Sectarianism
IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute….”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…. (takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again,”Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant’. Come here and give yer old man a hug!”
iPhone Obsolete
(From The Onion, and therefore SATIRE)
CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were already working around-the-clock on the touchscreen smartphone’s far-superior replacement. “We looked at [the iPhone’s] innovative user interface, the paradigm-shifting voicemail, the best-in-class mobile browser, and we realized we could make all that seem ridiculously outdated by the time the product becomes available to customers in June,” said Jobs, who described the project as “Apple reinventing the iPhone.” “When the second-generation iPhone comes out this fall, we want iPhone users to feel not just jealous, but downright foolish for owning such laughably primitive technology.” Jobs also hinted that the second iPhone device would not be compatible with existing Mac computers, third-party peripherals, or any future Apple products.
FEMA Calls Rebuilding Complete As New Orleans Restored To Former Squalor
This is from The Onion. Remember friends, The Onion is SATIRE. Please note the last line, and weep.
NEW ORLEANS—After an unprecedented 18-month cleanup and repair effort supervised by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and several state and local government bureaus, Undersecretary for Federal Emergency Management R. David Paulison announced Monday that the city of New Orleans has been successfully returned to its pre–Hurricane Katrina state of decay and deterioration.
“Our job here is done,” said Paulison, who was joined by Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco in a ceremony along the banks of the Industrial Canal. “Our beloved Big Easy has its soul back. The downtown shops are open and in full violation of code, the nightlife is alive with the sound of violence, and the streets are once again safe for poverty and vice.”
The $41 billion restoration of the city’s hallmark abandoned buildings, shacks, vacant lots, and standing trash piles was among the most complex and painstaking ever undertaken. Starting just four weeks after the August 2005 hurricane, workers recovered millions of pieces of flood-damaged debris, cleaned them of sediments and chemicals, and then replaced them where they were originally found.
The work, however, did not proceed without controversy, often grinding to a halt as preservationists quarreled in court over which sections of rot, toxic chemical compounds, PCBs, bacteria, and pathogens predated Katrina.
Despite the bitter disputes, Blanco declared the restoration project an “unqualified success,” and invited the estimated 200,000 New Orleanians who still reside outside the city to return.
“We’ve done our best to ensure the city is as well off as it was before Katrina hit,” Blanco said. “It’s all back—the same abandoned cars, the broken bottles, the spent shotgun shells, the rat colonies, even the used diapers on the front lawns. People of New Orleans, welcome home.”
The most impressive progress was made in the Ninth Ward, the lowest-lying and most devastated section of New Orleans. Due to severe water and mold damage, the difficult decision was made to gut or tear down a majority of the neighborhood’s houses, then laboriously reconstruct them to their previous dilapidated condition seven feet below sea level. Many returning residents, including custodial worker and father of four Stanley Gibson, 41, expressed shock at the success of the rebuilding efforts, saying he “never dreamed in a million years [he] would be going back to that place.”
“Before the storm, I lived paycheck to paycheck in a run-down two-bedroom house,” Gibson said. “I never thought I’d see that house again, but here it is—same sagging roof, compromised foundation and everything. Someone even found my car and put a quarter of a tank of gas back in it.”
As part of the citywide restoration efforts, downtown medical facilities that flooded during Katrina, such as Charity Hospital, were drained, repaired, and meticulously under-funded based on past financial records and other historical evidence. Hospital officials said the facility could be ill-prepared for overcrowding by uninsured and indigent patients as early as next week.
Public schools were fully reopened last Monday after being stocked with outdated textbooks and refurbished chairs for every student to share.
Even New Orleans’ world-famous French Quarter was given a much-needed boost, with the flood-related detritus covering Bourbon Street cleared and replaced with discarded plastic beads, vomit, and used condoms.
“It’s like nothing has changed,” said Covenant House director Michelle Beauchamp, whose organization received FEMA funds to rebuild and reopen a homeless shelter. “The workers rebuilt all 25 rooms exactly as small as they used to be, and soon we’ll be ready to serve New Orleans’ 10,000 homeless men, women, and children again.”
Residents noted that the same attention to detail could be seen in the levees and floodwalls, which were restored by the Army Corps of Engineers to their “classic” pre-Katrina condition.
Despite FEMA’s official declaration of completion, not all facets of New Orleans squalor have been restored. City officials say the return of New Orleans citizens is essential to the survival of the city’s crumbling economy and renowned 25 percent poverty rate. And in a sharp and historically inaccurate contrast, federal aid continues to flow into the city, preservationists say.
After several years of bureaucratic restructuring and appointee shuffling, FEMA assured New Orleans residents that it, too, has regained its former level of quality.
“If another hurricane hits New Orleans, we will be just as prepared to help as we were before Katrina,” Paulison said.
Bush Commits One Additional Troop to Afghanistan
Remember The Onion? (dying laughing) Remember, folks, The Onion is purely satire, not true, just screamingly funny.
WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to display his administration’s willingness to fight on all fronts in the War on Terror, President Bush said at a press conference Monday that American ground forces in Afghanistan will be aided by the immediate deployment of Marine Pfc. Tim Ekenberg of Camp Lejeune, NC.
“I want the American people to know that I have not forgotten that our battle for freedom began in Afghanistan, rooting out the extremists of al-Qaeda and the Taliban,” Bush said. “Today, I am ordering the deployment of the 325th Marine Expeditionary Brigade, Private Tim Ekenberg, to the embattled Kandahar region.”
