Surprising Secrets to Happiness
Received this in an e-mail this morning from Bottom Line, a service we have subscribed to for many years because they report some of the newest findings in concise and readable articles:
Surprising Secrets from the World’s Happiest People
Dan Buettner
We’ve all heard that “wealth doesn’t buy happiness.” Neither, it turns out, does social status, youth or beauty.
Social scientists have collected tens of millions of data points that help identify what truly makes people happy. Genetics and life circumstances can influence happiness, but personal choices account for about 55% of it. That means we all have more control over our happiness than we may realize.
National Geographic author and explorer Dan Buettner spent five years talking to people in areas identified by researchers as the world leaders in happiness—Denmark’s Jutland Peninsula… Singapore…Nuevo León, Mexico … and the town of San Luis Obispo in California.
In his new book, Thrive, he identified the main characteristics of what he calls thrivers, people who consistently report the highest levels of well-being. Here, secrets from the world’s happiest people…
Own one TV, no more. Americans spend more than four hours a day, on average, in front of the television. This is time that they’re not spending with other people, including their families. (Family time in front of the television is not the same as real interaction.)
In the places where happiness is highest, people spend the least time watching television. It’s not that they never watch—they just watch less than most people.
I advise people to own no more than one television—and to keep it in an out-of-the-way place, such as the basement. You still can watch your favorite programs, but watching will become a deliberate activity, not something you just do automatically.
Create a “flow room.” In Danish society, most families have an area in the house where everyone naturally congregates. I call these rooms “flow rooms” because they’re places where time seems to flow away when people are engaged and enjoying one another’s company. Flow rooms have no screens (TVs or computers) and no clocks. They are quiet environments where it’s easy to engage in meaningful activities with family.
In our house, I chose a room with good lighting and the best views—it’s comfortable, and everyone in the family wants to be there. I keep it stocked with good books, musical instruments and the best family games.
There’s nothing formal about our gatherings. People wander in and out. Because it’s so pleasant, we spend a lot more time there than in front of the TV or separated in different parts of the house.
Experience the “sun bonus.” By most standard measures, people in Mexico should be less happy than those in other countries. About 60% of the population is poor. Education and health care are less than optimal. Yet on the happiness scale, Mexico ranks high.
This is partly due to the “sun bonus.” People in sunnier climates are consistently happier than those who live in northern countries.
Those of us who live in colder, less sunny climates still can take advantage of the sunny days we do have by getting out and enjoying the sun. The vitamin D that is produced in the body from sun exposure is sometimes called the “happiness vitamin” because it increases brain levels of serotonin, the same neurotransmitter that is increased by some anti-depressant medications.
Stop shopping. The satisfaction that we get from buying things—an expensive watch, a new suit, a fancy car—wears off within 14 months. Yet in the US, we’re pressured by the media and social expectations to always want more. In order to get it, we have to work longer hours and take fewer vacations, which generally reduces happiness.
In Denmark, regulations limit the number of hours that shops can be open. In Mexico, most of the inhabitants are not running a status race with their neighbors.
For more happiness, take the money that you could spend on nonessential items and spend it on something that lasts. For example, take a vacation with your family or sign up for a painting class. The experiences and good memories will continue to give satisfaction for the rest of your life.
Employ yourself. Self-employed workers and business owners report some of the highest levels of well-being. It may be because they are more likely to pursue work that they love or simply because they feel more in control.
The happiness zone of San Luis Obispo, California, has far more self-employed people per capita than the average community in the US. These self-employed workers are shop owners, graphic designers, artists, wine-makers and the like. The more autonomy and control you have over your job, the more likely you will be satisfied with your work.
Make new friends. People around the world report higher levels of satisfaction when they spend time with family and friends. Every additional friend that you make (assuming that these friends are upbeat) increases your chances of being happy by 9%.
People who get together with others for at least seven hours a day have the highest levels of happiness. That sounds like a lot, but the time quickly adds up.
For example, everyone eats lunch. Ask a coworker to join you, or sit with a group in a cafeteria. Talk with friends during coffee breaks. After work, encourage the family to eat and socialize together, rather than dispersing to separate rooms. Take classes or join a club.
The Danes don’t identify themselves as being particularly outgoing, yet 19 out of 20 Danish adults belong to clubs dedicated to arts, exercise and hobbies.
Get addicted to this. The happiest people almost always volunteer in some fashion—at their church, with environmental groups, for social-service organizations and the like. Volunteering means spending time with others, and it also takes your mind off your own problems and increases self-worth and pride in your community.
