Bullying and 19 Minutes; Jodi Picoult
When my blogging friend Chirp makes a recommendation, I have learned to order the book and read it. She reads books that make you think! The latest book is Jodi Picoult’s 19 Minutes, a book about a kid who is sensitive and kind and funny, and plays by the rules – he is good at sharing, and listening and all the things we try to teach our children to be good at.
He gets bullied. From the time he starts school, he is bullied physically and mentally and emotionally. He does the right thing – he reports it. The schools do nothing, or so little that it only makes things worse for him. Pushed too far, one day snaps, he goes ballistic. He walks into the school and shoots 19 of his classmates.
One problem is access to weapons. Literally, physically teenagers have not yet developed the judgement areas of the brain. I am guessing in males it takes even longer, and I only guess that because of all the traffic fatalities and physical damage adolescent boys inflict upon themselves – and their victims. Maybe it is that fatal combination of poor judgement and testosterone that pushes them too far. Access to weapons – guns, knives, fast cars – makes them even more lethal.
Before I wrote this review, however, I had to do a lot of thinking. This book is about bullying, and even as adults we come across bullies. Our household helpers are terrified of the police – those who are here to protect us. The police use their position to try to bully phone numbers out of pretty Kuwaiti girls, and to exact sexual favors from the Asian domestics. Not all police are bullies, but if a person has that tendency, the position allows him/her to use that power wrongly.
And bullying doesn’t stop with graduation from high school. We are seeing the same kinds of behavior at universities – Virginia Tech – and in the workplace – “going postal” and GMAC just to name two. People who are bullied sometimes turn, they go out in a blaze of glory.
I’ve been bullied. People who are raised to have good manners are often victims of those who are willing to overstep the boundaries. We make excuses for them – we say they are oblivious. I am beginning to think that many a bully is NOT oblivious, but has learned to push to get his or her own way.
With men, the bullying is more physical, and it’s all about jockying for position – number one in the pecking order, the next promotion, the boss’s golf partner, etc. If you think women are gossips – you oughta hear the men! When I hear men “bantering” it’s all about who’s got the “biggest.” Or maybe, the devil whispers in my ear, it’s about who can make you THINK his is the biggest.
With women, in my experience, most of the bullies are physically bigger. They are women who – literally – throw their weight around. They are women who will interrupt anyone and override their suggestion with a loud voice. They are women who have temper tantrums, and hurt feelings, who go from person to person forming alliances that dissolve with the next disagreement. That’s the sad truth – a bully wants his or her own way – all the time. Once you go against them, you have to watch your back.
Picoult has done her homework. Bullies are often likeable enough people! A bully carries his/own burden, however – and that is a desperate need for popularity. You can see this in animal behavior; once a creature has achieved dominance, it takes enormous energy to maintain that position, so much energy that the rest of your life shrinks as your focus must be on maintaining dominance.
The UK, Canada, and the US all have websites about bullying, trying to put a stop to it in the schools. What do they define as bullying?
People calling you names
Making things up to get you into trouble
Hitting, pinching, biting, pushing and shoving
Taking things away from you
Damaging your belongings
Stealing your money
Taking your friends away from you
Posting insulting messages on the internet or by IM (cyberbullying)
Spreading rumours
Threats and intimidation
Making silent or abusive phone calls
Sending you offensive phone texts
Bullies can also frighten you so that you don’t want to go to school, so that you pretend to be ill to avoid them
What can people with manners do against a bully?
In general, the first thing to do is tell an adult – it doesn’t have to be your parents. Additonal suggestions suggest creating your own support network – create a wide network of friends. Join interest groups, in our out of school.
When our son was bullied in school, he worked hard and earned a black belt in karate, and then went on to earn further degrees, and to teach karate – while still in high school. Just knowing that he had a lethal skill made him walk differently, made the bullies afraid to target him. He went to a magnet school, where there was a high degree of chaos, and he sought out and made friends with the biggest people he could find. He used his head. He made it through. Of all his accomplishments, one of the things that made us most proud of him was his ability to stick it out and to prevail.
I worked in a high school. My office was a safe haven for many kids, kids who found high school dynamics pure hell. Most of them were emotionally years ahead of the crowds roaming the hallways, the cruel kids, for whom high school will probably be the highlight of their lives.
“You’re going to love being an adult,” I would tell them. “Hang in there. For them, this may be as good as it gets, but your life is going to get better and better.”