“We will take whatever measures necessary to win,” Bush added. “Isn’t that right, Tim?”
Ekenberg is scheduled to arrive in Afghanistan on Friday. His duties include providing full military support for the still-tenuous democratic government, resolving potential conflicts between rival warlords, gathering intelligence for his superiors, delivering humanitarian relief to millions of Afghan citizens displaced by factional warfare, and maintaining a high level of personal physical fitness.
Ekenberg’s most vital assignment, however, will be to patrol approximately 1,200 square miles of volatile territory on the Afghan–Pakistani border and conduct search-and-destroy missions on the estimated 40,000 caves where U.S. intelligence sources believe Osama bin Laden and his al-Qaeda operatives could be hiding.
The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, 2nd Lt. Jon Pinard, said that Ekenberg will be a valuable addition to his existing military assets.
“Our Marines are the best-equipped and best-trained in the world, and I have it on good authority that Tim is an especially well-trained Marine,” Pinard said. “We have requested that he receive full logistical support while deployed in this theater. We’ve been told that his body armor will be arriving within six months of his reporting for duty, budget permitting.”
“We welcome the 325th and have plenty of work for him over here,” he added.
The troop surge also seemed to boost morale among the thousands of servicemen and -women already on the ground in Afghanistan, who said they hoped Ekenberg would relieve some of the psychological pressures of being outnumbered by unknown and unidentifiable combatants in a foreign land far from home.
“I can’t tell you how great it will be to have someone riding with me in the APC,” said Lance Cpl. Amy Patterson, the 117th Light Armored Division, referring to her M113 armored personnel carrier. “We were beginning to think America had forgotten about us. I’m glad to see I was wrong.”
While reception of Bush’s announcement was generally positive, a small number of Republicans accused the president of shifting much-needed funding away from active forces in Iraq, particularly the 11,000-member 212th Army Communications and Dietary Services Brigade, now stationed outside Tikrit.
Some prominent Democrats have expressed cautious support of Ekenberg’s deployment. Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) applauded the Bush administration for “at least meeting [our] demands 1/20,000th of the way.”
“This is where we should have been sending troops all along,” Clinton said. “It’s a promising sign that the president is finally willing to unleash on Afghanistan the full force and military might of the United States Marine Corps Private Tim Ekenberg.”
Although the 325th is forbidden from disclosing specific details of the upcoming assignment, his father spoke to reporters from the brigade’s childhood home in North Carolina shortly after Bush’s announcement.
“Even if you disagree with our commander in chief, I ask that your prayers go out to Tim and that we continue to remember the sacrifices that are being made out there,” Dean Ekenberg said. “Please, support our troop.”
Training Joke #2
(Sometimes the setting changes, but the end is always the same.)
Two best buddies were camping in Alaska. Lifetime friends, they set aside a long weekend every year to hike in the wilderness.
On the last night, a bear breaks into the camp and is working his way into the tent. One man starts putting on his shoes, while the other shouts “There’s no time to put on shoes, you can’t outrun a bear!”
His friend looks at him and says “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you.”
Training Joke #1
How does a diplomat say “bull$hit?”
“Fantastic!”
There must be 100 variations:
That’s amazing!
What a great story!
You’re kidding!
And the least subtle:
“What are your sources?”
Add your own variations in the comment section.
Farewell Old Year
I’m ready for a new year. I’ve read your blogs, I can see that most of you are ready too, we are all ready for a new start, new hope, a better tomorrow.
2006 was a full year for us – a move to Kuwait, our son’s wedding to a wonderful young woman, and several trips back to take care of family business. My husband and I looked at each other and laughed – this year we haemmoraged money. We thank God we had the money we needed when we needed it, but the sheer volume of it, going out, stuns us. We hope this will be a better year, a more stable year, as we squirrel around, hiding our nuts for the winter of old age.
By the grace of God, my Mom is doing well, and thank all of you who have expressed concerns for her. She is grieving, she misses him so much, but none of us would choose for him to suffer one more minute on this earth when he could be in a better place. She spends her time right now surrounded by family and friends. We know she is going to have some bad moments, but she is amazingly resilient, and we see all sorts of signs that she will do well, once the grief abates.
Here is a photo of the photo I told you about earlier in the blog – Dad holding me up so I almost look like I am sitting on the mountain. Those old black and white photos were SO crisp; they enlarged without any serious loss of resolution.
I tell my friends this set the pace for my life of thrill seeking behavior . . .(just kidding, folks)
I wish you all a great day, tieing up loose ends, and a wonderful new year.
When Women Tell Lies
It’s an old joke, but it gave me a grin first thing in the morning – and that is a GOOD joke. Please, don’t be offended. God/The Lord appears in jokes in our culture frequently; it is not considered disrespectful.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set
with pearls.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
“No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. “Is this
your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are
you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the seamstress .
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with
Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my
husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord,
I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all
three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney. And so the
Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Men on Choosing a Wife: Pure Fluff
My husband hates what he calls “male bashing jokes.” I read this one to him this morning, and he snickered, so I guess it is safe to share with you. If you are very sensitive, however, skip to the next blog – I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be m ore attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
(There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.)
Recent Comments
Cathy on No Grown-Ups in Charge intlxpatr on Waiting for Snow intlxpatr on Waiting for Snow Abou Tabblouleh on t… on Waiting for Snow Abou Tabbouleh on in… on Waiting for Snow Wikipedia Donate Button
Amazina
Early Voting in Florida
Here There and Everywhere 