Studies have shown that altruism has an effect on the brain that is similar to that of sugar and cocaine. It creates feelings of well-being, along with an addictive feedback loop that encourages people to keep doing it.
Also, volunteers are healthier. They tend to weigh less than those who don’t volunteer, and they’re even less likely to suffer a heart attack.
Commit to volunteering for a set period of time—say, once a week for four weeks. People are more likely to keep doing it when they make this initial commitment—and then get “hooked” on the rewards.
Keep the faith. Religious people tend to be happier than those without faith. It’s not clear whether religion makes people happy or if happy people tend to be drawn to religious practices. Either way, those who are religious have less disease, live longer and are less likely to engage in dangerous behavior (such as smoking and heavy drinking).
In Mexico, for example, more than 80% of people who were asked, “How important is God in your life?” responded with a 10 on a scale of one to 10, compared with only 58% in the US. This helps explain why people in some parts of Mexico, despite the hardships of daily life, tend to thrive emotionally.
Even if you’re not religious, you can achieve similar benefits by cultivating a sense of spirituality—and a belief in giving back to your community and making the world a better place.
Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Dan Buettner, founder of Blue Zones, an organization that studies the regions of the world where people commonly live active lives past the age of 100. Based in Minneapolis, he is a writer for National Geographic and author of Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way (National Geographic). http://www.BlueZones.com
Episcopal Reading for the Fourth of July
For those in a hurry, in addition to the daily readings in The Lectionary, there is a small booklet, Forward Day by Day, which prints a short reading for each day.
I love the reading for today:
Today’s Meditation
monday, july 4 independence day
Deuteronomy 10:17-21. For the Lord your God is…the great God, mighty and awesome, who is not partial and takes no bribe…and who loves the strangers.
In the reading from Deuteronomy, Moses charges Israel to love the stranger, because the people of Israel were once strangers in Egypt. In Mark, Jesus entreats us to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us because God is not partial. The sun rises on the just and the unjust.
It is easy for us to love friends and people like ourselves. Christians are called to greater challenge: to create a community in which we love the stranger and pray for the one who wants to do us harm.
I remember standing on the Lake Erie shore and reading that during the War of 1812 soldiers died there so that the lake would not belong to the British. The British were the bad guys. A little over a hundred years later, the United States fought two World Wars on the side of Great Britain. The British were good guys. In the intervening years, each country learned to see the other not as evil strangers, but as allies with common interests.
As we give thanks for our country, let us accept the challenge to create a community that includes those who might be our enemies, the people who today don’t seem to be one with us. Our perspective can change.
PRAY for the Diocese of Ottawa (Ontario, Canada)
Ps 145 * 145:1-9; Hebrews 11:8-16; Matthew 5:43-48
Cultural Issues as Qatar races Towards 2022 World Cup
In the same issue of The Peninsula (Qatar), this author addresses cultural sensitivity when it comes to dress, but includes some intriguing mistakes. He (or she) states that all women are required to ‘veil their faces’ in Saudi Arabia, which is untrue. There is no law requiring women to cover their faces. Custom drives many – but not all – Saudi women to cover their faces. Western women are asked to cover their hair and to wear an abaya, and must do so when going off compounds or out of their hotels, but no one is required to cover their face.
The Issue: Is Qatar ready for 2022? Well, the country is all set to launch mega infrastructure projects worth billions of dollars in order to have facilities in place to host the coveted event.
But the key question being asked by many is whether the conservative Qatari society is ready to take in its stride the cultural shock that the preparations for the event and it being actually held here would trigger.
With no less than half-a-million international soccer fans expected to descend on the Qatari soil in 2022, Qatar must build the requisite mindset — and not just physical infrastructure — to be able to absorb the social and cultural tremors such an avalanche of people from different ethnicities and cultures would cause.
Or, will the Qatari society rise in rebellion against the onslaught, especially as Western values and traditions are seen gradually overshadowing local customs and the way people dress up and behave in public?
Already, there is widespread fear in the Qatari community about their identity being diluted due to the sheer size of the expatriate population. Official estimates suggest that out of a total of 1.7 million people living in Qatar, an incredible 1.5 million are foreigners. This means that some 90 percent people in the country are non-Qatari.
Since expatriates come from all over the world (unconfirmed reports suggest there might be people from more than 80 nationalities living here) the threat to Qatari identity and culture is real, say social analysts.
Some, though, argue that since Qatar is a small country with a tiny population, its people must pay the social price for development and prosperity. “Given the situation, you can’t have both—prosperity and identity. You must compromise and choose between the two,” says another social analyst not wanting his name in print.
