Best Mother’s Day Story
In honor of the upcoming American Mother’s Day (I don’t know why we have it on a different day from the rest of the world) a friend sent this hysterical story, which I am sharing with you.
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently
died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on
him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long
on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years
old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing
it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my
chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put
it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around
and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse
my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a
mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor
me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and
I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the
corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack’s . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my
eyes and said “chapped.” Now if you have a cat, you know that he is
right–their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t
seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it
was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever because it reminds
us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using
your chapstick on the cat’s butt.
The Truth about Angels
A friend sent me this piece in the morning e-mail. I hadn’t seen it before, and I loved it. Hope you do, too.
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5
Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I
forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9
It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to
heaven, then there’s still the flight training to go through. And
then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do
something else.
Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for
science.
Henry, 8
Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from holy cows.
Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The
basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And
when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.
Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth,
an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your
pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very
good carpenter.
Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t
go for it.
Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start
on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and
pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the
kid get over it.
Vicki, 8
What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7
(Image courtesy fotosearch.
Another Adventure in Arabic
Pressed for time and more than a little desperate, I ran a quick brush through my tangled hair and threw on something that would pass for modest and made a run for the local co-op, desperately hoping they would have what I needed and I would not have to make a much longer trip to the Sultan Center.
Making a quick check in all the obvious places, I don’t see it. I NEED for it to be there, so I make a careful and methodical sweep, analyzing for anything that might be what I am looking for. No such luck.
Three co-op workers are in the aisle where I am looking, so one asks if they might help me. And I am betting they don’t speak English. I can figure out how to ask for almost all of it, and I grab a can and figure out a work-around.
“Ana ashuf al sukre al . . . “(and I point to a word on the can.)
“Aaaaahhhhh!” Beams one man. “BOWDER! Bowder sukre!”
Ah yes, of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Bowder sukre.
“Sah!” I agree.
“Aeyyn al bowder sukre?” he asks his co-worker, who steps immediately to the shelf I was just minutely examining, and pulls off a small bag of exactly what I need. The bags are on the shelf piled high, shelf to shelf, with only the bottom ends showing, right next to similar bags of powdered coconut. Next time I will know.
(It looks to me like there is another word for powder, starting with an “m”; anyone want to help me out?)
Humor in the Military
My friend Abdulaziz shares these with you. They had me weak from laughter.
“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal
“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.” – Anon
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies
(And lastly)
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” — U.S.A. Ammo Troop
Adventure Man was always suspicious of a soldier carrying a clipboard. Clipboards always make a person look busy and official, but actually the persons carrying them are usually goofing off.
When the Experts are WRONG
This started my morning with a big grin. A friend sent it to me, and I hope it delights you as it delighted me.
Below is a nice collection of quotes that turned out to be very wrong. Many of the quotes are from very famous and respectable people. Maybe we should stop underestimating ourselves so much?
* “Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
* “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
* “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
* “But what … is it good for?”
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
* “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
* “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
* “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio
in the 1920s.
* “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
* “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
* “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
* “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
* “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
* “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
* “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
* “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And
they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
* “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
* “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.
* “Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
* “The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
* “This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.”
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
* “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
* “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
* “Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”
Dr. Lee DeForest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
* “Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
* “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.”
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
A Lot of Bull
Humor interests me – why do we find some things funny? In the US, we have an entire genre of jokes that have to do with big city/educated/city living people who get taken advantage of by the “ole country boy.” I always find them funny. And, I wonder if these jokes are funny in every culture? Here is one from jokes to go.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his
success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old
man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the
case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I
didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this morning.”
Kuwaiti Customs
As we came in through Kuwaiti Customs, I had a few seconds concern – would the vanilla I had packed among my cosmetics be detected? Would my vanilla be confiscated (it contains a tiny bit of alcohol)? Would my DVD’s be objectionable? Would my books be a problem (in addition to the fact that I can barely lift my suitcase)?