Geeks don’t always get a lot of respect. The two guys that graduated high school at the bottom of the class with my son already had a flourishing computer networking business going. If you haven’t noticed, most of the people who are making it big financially are people who have learned how to use their heads.
I have learned something else. You can beat a bully at his or her own game. Bullies usually rely on instilling fear in others, but rarely do they do their homework.
Choose your battles. Bullying hurts everyone. If you see someone being bullied and you can do something about it then and there, stand up for the person being bullied. All you have to do is say “that’s not funny, just stop.” Many times bullies are so shocked at being challenged, they will stop! If your judgement tells you it would be unsafe to say anything, quickly tell an adult, a supervisor, a manager, what you have seen.
If a bully is trying to push through something you believe is wrong, you can quietly discuss things one on one with others, and make a plan. You can call for a vote! You can quietly stand up to a bully. You can tell a bully “it’s my turn to talk” and they have to shut up! (When you do this, you have to be very careful to listen when the bully is speaking so that everyone knows it really IS your turn to talk.) You can use a little gentle humor – bullies usually only like humor when it is aimed at someone else. They haven’t a clue what to do when it is aimed at them!
If it is annoying, but not something worth fighting over, let the bully get his or her own way. They usually end up shooting themselves in the foot, self-destructing. The adult bully ends up driving people away, and then wondering why he/she has no friends?
Living your own life well is your best revenge!
Thank you, Chirp, for another book that really made me think!
April Fool’s Sunrise
No, there is no trick. It is only an April Fool’s sunrise because of the date – April 1st – and because it was never clear whether the sun would really appear or not, with the thick clouds. I’ll take clouds over that haze of pollution any day. Or it may be that the clouds are obscuring the haze of pollution, which seems to be a daily occurence, so I won’t rule it out. I can’t SEE it, however, so I have no evidence of it being there, and I will be a great big April fool and tell myself if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.
At 0700 the temperature is 75°F / 24°C and there are thick fluffy clouds that – I wish – look like they could turn into rain clouds.
More Minarets
Twice in the last year, I have seen new mosques, or mosques undergoing renovation, like this one, stop, the first new minarets torn down and newer, longer, thinner minarets go up. Literally about twice the size of what went up originally. This is the end result of the Fehaheel mosque along Gulf Road – actually, I find these minarets very elegant.
In Qatar, we used to go looking for the older, state-built mosques. Most of them, the little area mosques (there is supposed to be a mosque within a five minute walk for every person) are still working mosques in Qatar. In old Kuwait city, they recently renovated some minarets that I see in very old photos of Kuwait.
Gulf Royal City Center: Where Did it Go?
We hadn’t been to the Gulf Royal at City Center for a while, and since Chinese is my favorite “fast” food, we headed there this week-end. It’s gone.
You can see where it used to be – straight ahead was the take out window, and to the left there was a garish Chinese-style entrance, and all across the back there was red and gilt decoration, genuine cheesy, but we liked the food.
All the signs are still up in the window, but the inside is gutted.
“Maybe they are just remodeling?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t think so,” said AdventureMan, “Usually they would put up a sign saying ‘New improved Gulf Royal re-opening SOON!” and there was nothing like that in sight.
He is betting they have opened up somewhere else, maybe they weren’t getting the dinner traffic they used to get. Does anyone know? I know there are a couple others, like one in Hawally and one in Fehaheel, and several in the mall food courts . . . maybe the sit-downs aren’t making enough money?
Sunrise Concern
When I see that distinct band of darkness just above the horizon, it makes me really nervous. It is surrounded by a sulpherous haze, and that may be just what it is, sulpher, used in processing oil. I can’t help but think it is not good for us to be breathing this.
It looks like it will be another sweet day, at 0730 it is 73°F / 23°C and the high today is supposed to be only 95°F / 35°C. If it is anything like yesterday, and it doesn’t touch 90°, I will be happy. If there is a sweet sea scented breeze, I will be even happier.
I am celebrating; I have a day at home today and I have so many things planned! I hope to get so much done! I love my days at home!
Saturday Sunrise
Wooo Hooo, the sky has normal clouds, the haze does not appear dusty, and Weather Underground: Kuwait says it isn’t supposed to go above 98°F / 37°C today or in the next five days – a spell of cooler weather! Thursday it hit 106° F – not untypical of summer, but March??