Concerns in the Qatari community about its age-old culture and identity being compromised due to the ever-rising numerical preponderance of foreigners, are growing.
Rising indebtedness in the community due to limited income and growing consumerism has been relegated to the background as fears deepen over the local customs and folklore falling prey to what seems to be unstoppable intrusion of foreign cultures.
There is immense hostility in the Qatari community towards the way foreigners, especially young women, dress up. Foreign cultures have already reached Qatari homes with children being largely raised by foreign maids.
“Things are still under control since we can influence our children, but we are helpless when it comes to stopping outside influences that are causing damage to our society,” says a Qatari requesting anonymity. “The most harmful outside influences are TV and foreigners living in our midst.”
Objections are raised to young non-Qatari women, particularly Westerners, wearing skirts and sleeveless tops.
A number of Qatari mothers have expressed ire and want the state to intervene and ‘discipline’ young non-Qatari women who dress up ‘indecently’ in public. The mothers say they fear that their daughters might ape such negative behaviour.
There are some Qatari women, though, who see the media (read: foreign TV stations) posing a bigger threat than foreign women wearing skirts and sleeveless tops here in public.
Says Wisam Al Othamn, a lecturer at Qatar University: “It’s necessary to monitor the media, not foreign women.”
There are others, though, who feel that dressing up in public is one’s freedom and choice, so no one should impose restrictions.
Qatari social websites are filled with comments from people talking about threats to their identity. Some have called for setting up a ‘religious police’ to especially monitor young foreign women dressing up ‘indecently’ in public.
The commentators argue that Saudi Arabia has such a police and it is compulsory for every woman, whether local or foreigner, Muslim or non-Muslim, to veil her face in public.
But there are others who laud Qatar for the freedom people have in personal matters such as dressing up in public, and claim that foreigners here dress up decently if comparisons are made with neighbouring countries like Bahrain and Dubai.
There are still others who favour Qatar forcing foreign women to veil their faces while in public. They argue that since countries like France and Belgium have banned Muslim women from using face veils in public, Qatar and other Muslim countries should take counter measures and force all women, whether Muslim or non-Muslim, to cover their faces while moving in public.
An interesting comment on the way Qatari women dress is from a man writing on a local social website. He suggests that there is nothing like Qatari attire for women. Abaya is used by women in Yemen, Iraq and Syria, so it has come here from these countries.
As for naqab or full face and body veil, it did not exist in Qatar until 20 years ago, suggests the man. “So there is nothing called Qatari dress for women,” he says.
There are some who find fault with some schools having co-education and say Qatari girls tend to ape their foreign peers from these schools.
There is ire in sections of the Qatari community over the schools’ regulator, the Supreme Education Council (SEC), giving the freedom to schools on imparting lessons in Qatari history, language (Arabic) and religion.
Writing on social websites, some commentators are critical of the SEC and say that since land, history, language and religion are the four pillars of a society’s cultural identity, the schools must impart lessons in these subjects.
“It’s surprising why the SEC has not made the teaching of these subjects compulsory in schools. It’s a step that would destroy the Qatari identity,” wrote an angered commentator.
About language, the commentator quoted a famous Qatari writer, Dr Mohamed Al Kubaisi, as saying that it is only through their version of English language (different from the British English) that the Americans have built their identity and are dominating the world by popularising it (American English).
Another commentator said he saw the SEC move as a step aimed at diluting the Qatari identity. He even suggests that some teachers are opposing the SEC’s decision individually.
“Go to Germany and France and if you don’t speak the local language you wouldn’t get a response,” the commentator said, hinting that everyone in Qatar must speak the local language, Arabic.
Social analysts believe that Qatar faces a huge challenge over the coming 11 years (during the run-up to the 2022 event) in its struggle to maintain its cultural identity, and much of the onus will be on the Ministry of Awqaf and Islamic Affairs and the Ministry of Interior.
Talk of a dress code being imposed by the Interior Ministry is going on for a while with analysts wondering if at all it would see the light of day. Despite opposition to foreign women dressing up ‘indecently’ in public, there are some in the Qatari community who say they believe a dress code is unwanted and how people dress up in public should better be left to them, respecting their freedom.
There are some in the community, though, who want the government to act and impose a dress code, particularly as the number of foreigners in the country is quite high. Moreover, the fact that the foreigners come from so many nationalities makes it necessary to have some code in place to help protect Islamic values, they argue.
