Joke for Women
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’
He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’
‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.
‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’ So the
parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for
fifteen dollars?’ they said.
‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy. I don’t know her name –
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.’
‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going
on.’ So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband.. (I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off
to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back)
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did.’
(Are women good or what?)
If You Thought the Last Joke Was Bad . . .
This one might qualify as the WORST:
Potatoes…
Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out west in the USA, they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so when she graduated she’d really be in the chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…well he’s just a…
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER !!!
Thank you, KitKat (Really Bad Joke)
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.
‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’
Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy,
and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’
Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a
Prawn again Kristian’
Iranian Joke
Sent to me by my good friend – it’s an Iranian joke:
What’s the difference between the USA and Iran ?
In the USA , they have Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash…
In Iran , we have Ahmadinejad, no wonder, no hope, no cash…
“I Look Deep Inside . . .”
We were at one of those official dinners, and, as is my habit, I found someone even more shy than I am and started asking questions. It’s an old trick; it gets me through the most endless affair. She turned out to be very smart, very witty and entertaining, this Nigerian woman, so elegant, so well-mannered. We were having a great conversation.
“So what do you do in Kuwait?” I asked, almost yawning, I was so ashamed of myself for asking such a boring, common question.
She paused, looking at me like she was measuring me.
“I look deep within people, and I tell them things about themselves they never knew,” she responded.
“Oh no!” I thought to myself, “is she some kind of fortune-teller?” (Fortune tellers are strictly forbidden in my religion.) I’m usually pretty good with the old poker-face, but my eyes probably shifted, looking quickly for a polite exit.
She watched me, her eyes twinkling, grinning like a fisherman with a live one on the hook.
“I’m a radiologist,” she added, and we both cracked up. She really had me: baited me, caught me, hooked me good, and then did the old catch-and-release.
Groaners!
Oh! You’re going to love these! Thank you, Doha friend, for sending these. 🙂 AdventureMan and Daggero are going to love them!
GROANERS
1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you
100,000 dinars for it.” But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King
protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When
you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think
I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just
have to be a little patient.”
4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5) Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made watch cases, they used
them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often
ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have
absolutely nothing to go on.”
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken
Leif off my census.”
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
A Modern Parable
Thank you, Anita!
A MODERN PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here’s something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter’s results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
Diary of a Six Day Bahama Cruise
In yesterday’s e-mail, thank you old friend!
Diary of a Six Day Bahamas Cruise
DEAR DIARY … DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX-
My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice !!!!
Just to be perfectly clear – this is a JOKE! It is not me, Intlxpatr, that went on the cruise. It is a joke!
When AdventureMan Retires
“When we retire,” AdventureMan begins as we are driving down the street, “I want a tree like that in our front yard.”
This isn’t the first time he has said such a thing.
You know, where you live there are rules, and sometimes those rules aren’t written down. If you violate the rules, people say mean things like “they must not be from around here.”
Like in my neighborhood, most of the houses have some grey in their color. It’s the Pacific Northwest. The sky is grey. Sometimes the sea is grey. People get used to grey, and they paint their houses grey, like blue-grey or brown-grey or green-grey, but always some kind of grey in the color. It’s just the way things are done.
Here, sometimes a house is painted very brightly, like egg yolk yellow, not a hint of grey. Bright bright orange, not a hint of grey. At first, it is shocking to the eye, but in six months, the color mellows with the bright sunlight, and fades to a soothing sand-yellow, or sand-orange.
This is what AdventureMan thinks would look great in our front yard:
Or maybe he is just yanking on my chain? 😉
The Most Memorable Present of 2008
You look, and all you see is a candle.
It came with a tag that said “You can burn this candle any time you want.” We laughed until we cried.
When our son was seven, his class took a field trip to a Christmas Market in the German town where we lived. He had saved his money, and bought us Christmas presents there. One present he bought was wonderful – little beeswax candles.
We were delighted. They were beautiful, and they smelled so good! To honor him, we lit one right away.
Big mistake. When he walked into the room, his smiling face turned to utter horror!
“What are you doing??” he cried!
“We are burning your Christmas candle!” we said, proudly.
“No! No! You are not supposed to burn it!” he said, his eyes big and sorrowful! (Bad Mommy! Bad Daddy!)
We quickly snuffed the candle, and saved it, using it only for decoration for many years. I probably still have it, with our Christmas boxes, in storage.
We told this story when we were all together for Thanksgiving, and we all had a good laugh. The laugh was even better when we got this candle, with its note, telling us we could burn it any time we wanted. 🙂
Recent Comments
Catherine on Donna Leon Crossing Cultu… intlxpatr on Ignoring the Law thani on Ignoring the Law Anon. on British Soldier Kidnapped, Esc… Reeva Mills on Cahors to Bordeaux, Preparing… Wikipedia Donate Button
Amazina
Early Voting in Florida
Here There and Everywhere 