In Honor of the Instruction Challenged
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) —
‘Do not turn upside down.’
On Sainsbury’s peanuts —
‘Warning: contains nuts.’
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —
‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.’
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding —
‘Product will be hot after heating.’
(…and you thought????…)
On a Sears hairdryer —
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos —
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap —
‘Directions: Use like regular soap.’
On some Swanson frozen dinners —
‘Serving suggestion: Defrost.’
On packaging for a Rowenta iron —
‘Do not iron clothes on body.’
On Nytol Sleep Aid —
‘Warning: May cause drowsiness.’
On most brands of Christmas lights —
‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’
On a Japanese food processor —
‘Not to be used for the other use.’
On an American Airlines packet of nuts —
‘Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.’
On a child’s Superman costume —
‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw —
‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’
****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****
How One Church Handles Cell Phone Interruptions
LLLOOOOOLLLLLLL! A church with a sense of humor! Thank you, Kit Kat!
FBI Sending Me a LOT of Money! Or Arresting Me?
Would the real FBI blind-copy me on something of this nature? Would they have sent it from an e-mail address that looks like this:
Fb.Info FbteamC@carrot.ocn.ne.jp
LLLLOOOOLLLLLLLLL! I needed a good laugh for today.
Special Agent in Charge
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Intelligence Field Unit
El Paso Federal Justice Center
660 South Mesa Hills Drive
El Paso, TX 79912 USA
URGENT ATTENTION
I am special agent Mark A. Morgan, from the Intelligence Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). We just intercepted/confiscated one (1) Trunk Box at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport Texas. We are on the verge of moving this consignment to the bureau headquarters. However, we scanned the said box and found out that it contained a total of USD$10.5M. Investigation carried out on the Diplomat who accompanied this box into the United States, revealed that he was to make the delivery of the fund to your residence, as these fund are entitled to you, been Contract/Inheritance over due payments. The funds were from the office of the Dr. (Mrs.) Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala Minister of Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Furthermore, after cross checking all the information we found in the box backing you up as the beneficiary of the funds, it became known to us that one of the documents is missing. This document is very important and until we get the document, the box will be temporarily confiscated pending when you will provide it. The much needed document is the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Delivery Certificate (DISDC). This document will protect you from going against the US Patriot Act Section 314a and Section 314b. This delivery will be tagged A Diplomatic Transit Payment (D.T.P) once you get the document.
You are therefore required to get back to me on this email (officefdagnt@gmail.com) within 72 hours so that I will guide you on how to get the much needed document. Failure to comply with this directive may lead to the permanent confiscation of the funds and possible arrest. We may also get the Financial Action Task Force on Money Laundering (FATF) involved if do not follow our instructions. You are also advised not to get in contact with any Bank in Africa, Europe or any other institution, as your fund are here now in the United States of America.
Agent Mark A. Morgan
Special Agent in Charge
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Intelligence Field Unit
El Paso Federal Justice Center
660 South Mesa Hills Drive
El Paso, TX 79912 USA
Email:officefdagnt@gmail.com
Confidentiality Notice: This communication and its attachments may contain non-public, confidential or legally privileged information. The unlawful interception, use or disclosure of such information is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, or have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete all copies of this communication and attachments without reading or saving them.
PARAPROSDOKIANS
PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hearr them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case
of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
17. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
18. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
20. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and
call whatever you hit the target.(Sounds like a work strategy)
22. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
And my favorite that I’m “resembling” more & more……
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting
harder and harder for me to find one now.
LOL Olympics Commentary on NBC
Thank you, MomCat, but I am not sure – is this for real, or did someone spend too much time making these up?
And on a lighter side.
This and That
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?
“Baba, You Are A Terrible Driver!”
Our tiny terror, the Happy Toddler, is at that developmental stage where he says “No” even if it is something he wants to do, he says he doesn’t like things he loves and he is just compelled to be contrary. It is exasperating, and it is also hilarious.