“If not a dress code, it should be accepted in principle by everyone living in the country that one must dress up decently to respect local customs and values,” says a community source.
“It’s normal for a country to have some say in matters like how people, especially women, dress up in public. This will in no way tantamount to curbing individual freedom,” he insists.
Analysts say that the Ministry of Interior introduced the concept of community policing sometime ago with this vision in mind. The entire concept of community policing where the law-enforcement agencies actively coordinate with different expatriate communities as well as civil societies and the locals is based on the idea of how to help protect and preserve Qatari identity and culture in the midst of threats being posed by the swelling population of foreigners in the country.
The focus of the effort (community policing) is on helping preserve basic social and religious values, knowledgeable sources say. Critics, however, maintain that the effort having been launched quite a while ago, is yet to yield results.
Qatar Women Want Dress Code to Maintain Cultural Norms
Every year around this time The Peninsula (Qatar) runs an article reminding other nationalities to respect Qattari values on modesty, and asking women to wear loose clothing, cover arms and shoulders and wear skirts at least to the knees. This year, there are comments about women wearing ‘indecent’ clothing around the hotel swimming pools, and calling for a national dress code with enforcement.
Qatari women lament disregard for norms
By Huda NV
DOHA: Dress code in any country is a very sensitive topic, for, while it protects the rights of many, it may hinder the rights of many others. When France issued ban on Hijab in public places, many Muslims who used the attire had to let it go. Same is the case in Saudi Arabia where all, including non-Muslims have to wear the abaya.
As of now, there is no strict ruling on dress code in Qatar except that it asks for modest dressing in public. The rules are with loose ends, according to some. With the on going development much have changed in dressing over the last 10 years.
Some Qatari women who spoke to The Peninsula said that due to the lack of awareness or mainly due to disregard for local norms, many people flout with the Qatari Penal Code that “prohibits wearing revealing indecent clothing”. Since no action is taken against the violators, rules or laws are being flouted with.
“The law asks one dress decent lyto protect oneself and the society as a whole. We are functioning in a society in various roles and at various levels. We go out, do what we need to do and go home, as other women do. But it pains to see many women bring with them negative influences into the community and dress in a way which is against the discipline of the community,” said Sheikha Al Naimi, a Qatari woman.
“We are not asking them to use hijab or abaya. We just want them to be modest, by which we mean covering the arms and shoulders, wearing skirts at least up to knee length, and wearing loose clothes. We are asking for respect not hindering their personal choices,” said Asma Abdullah.
RIGHTS?
So would not any law or dress code be against personal rights? Then, is not smoking or drinking a personal choice and a law banning these are against the so called rights, ask some.
“There are laws banning smoking and penalties for violating traffic rules, which are issued in public interest and these are strictly followed, for fear of heavy fines on violations. So a dress code is also needed for public security. We all have our own freedom, but in public we need to check the rights of public too. One’s freedom should not hinder other person’s rights and people should realise that rights come along with duties,” said Mariam Al Ali.
However some argued dressing in skimpy clothes is not freedom, but rather lack of self respect. “We would say the western idea of freedom and right is twisted and is not based on truth. For example, when it comes to dressing, the so called right is more or less like what men want to see,” said Tammy, a US expatriate.
“Our policy is you see what we want you to see rather than you decide what you need to see. We choose to whom we show our beauty. It is not for public attention,” one of the Qatari women said
THE WORRIES
One of the key problems, most of the Qatari women who spoke to The Peninsula, was on encroachment on their identity. “We are a minority in our own land; this does not mean we leave our identity. We are trying to pass it over to next generation and all these influences is a threat to our identity as Muslims, Arabs and Qataris,” Al Naimi said.
“All the expats come here for a reason, mainly financial, and hence they need to respect the culture here but now its more on destroying the society,” she laments. “Even in some schools and colleges, teachers dress badly. Even if it’s a girls-only school, it does not mean teachers show their body parts which we ourselves do not show to our children. Wearing translucent dress, shirts which are waist length and short skirts are in no way modest for a teacher,” said Al Ali
PROTECTING IDENTITY
Some Qatari women revealed the measures they take to ensure their children are not influenced by the changes. “My children have gone to the malls or shopping centers only few times. I want them to know what the Qatari identity is. They are not usually taken for shopping here. For their amusement and entertainment, I built a house away from Doha with all the amenities.
“So the question would be how will they learn to live in the society if they are kept isolated? Its just that we do not want these influences at very young age. After they get to know their roots, children will go out and understand the world,” said Asma.