I needn’t have worried. Everyone is so well trained, the bags are loaded on the conveyer belt, into the machine, and gathered on the other side. My husband is chuckling and I ask “what’s so funny?” and he says:
“There’s no one checking the bags.”
And he was right. Bags were going through the screening machine – and there was NO ONE there watching the screen.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In spite of all the NO SMOKING signs in the airport, I smelled like cigarettes when I got home, just from the time waiting in the airport for the bags to arrive. I hate it. One guy waiting for his bags made it a point to blow his smoke in my direction. Pure evil or just bad manners?
And at the exit, pure chaos. Huge police presence – squad cars, lights flashing, lots of police – and they are doing nothing! They are greeting their friends, chatting – but no traffic flow control, and we all know how quickly the airport arrivals and departure areas can gridlock.
Our taxi driver was an older guy, not friendly. He got us home in nine minutes, normally a 20 – 30 minute drive. Ahhhh, Kuwait!
Porn For Women
My son and I were chatting in the Barnes and Noble when he got a weird grin on his face, stood up, and plucked a book from the shelf opposite where we were sitting.
Porn for Women was the title, and the book is authored and published by the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative and Susan Anderson (Paperback – Mar 1, 2007)
Here is the cover – for all my women friends – isn’t that a total turn on???
I flipped through the book – available through Amazon.com for $11.01, but could you get it through Kuwaiti customs with a title like that? – and found this second shot that nearly made me swoon . . .
Women are SO clever! And no one knows better than women what turns women on!
Adventure Man’s Blog
“If I had a blog, I’d blog about this!” Adventure Man gasped as I held my hand over my mouth in shock.
That is, between whoops of laughter.
Adventure Man asked me if we were going to be on the flight out of Kuwait on which we had been booked. I had just talked with the KLM office in Dubai, seeking a little wasta, and I had been graciously but firmly turned down.
“We’re forked” I said, using a very vulgar word instead of ‘fork.’
“I thought you gave up saying any of those words for Lent?” he hooted.
“No, my goal was no swearing on the roads!” I countered.
And he just gave me that long look that said it all. It said “hypocrite.” It said “I think you’re missing an important point.” It said “bad words are bad words no matter where you use them.”
Adventure Man can get a lot of meaning into one long look. We’ve been married for a long time. He gets the same look from me now and then, the long look.
He had me; he was right, I was wrong.
I started snickering. He started hooting. I laughed out loud. He laughed louder. Soon I was writhing on the floor and he was gasping for breath. It’s good to laugh like that every now and then.
And he’s right. It’s not just on the road. Bad language is bad language and I want to clean up the entire act. I am really really glad Adventure Man doesn’t have his own blog.
The Important Messenger
In most ways, my husband, Adventure Man, is a very kind man. He is a big-picture kind of guy. Most of us attend to the details, but he is good at seeing how to get from A to Z, even when everyone else is saying it isn’t possible. I love that about him – most of the time he can see possibilities.
He is VERY unkind about my Arabic.
For example, I would be telling him how we learned such and such in Arabic, and he will interrupt me and correct my pronunciation.
So I would go back to my teacher and say “Adventure Man says we are supposed to say it like this!” and she would laugh and say “oh those Lebanese men say it that way but we Qatteris say it like this.”
So when he would correct me, not being as submissive as I ought to be, I would say “Oh you Lebanese men say it like that” (but he is not Lebanese) “but we Qatteri’s say it like this.” (I am not Qatteri) and I could make him fall out of his chair laughing.
But he really hurt my feelings. I was telling him about my problems on the road and how this “important man” who must have been in a big hurry was driving so rudely and he started laughing at me which totally annoyed me.
“What is so funny?” I demanded.
“I think you mean ‘rajul muuhim'” he gasped out, between spasms of laughter.
“That’s exactly what I meant and that is what I said!”
“No, you keep talking about some rude ‘important messenger'” he croaked, and rolled over on the floor because he is laughing so hard he can’t stand up.
Razool sounds a lot like rajool to me . . .
Adventure Man is SO rude. He thinks he is so rajul muhim!
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