Yesterday he dropped his favorite train as he and AdventureMan were on the long bridge en route back to the beach, and yelled for “Baba” to help him with his train.
“I can’t stop now; we’re on a bridge!” AdventureMan explained.
“I want a red light! I want a red light!” the Screeching Toddler shouted, knowing that red lights mean stop, and that a stop would mean his Baba might reach the train and return it to him.
“We’re on a bridge! There are no red lights!” AdventureMan explained again.
“Baba, you are a terrible driver!” Angry Toddler said.
When they finally reached a red light and AdventureMan rescued the train and restored it to the Terrible Two and a Half Toddler, everything was right again.
“Am I still a terrible driver?” AdventureMan asked him.
“No Baba, you are a GOOD driver!” the Happy Toddler grinned.
One Man Woman
Thank you, Hayfa, this is hilarious:
Laugh and Live Longer?
Found this fascinating article today in AOL News/HuffPost.
Do those who laugh the most live the longest?
Possibly so, according to a new study in the journal Aging.
Researchers from Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Yeshiva University found that people who possess certain personality traits based in genetics may live longer lives — particularly those who are optimistic, laugh a lot and are easygoing.
The study was based on an analysis of 243 people with an average age of 97.6. These people were part of a bigger study, called the Longevity Genes Project at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, which examines 500 Ashkenazi Jews ages 95 and older (Ashkenazi Jews are genetically homogenous, researchers said), as well as 700 of their offspring.
“When I started working with centenarians, I thought we’d find that they survived so long in part because they were mean and ornery,” study researcher Dr. Nir Barzilai, M.D., director of Einstein’s Institute for Aging Research, said in a statement.
“But when we assessed the personalities of these 243 centenarians, we found qualities that clearly reflect a positive attitude towards life,” he said. “Most were outgoing, optimistic and easygoing. They considered laughter an important part of life and had a large social network. They expressed emotions openly rather than bottling them up.”
The researchers also found that the study participants scored lower on tests for neurotic personality and scored higher on tests for conscientiousness, compared with comparable scores for the U.S. population.
Last year, a study in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences showed that older people who are happy have a 35 percent lower risk of dying over a five-year period than unhappy people. That study included 3,853 people ages 52 to 79.
“The happiness could be a marker of some other aspect of people’s lives which is particularly important for health,” study researcher Andrew Steptoe, a professor at University College, London, told The Telegraph. “For example, happiness is quite strongly linked to good social relationships, and maybe it is things like that that are accounting for the link between happiness and health.”
“Diesel’s in Time Out”
“Where’s Diesel?” AdventureMan asked our Happy Little Boy, who is now talking up a storm and we are loving every minute of it.
“Oh, Diesel’s in Time-Out,” Happy Little Boy replies, as he continues to roll one of the locomotives around the wooden track. Sometimes he likes to set it up on the table, and have the trains drive off the edge. “Accident!” he crows!
“Why is Diesel in Time-Out? What did he do?” AdventureMan asks.
“Diesel hit Thomas!”
“And Diesel hit Percy!” (big eyes popping out of head!)
“AND Diesel hit Mr. ToppemHat! He had to go to Time-Out!”
He is learning so much, and we love hearing what is going on in his life. We are so glad to live so near, and to be able to be a part of his life.
Maria’s Mermaid
We like Maria’s; we like the variety of seafoods they carry, and we like that the fish is fresh. We often see the fishermen parked with their boats next to Maria’s, hauling out this morning’s catch.
AdventureMan runs into Maria for tonight’s dinner and I notice their mermaid. I think the artist must have had a lot of fun painting this Mermaid, who is not your Starbucks Mermaid:
And doesn’t strike you as sad that this perky little mermaid would be offering up her half-brothers and half-sisters for eating?
Maria’s Fresh Seafood Market
621 East Cervantes Street Pensacola, FL 32501
(850) 432-4999
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