“Earlier, when I was young, we used to go out to the beaches and enjoy as a family. But now we cannot take our children to the beaches as people wear indecent clothing even in public beaches,” said Sara Yousuf.
“Even some of the Qatari media post almost nude pictures, especially when it comes to movies. So we do censoring at home so that our children at young age do not have to distinguish between the right and wrong,” Sara said. “I would love to take my children to hotels here and enjoy time with them in the pool. But how can we do it when many are indecently dressed,” said a Qatari woman.
DRESSING WHEN ABROAD
Even when dress code is debated here, Qataris are much criticised for not abiding to the Qatari customs while abroad. “These are mainly people who are ashamed of their identity. Abaya or hijab is part of culture and our culture is based on Islam, which is same throughout the world. Hence, indecent dressing while abroad tarnishes the whole Qatari community. I have gone abroad, and even recently when I visited Thailand, I was wearing the exact costume – abaya — which I wear here. They should respect laws of other countries when abroad but at the same time try to protect their identity,” said Sara.
“I was educated in the US. I did face few problems but I knew the influences were coming from all directions and made sure I held on to my traditions,” said Asma.
THE CULPRITS
Majority of the Qatari women say that some of the Arab communities themselves are responsible for violating the dress code. “We feel that majority of the westerners and Asians know and understand us and respect the culture. People from sub-continent culturally they have their own modesty which is almost similar to ours. If these people are dressing badly it is because they think ‘if Arabs can do, why not we’,” says Al Ali.
“The sad part is that there are some Arab communities who mock themselves and us wearing skimpy dresses. Also some are so talented that they know how to dress exactly as Qataris and impersonate — they actually tarnish our image. They also talk indecently when faults are pointed out,” said Hessa Al Kuwari.
“Worse is when many dress indecent inside the abaya and pose as Qataris. The very purpose of abaya is to cover, but now it is turning into something that is used for showcasing the body,” Sara said.
SUGGESTIONS
1. Set up a new committee to establish and implement specific regulation with regard to dress code
2. Define exactly what modest dressing means
3. Malls should have individuals to warn people as they have people to keep out bachelors on family days.
4. While issuing visas, embassies should inform people about the dressing. They should also make strict rulings.
5. The existing laws on dresses should be activated by the authorities.
URGENT ACTION
Few of the women say there is an urgent need for a law or enforcement of existent regulations, as the situation is getting worse. “Over last three to four years, we are seeing women wearing very-short shorts in public places. I would ask what next? Will we have to see ladies in bikinis in malls in the next few years? It can happen if there is no enforcement,” said Sara.
“The identity change that we talked is not going to happen today or tomorrow. We will see the effect in some 10 to 20 years — majority of our people will not know what being an Arab or Qatari means. The values what we have will be lost,” Asma said. “We need development, but it should be framed in our identity. It’s not fair to cut our roots and establish on top of us,” she said.
The Peninsula
Businesses Support Police Blue Shepherd Sting
I love it. Operations like this cost money, and Pensacola businesses stepped up to the plate, even though they could not be told what the operation was about. It makes all the difference in the world when a police force has the community support. From today’s Pensacola News Journal:
It takes a village to catch a predator
Written by
Jamie Page
When undercover law enforcement officers slammed accused child sex predators to the ground and arrested them, the police had plenty of backup.
That is, financial backing from at least four local businesses that sponsored the sting operation by providing food, water, paper products and Internet service.
It’s a novel concept, but a necessary one for a budget-intensive operation such as this one, said Pensacola Police Chief Chip Simmons.
“We have had to do what we could to maintain that undercover location, and to do that we had to make it have everything a normal house would have,” Simmons said.
“So, we contacted businesses and they agreed to donate things to the cause. It’s always good to know there are good people and businesses to chip in and help.”
For a month, law enforcement agencies rented a vacant northeast Pensacola home to use as the point of arrest for 25 men during the weeklong undercover Operation Blue Shepherd. Suspects were accused of using the Internet to set up sexual encounters with children.
The suspects came to meet the minors at the home.
“We had to make it look like a living, breathing home with toys, bicycles, mailbox and trash cans outside, and we had to have furniture inside to make the view from the roadway consistent with what an average home would have,” Simmons said.
Many of those things came from police-seized items or were contributed by officers or others for use in the sting.
But the police needed help with other things, such as food and supplies, which were provided by the Apple Market, Dillards, Pensacola Improv Event Center and Cox Communications.
Businesses were not told the nature of the sting, but simply that their contributions would go toward a Pensacola Police Department operation.