Ordered to Learn English
This is from BBC News: Americas. If I were living in the USA, I might think that is a good thing. Living here in Kuwait, speaking some Arabic, pretty laughably, I shudder to think what could happen here. . .. guess I’ll have to stay out of the Kuwait courts, insh’allah.
Judge orders men to learn English
A judge in the US state of Pennsylvania has ordered three Spanish-speaking men to learn English or go to jail.
The trio, who pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit robbery, were told they could remain on parole if they studied English and got full-time jobs.
Judge Peter Olszewski said the unusual sentence was supposed to help the men. They will serve their full jail terms if they fail an English test in a year.
Lawyers for the three said they had not yet decided whether they would appeal.
You can read the rest of the news article HERE.
So I am curious. If you are Kuwaiti, what do you think about the fact that about 50% of your population (the not Kuwaiti part) doesn’t speak Arabic, the native tongue in Kuwait.
If you are an expat, if you had to learn Arabic, would you continue to work here?
Dust Storm Headache
It’s early Friday morning, WeatherUnderground Kuwait says it is overcast, but I have that dust storm headache and almost-wheeze that tells me this is more than just an overcast. There is something in the air that I am not meant to be breathing.
Although I live in a very modern building, which would appear sealed, little drifts of sand come in through creaks. I can feel a draft in the kitchen, my curtains are dingy with dust that has seeped through crevices in window openings.
It isn’t easy to show someone what living in the middle of a dust storm is like, but I am trying.
Here is the sunrise this morning at 0600:
An hour later, at 0700, it is 77°F / 25°C, and the particles in the air are magnifying the sun so that it looks like this:
These are unretouched photos, straight out of the camera. The day is mostly a bright yellow-grey.
Hot Dust Storm
106°F / 42°C and Hot and DUSTY. This is what it looks like at 3:30 PM:
The photo is not altered in any way. The orangey-yellow color is the real color of the sky. Totally weird. Big huge rolling waves coming in, good weekend to go shelling!
Home Schooling Muslims in America
The New York Times has this fascinating article:
LODI, Calif. — Like dozens of other Pakistani-American girls here, Hajra Bibi stopped attending the local public school when she reached puberty, and began studying at home.
Her family wanted her to clean and cook for her male relatives, and had also worried that other American children would mock both her Muslim religion and her traditional clothes.
“Some men don’t like it when you wear American clothes — they don’t think it is a good thing for girls,” said Miss Bibi, 17, now studying at the 12th-grade level in this agricultural center some 70 miles east of San Francisco. “You have to be respectable.”
Across the United States, Muslims who find that a public school education clashes with their religious or cultural traditions have turned to home schooling. That choice is intended partly as a way to build a solid Muslim identity away from the prejudices that their children, boys and girls alike, can face in schoolyards. But in some cases, as in Ms. Bibi’s, the intent is also to isolate their adolescent and teenage daughters from the corrupting influences that they see in much of American life.
About 40 percent of the Pakistani and other Southeast Asian girls of high school age who are enrolled in the district here are home-schooled, though broader statistics on the number of Muslim children being home-schooled, and how well they do academically, are elusive. Even estimates on the number of all American children being taught at home swing broadly, from one million to two million.
No matter what the faith, parents who make the choice are often inspired by a belief that public schools are havens for social ills like drugs and that they can do better with their children at home.
“I don’t want the behavior,” said Aya Ismael, a Muslim mother home-schooling four children near San Jose. “Little girls are walking around dressing like hoochies, cursing and swearing and showing disrespect toward their elders. In Islam we believe in respect and dignity and honor.”
Still, the subject of home schooling is a contentious one in various Muslim communities, with opponents arguing that Muslim children are better off staying in the system and, if need be, fighting for their rights.
Robina Asghar, a Muslim who does social work in Stockton, Calif., says the fact that her son was repeatedly branded a “terrorist” in school hallways sharpened his interest in civil rights and inspired a dream to become a lawyer. He now attends a Catholic high school.
“My son had a hard time in school, but every time something happened it was a learning moment for him,” Mrs. Asghar said. “He learned how to cope. A lot of people were discriminated against in this country, but the only thing that brings change is education.”
Many parents, however, would rather their children learn in a less difficult environment, and opt to keep them home.
You can read the rest of the article HERE
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