Idiot Awards 2008
I love these; I love these the most because they are true, there are loads and loads of genuine idiots out there. Please, be careful reading these at the office; they are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.
I have a nominee for the Kuwait idiot award. Policeman breaks his leg chasing a drug dealer, who jumped from the second floor balcony. Policeman jumps, too. In the hospital, time passes slowly and policeman and his roommate get to chatting. Policeman asks him how he broke his leg and the guy tells him he was running from a policeman and jumped off a balcony. Policeman had his phone with him and his roommate was cuffed in no time. What are the odds? 🙂
Idiot Number One of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Idiot Number Two of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.
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Idiot Number Three of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left.He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.
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Idiot Number Four of 2008
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy……..
But you still get a sign
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Idiot Number Five of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
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Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign.
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Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here’s your sign.
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Idiot Number Eight of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton
If you missed Saturday Night Live’s spoof of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton (Tina Fey & Amy Poehler), see it now:
Watch it now, before they take it off!
Streets of Gold
Because it is a time to be considering holy things, and because I was sent this in the mail this morning, and because we have been talking about the prophet Job/Ayoub, I will share this morning devotion with you:
Job 22:24-25. Assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you.
A story tells about a rich man who pleaded with God to let him bring into eternity one suitcase full of his most valuable possessions. God finally conceded, and the man packed as much gold as he could into his biggest suitcase. When he arrived at heaven’s gates he was met by St. Peter, who opened the suitcase, curious to see what the man valued most.
“What!” St. Peter was incredulous; “You brought pavement?”
(For my Moslem readers: I don’t know why, it doesn’t say this anywhere in the Bible, except that Peter is given the responsibility for the building of the church and is often shown holding keys – like in the keys to the kingdom. Peter is often pictured in cartoons as the keeper of the gate into Paradise; he is portrayed as an old, bearded man with a long list in front of him, like who is naughty and who is allowed in. I know it might seem strange to you, but this is not considered offensive; it is an affectionate portrayal.)
Dick Cheney and Darth Vadar
As I was leaving Barnes and Noble today (they are out of Orphan Pamluk’s My Name is Red) I heard this on National Public Radio:
(Actually I found the exact quote on The Huffington Post.)
Vice President Dick Cheney cracked a number of jokes Wednesday night at the Radio & Television Correspondents’ Dinner In Washington D.C. Cheney got some laughs when he told the audience that he had asked his wife, Lynne Cheney, whether the label Darth Vader applied to his personality. According to Cheney, his wife said it “humanizes you.”
Don’t you just love a woman with a great sense of humor?
Stat Spike
Blogging keeps me humble. I can write my heart out, and maybe not even get a single comment. I can write a two sentence entry on live Olympic coverage on July 31st, and get no response, and then ten days days later it is driving my stats to new heights – two record days in a row, all because people are looking for live Olympic coverage. No comments, or few. Total hoot.
Qatteri Cat Takes a Bath
“The Qatteri Cat really needs a bath,” I say to my friend as we sip coffee in her living room, “He’s gotten all matted in the heat. The truth is, I’m afraid to bathe him. He has calmed down so much since we got him, but when he gets scared, his primitive brain takes over and he has scratched and bitten me.”
I am thinking particularly of when we first got him. He was scared of me, he didn’t much like women at all. He adored AdventureMan (still does) and slowly, slowly warmed up to me.
He had a house outside, called a “cat containment center.” Go ahead. Laugh. All our friends did, too, but it gave us peace of mind. Qatteri Cat could be outside in the garden, and we knew he was safe. People put out poisoned fish in our neighborhood, to kill stray cats, and we didn’t want that heartbreak.
(This is called the cat penthouse, and it is created by Kittywalk. They have all kinds of things for pets, including, I am not kidding, pet strollers, in case you want to take your cat for a walk, but they don’t walk, they ride. I cannot imagine using one of these pet strollers in Kuwait. . . . or anywhere.)