“I did not know what they were doing, I just had an officer come to me and ask if I would be willing to provide meals for several people for several days in a row, but I couldn’t talk about it, and I said fine,” said David Apple, owner of Apple Market in Pensacola.
“I just knew I was assisting the Police Department. And anything we can do to assist them, well, we are always eager to support our military and law enforcement any way we can.”
Apple had to sign a confidentiality agreement and could not talk about his catering, which he provided to officers at a rate that allowed him basically to break even.
Apple Market could not deliver the food. Officers would pick it up and take it to the location, which Apple also was not told about.
“The only complaint they had about the food was that everybody gained weight,” Apple said. “It was pretty enormously satisfying to know we helped feed those guys and they were so successful in what they set out to do.”
Representatives from Cox, Dillards and Pensacola Improv could not be reached for comment.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: The Thing Around Your Neck
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has compiled a series of elegant vignettes in her most recent book, The Thing Around Your Neck. I had just read Half of a Yellow Sun, and was still wallowing in stunned admiration, when I heard an interview with the author on BBC, and learned she had written this book, The Thing Around Your Neck.
I loved Half of a Yellow Sun. I loved Purple Hibiscus. I felt I began to understand just a little bit about life in transitional Nigeria, with all the social and political forces blowing to and fro, straining the very fabric of nationhood.
In The Thing Around Your Neck, something else happens. It shares with Cutting for Stone and other books I like the impressions of those who come to live in the USA for the first time.
“Would that the wee wee giftie gi’e us, To see ourselves as others see us . . . ”
I’ve had a lot of experience going to live in foreign countries. One of the things I learned is that most of what I learn the first couple years isn’t much. You learn a lot of things wrong. You filter everything through your own cultural biases; you judge, you interpret, you try to make sense of things that just seem wrong.
I love to watch Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s characters do this in reverse, come to America and make judgements based on their own cultural expectations. I love to see us through these eyes.
Once, many many years ago, we entertained a Nigerian in our home, and when we served dinner, steaks, he looked at his plate and said “This would feed my family for a week.” We kind of laughed. We kind of thought he was exaggerating, or even kidding. We just didn’t know. We had never seen anyone truly hungry, we had always lived in this land of plenty. We had no idea what we didn’t know. We saw only what we knew.
Each story is a gem. Each treats the expat experience, coming here, or the reverse, coming to America and then going back and seeing Nigeria through eyes which have changed.
One story I had read before, in the New Yorker magazine and loved reading again, The Headstrong Historian. It starts with a smart woman, weaving her way among the ways of her people, whose husband’s family wants her husband to take another wife. He doesn’t want to. These two chose each other, and managed to live their lives together as best they could, by their own standards. Her son disappoints her, but her granddaughter – she sees her husband’s brave, courageous spirit in the eyes of her little grand daughter. You’ll have to read the story to find out the rest.
Other stories have to do with newlyweds, with students, with love and marriage and affairs – the full spectrum of human experience, through Nigerian expat eyes. There are settings common from all three books, the college campus at Nsukka, a prison outside of town, small villages outside the city. If you read all her books, you recognize place: “Aha! I’ve been her before, in Purple Hibiscus!” You learn how to bribe the guards so you can bring in food for your imprisoned family member, you learn to keep your eyes down to show respect, you learn how Nigeria smells when the rains come, and how dry and dusty it gets during the harmattan.
I’m just sorry there isn’t another book by this author – yet – that I can read!
I guess these books that I love deal with a theme dear to my heart – that we are culturally blind to so many things, and that as human beings we are more alike than we are different. Short of packing up all our lives and our assumptions and moving to many different countries, the best we can hope for in learning different ways of thinking is for books like these by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, which show us how differently we perceive things, depending on our cultures, and how alike we are in the things that we feel, as human beings.
Jeannette Walls: The Glass Castle
The Glass Castle was a hugely popular best seller in the USA, and it must have been while I was gone. A part of me remembers reading a little bit about it and deciding it wasn’t my kind of book, but after reading Half Broke Horses, I had forgotten what the subject matter was and was excited to have another Jeannette Walls book I could read.
Big mistake. This book is nothing like Half Broke Horses.
Or maybe it is. Maybe what I loved about Half Broke Horses was the voice of an amazing woman, and maybe what kept me reading The Glass Castle is the voice of an amazing child who tells a heart breaking story. Or maybe it isn’t so heartbreaking, because the children survive. They are scarred and damaged, but never so damaged or loony or self-deceived as their parents.
