Election Joke: Today, You Voted
A good friend sent this non-partisan joke just in time for election day:
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
A truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems
There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
You see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do Is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you Can choose
where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the
Senator.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes Down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself In the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse And standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians Who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
Getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar And
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who Has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a Good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
Rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
Is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
Moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
Good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
Choose your eternity.’
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would Never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, Down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a Barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
Putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here And
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and Caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were
campaigning.. .
Today you voted.’
Dick Cheney and Darth Vadar
As I was leaving Barnes and Noble today (they are out of Orphan Pamluk’s My Name is Red) I heard this on National Public Radio:
(Actually I found the exact quote on The Huffington Post.)
Vice President Dick Cheney cracked a number of jokes Wednesday night at the Radio & Television Correspondents’ Dinner In Washington D.C. Cheney got some laughs when he told the audience that he had asked his wife, Lynne Cheney, whether the label Darth Vader applied to his personality. According to Cheney, his wife said it “humanizes you.”
Don’t you just love a woman with a great sense of humor?
Grin for Today
I’ve always loved this joke. It is making the rounds again; thank you dear friend for forwarding it to me. 🙂
“The Obedient Wife”
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
“Wait just a moment!”
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
“Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”
Obama Magazine Cover Controversy
This is the New Yorker magazine cover that is causing so much controversy in the USA – it shows a newly elected Obama showing up to work in the oval office (US President’s office) in Islamic dress and trading congratulatory fists with his terrorist dressed wife. Obama and his election campaign group find it distinctly unfunny.
Daily Grin
Thanks to a good e-mail friend for this Sunday morning joke:
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning — cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five — double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food. Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Yousef’s Blonde Joke
If you think my blonde jokes are funny, you’ve got to see Yousef’s Blonde Joke.
Today’s Grin
WordPress keeps hooking me up with blogs I would never otherwise come across. Today, I was connected with 4yoursoul and found this great joke, which I have shamelessly copied to share with you. Please go to 4yoursoul for more gems:
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not the usual caps-lock problem.
“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.
“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
Stalking Purgatory
The blogger Purgatory has recently expressed anxiety about being stalked. (Actually, he sounded very pleased about it.) He had evidence; a note accompanying a cookie (someone knows the way to his heart!).
Purg, trust those feelings. Be very wary. Your stalkers are everywhere:
Election Year Joke #2
Thank you – you know who you are – for starting my day with a laugh-out-loud election year joke:
Â
AÂ cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.Â
The driver, a young man in aArmani suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’ Â
   Â
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, Why not?’Â
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebookcomputer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.Â
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilotthat the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email o n his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Â
Â
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’Â
‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.Â
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Â
  Â
Then Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my ca lf?’Â
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’Â
Â
‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.Â
    Â
‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’ Â
 Â
‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is aÂ
Herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.
Election Year Joke
Lord Have Mercy
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem to concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.
A bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a playboy magazine.
‘I’ll just hide behind the door’, the old preacher said to himself.
‘When he comes home from school this afternoon, ‘I’ll see which object he picks up.
If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
‘Lord have mercy.’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
‘He’s gonna run for Congress.’
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