that was what our priest had read in church around the Feast of the Epiphany about the birthplace of the wise men who came seeking the Christ Child after his birth. I wrote down the title and ordered it from amazon.com (which has some copies used from 72 cents).
William Dalrymple wrote this book when he was a mere 22 years old. He and a travelling companion took off to trace Marco Polo’s journey from Jerusalem to Xanadu, where he was taking oil from the sanctuary lamp to Kubla Khan.
In a world where we have all been taught to be so careful, they take incredible risks. They travel on the cheap – staying in fleabag hotels, sometimes sleeping “rough”, i.e. out in the open. They travel any way they can – an occasional train, but more often a truck, a bus, whatever is going their way. One very long segment they travelled on top of a pile of coal.
They travel from Jerusalem up through Syria and into Turkey, then turn east and cross Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan to China. They have some amazing adventures, see some astounding scenery and because of their mode of travel, have a lot of time to talk with their travelling companions or people in the cities where they are staying.
I am blown away that an unmarried couple would cross Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan. I guess they told people they were married to share a room (they were on a budget) and they were only friends, not a couple, but what a risk. I am astonished that they were never asked to produce a marriage license or any proof of marriage when they stayed in hotels. I am astonished at the girls (one left in Lahore and another joined him, but these are girls who are friends, not anything more) would travel on the backs of trucks full of men, and never blink an eye.
The book is occasionally hilarious. Most of the hilarity results from foods they have to eat – sometimes it is the only food available – or from misunderstandings because of lack of a common language, or due to their frequent bouts of diarrhea, what I really liked about the author was that he was rarely pompous, and when he is funny, it is usually about some conversation he has had, or some mistake he has made.
One of my favorite parts of the book happens in Iran:
As we sat waiting for the bus to Tabriz, the next town on Marco Polo’s itinerary, we watched the mullahs speeding past in their sporty Renault 5s. Iran was proving far more complex than we had expected. A religious revolution in the twentieth century was a unique occurence, resulting in the first theocracy since the fall of the Dalai Lama in Tibet. Yet this revolution took place not in a poor banana republic, but in the richest and most sophisticated country in Asia. A group of clerics was trying to graft a mediaeval system of government and a pre-medieval way of thinking upon a country with a prosperous modern economy and a large and highly educated middle class. The posters in the bus station seemed to embody these contradictions. A frieze over the back wall of the shelter spoke out, in the name of Allah, against littering. On another wall two monumental pictures of the Ayatollah were capped with the inscriptions in both Persian and English:
BEING HYGENIC IS DIRECTLY RELATED ON THE MAN’S PERSONALITY
and:
ALLAH COMMANDS THE RE-USE OF RENEWABLE RESOURCES.
We had expected anything of the Ayatollah. But hardly that he would turn out to be an enthusiastic ecologist.
The challenge of this journey is to follow as closely as possible the path Marco Polo took, but two segments of the journey go through off-limits areas. They find a way into one, to discover later it is an atomic testing area, and the second, at the very end, around Xanadu, they find receptive Chinese officers who take them to have a brief glimpse of the ruins of Xanadu while booting them out of the area. As they stand in Xanadu, they repeat a poem that every American child grows up with in English Literature:
In Zanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of gertile ground
With walls and twoers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills.
Where blossom’d many an incense-bearing tree:
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
(Coleridge)
I liked this book. Dalrymple is a history major, and often quotes from historical – even obscure – texts to illuminate what he observes. I think I may look at a couple more he has written since.
Masks: Quote from AWAD
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)
Interesting thought, especially to those of us who are hiding behind a mask of anonymity. What do you think? Are we more free to tell the truth when we blog anonymously? Do we tell the truth? Or does anonymity encourage us to stretch the truth? embellish the truth? strain the truth?
Hmmmmmmm. What do you think?
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Early Voting in Florida
Here There and Everywhere 