I don’t like reading books about kids whose parents don’t take good care of them. Oprah chose a lot of those books in her book club. These books depress me. I cannot imagine how parents can be so self-absorbed, how they can take on the responsibilities of children and then not put those children first. How can they?
The Glass Castle stars the daughter of Lily Casey Smith, who is the mother of Jeannette Walls, and her husband, who is Jeannette’s father. The book opens with little three year old Jeannette proudly cooking up a hot dog. Her mother is busy painting and has told her to find something to eat. Her nightgown catches fire, and she is terribly burned. She spends a long time in the hospital, which ends with her father taking her out in a hurry, bundling her into the car, already loaded with her family, and “doing the skedaddle” which is leaving town just in front of the bill collectors.
This is her life. From time to time, their alcoholic Dad will take a job and bring home some of the paycheck (he drinks and gambles most of it) and when he won’t work, on rare occasion, their mother will take a teaching job, but the kids have to get her out of bed in the morning, have to grade her papers and make her lesson plans. Often there is not enough for the family to eat. They don’t stay in one place; they ‘skedaddle’ before they are evicted for non-payment of rent. They eat cold food – when they eat – because the parents didn’t pay the electric bill.
The Dad is smart, charming and cajoling, and when he is sober, the kids learn amazing things from him, and educated engineer. Unfortunately, he is not often sober. He chases after alcohol and he chases after women; the people in the towns where they live know it and the children learn to know it, too, to their constant humiliation. When he wheedles money off his kids, and promises to repay, he asks “Have I ever let you down?” The answer is so stunningly obvious as to be heartbreaking – Yes. Yes, again and again and again.
The Mother is equally irresponsible. One time, when the family is starving, she is in bed and occasionally goes under the covers, where Jeannette discovers her mother has a chocolate bar hidden that she can eat – while her children go hungry.
The author’s voice is never self pitying, she just lays it all out and leaves us to draw our own conclusions. Each child escapes the family as soon as possible; the children plan and save their money to get out, first sending off the oldest sister, then Jeannette, then the son. They all head for New York, where they find work and support themselves. Like bad pennies, Mom and Dad show up in New York, cadge meals and money and join the ranks of the homeless in New York, going from food pantry to soup kitchen, and diving dumpsters for their worldly needs.
This is not a feel good novel. The good part about it is that children can survive this kind of criminal neglect, and become a successful author as Jeannette Walls has done. I am so glad I read Half Broke Horses first, because her grandmother is such an admirable character, whereas her parents are scum and I just felt so angry when I read the matter-of-fact descriptions of their behavior that I was glad they were not where I could get my hands on them.
I don’t know any parents as bad as Rose Mary and Rex Walls, but I know I believe this – if you choose to marry, and if you choose to have children, know that children require time, and love, and energy, and patience. Know that if you have grand ambitions, or an addiction, or a character flaw, you won’t be able to provide for your children’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs, unless you are willing to sacrifice your own needs and wants. While the children in the book loved their parents, they recognized that their parents were sadly lacking in the parenting roles. The way these children were neglected will make me remember this book for a long time.
Would I recommend it? Yes. It is a gripping book, at times even horrifyingly humorous, as when Jeannette figures out how to find lunch food in the garbage cans when all the other kids have finished eating. It is not a feel-good book. It is a horrifying indictment of self-absorbed, neglectful parents, parents you will love to hate.
If I sound a little overwrought, it’s because I worked with the homeless. We were able to help many, but I also ran into families like this family, families who would prefer not taking any help if it meant they had to play by the rules, you know, rules like “you have to take care of your children.” We had all kinds of classes and forums and mentors to help with learning skills, like feeding children well on a small budget, learning to discipline, simple skills, survival skills.
The problem is that these skills require self-discipline, and many of the parents would rather not take help than have to exercise self-discipline. I saw women who would sacrifice their children for their current boyfriend, a woman who was severely angry with her daughter for reporting a family member had molested her, a man who didn’t want to take a job that would ‘tie him down’ when his family was starving. I saw this, with my own eyes, and there is no way you can MAKE people take good care of their children. You have to ask if the children are better off with these parents, or ‘in the system.’ Not a pretty choice.
This book, too, is on Amazon.com. Reading it is like watching a disaster on CNN. You don’t want to believe it is happening and you can’t look away.
Listmaker
“Why are you smiling?” AdventureMan asked as he read the Sunday paper on our bed, the ceiling fan whirling madly to cool him down after his post-Church yard work – feeding the birds, shoveling up all the birdseed hulls, putting recycle materials into the compost bin.
I was doing something I do only rarely, changing purses. At the last minute, all in navy, I decided to do the navy purse instead of the tan. Now, back home, I was re-transfering all the important things, and checking pockets for stuff that accumulates and needs to be thrown away.
“I found a list,” I began. “It says:
fruit cake
kick board
book
peanut brittle
photos in frames
calendar
soap”
He laughed. “I know exactly what that was, “he remembered, “my Christmas box.”
More specifically, my tag on the outside of the box reminding me of what was inside when I had to affix a customs tag to send the box to hubby in Kuwait. These days, as I send boxes, I (mostly) no longer have to fiddle with customs tags or leaving the box open until I get to the post office so that customs officers can affirm what I included in the box. Every time I send a box, still, I think of those customs tags and give thanks not to have to do those irksome little steps.
I keep my lists now, in a folder marked, predictably,
-
To Do Lists
This one goes in there. On days when I feel bad about myself, or overwhelmed, I can look at my to-do lists and have a record that my time was not mis-spent. I can see all the little chores and fix-it projects we have finished, all the dinners we have done, house guests we have had . . . These little to-do lists keep track of the little things you do that take up so much time, and then at the end of the year, you ask yourself “where did the time go.” These help me know that I didn’t waste the time, I used the time, a little here, a little there, to bring order out of chaos in our daily existence, to brighten a life, maybe to help others, or to meet a goal I have already forgotten.
Some of the lists, like the moving lists, remind me of God’s gracious hand in helping me to do the things I’ve had to do, and could never have managed without his help. When I read some of them, I almost laugh out loud thinking “I did all that??”
It also reminds me how very happy I am to have AdventureMan back home with me, not far away at Christmas time. 🙂
Did you Tell Him We’re Going Dancing?
I was laughing as I heard AdventureMan talking with his Saudi friend, making a time when they could get together. I knew he had called about tonight.
“Did you tell him we were going dancing?” I laughed as I asked him.
“Uhhh . . . no,” he said.
This is new to us. We are taking dancing lessons, ballroom dancing, at the YMCA. We both had those lessons you take in eighth grade, but we’ve forgotten most of what we learned. I don’t care about going dancing, or fancy dresses, or competitions. I don’t even watch dance stuff on TV; I just don’t care that much. These classes are something we’ve wanted to do for a long time, and it really takes us out of our comfort zones.
We really are having fun. The first lesson – not so much. It is hard work! It doesn’t come naturally, it comes with PRACTICE! Lots of PRACTICE! It’s like fencing lessons, or horseback riding, or karate, or gymnastics – After a while, your body knows what to do, but at the beginning, it can be a little excruciating. As for AdventureMan and I, we mess up a lot, but we laugh a lot too. We are getting better, but best of all we are having a lot of fun. These kinds of things rewire your brains; it may not be easy, but it is good for us.
And I am still laughing, thinking of AdventureMan not telling his friend that he was going dancing with his wife, LOL!
Two Saints of the Church
Here is the prayer given for today in the Lectionary:
PRAYER (traditional language)
Loving God, we offer thanks for the ministries of Edward Thomas Demby and Henry Beard Delany, bishops of thy Church who, though limited by segregation, served faithfully to thy honor and glory. Assist us, we pray, to break through the limitations of our own time, that we may minister in obedience to Jesus Christ; who with thee and the Holy Spirit livest and reignest, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
BISHOPS, 1928, 1957
Delany, Henry Beard [Feb. 5, 1858-April 14, 1928] was the second African American bishop in the Episcopal Church, being elected Suffragan Bishop of North Carolina in 1918. He is probably better known as the father of Sadie and Bessy Delany, authors of the popular book, Having Our Say, which chronicled their lives.
Edward Thomas Demby [Feb. 13, 1869-Oct. 14, 1957] was the first African American bishop in the Episcopal Church. He served his first parish in Mason, Tenn. He became “Suffragan Bishop for Colored Work in Arkansas and the Province of the Southwest” in 1918. His career has been covered in a book, Black Bishop.
As we begin to transition from the Lenten season to the great feast of Easter, my heart takes hope from the courage of those who stood in the face of prejudice and exclusion, and focused on doing their jobs and doing them with grace. I think of how hate blinds us. I think of how Catholics and Protestants slaughtered one another, how Mormons were driven West, how Sunnis and Shiites are clashing in Iraq, how Christians and Moslems are battling to the death, and when I am near to losing hope, I try to focus on how earlier conflicts have almost totally disappeared. We are all believers. We believe in the one true God. We squabble like children over his inheritance.
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