So Qatteri Cat is out in his cathouse, and I hear an snarling, howling YOWWWWWLLLLL. His friend, Satchmo, from up the street has wandered over to say hello and Qatteri Cat is totally out of control. He is mad, he is running and throwing himself against the walls of the kitty penthouse, and Satchmo – all he wants is to be friends!
I get the trusty squirt bottle and shoo Satchmo away. I talk calmly to Qatteri Cat, calmly, calmly, and I open the door. He tries to rush out and I get him by the scruff of the neck, you know, how they tell you so the cat will go immobile? He can’t scratch and bite if you have him by the scruff, right?
Wrong. Wrong. So very very very wrong.
I still have scars. I got him inside, and gave him a 30 minute time out in the bathroom to calm himself down. When I did that, he totally forgot what had happened and would be fine. Actually, most of the time 5 minutes was enough, but I figured with all that adrenelin going through his system, 30 might be safer.
Fast forward. Bath time.
My sweet friend really knows animals.
“Don’t try it alone, Intlxpatr. That isn’t a job for one person. Get AdventureMan to help you, tell him to hold him by the scruff of the neck! Like his mother. He needs to know you are in control.”
So yesterday, I talked AdventureMan through what we needed to do. I will get everything prepared, and then one of us has to hold the Qatteri Cat and one of us has to soap him, massage him and rinse all the soap out.
AdventureMan chose to hold the cat. I was greatly relieved.
We got him into the bidet (first mistake, QC is a BIG cat) with a towel in the bottom, and when I started pouring the water, QC started howling. We are not talking your everyday miow here, we are talking, as AdventureMan put it, the sound of a cat having surgery without anaesthesia. I was so afraid our neighbors were going to report us for pet torture – because that is what he was howling.
Not only that, but it’s one thing to try to hold a terrified cat by the scruff of the neck (bad enough!) and another thing totally to try to control a terrified, wet, soapy cat. I was scrubbing, pouring, QC was howling, AdventureMan is saying “Hurry up! hurry up! I can’t hold him much longer” and there is water water everywhere. We have the bathroom door closed, so when QC gets out of AdventureMan’s grasp, we quickly capture him again. We are all soaking wet, QC is still soapy, and AM and I are panting and laughing and we need to get this job DONE.
We transfer him to the bathtub and finish the rinsing, and wrap him in a towel. At no time does he stop his shrieking, not until we let go. He is still very very wet, but he won’t let us – or a towel – anywhere near him. Finally, I put a towel in a sunny spot and leave, and when I have been gone a significant amount of time, QC seeks the nice warm towel in a nice warm spot.
I check on him every ten minutes or so. He doesn’t want to see me. Finally, maybe an hour later, he comes in and stretches out on my legs. All is forgiven, if not forgotten.
But here is the really cool thing. As terrified as he was, he didn’t scratch and he didn’t bite. Maybe he might have, if AdventureMan had not held him firmly, but we have held him firmly before and gotten terribly scratched and bitten. I think, as bad as it was. Qatteri Cat trusts us enough to suspect we were not trying to kill him. And his coat is a lot nicer, now, except the holes show where I have been cutting out the lumps.
Vanity Fair Spoofs Obama Cover
Vanity Fair Spoofs New Yorker Cover
From AOL News
(July 23) – Call it the battle, albeit friendly, of political cartoon satire. A little more than a week after The New Yorker magazine caused a commotion with its controversial magazine cover of Barack Obama and his wife, Vanity Fair decided it wouldn’t be outdone.
This week, the magazine published a spoof cover — published only on the Vanity Fair Web site — of John McCain and his wife in a similar pose and in the same Oval Office setting.
But this image may create some of its own controversy. It shows the 71-year-old McCain, often the butt of age jokes, using a walker, and his wife Cindy — who once had a drug problem — cradling an armful of prescription pill bottles. A portrait of President Bush hangs above a fireplace where the Constitution is burning.
Grin for Today
I’ve always loved this joke. It is making the rounds again; thank you dear friend for forwarding it to me. 🙂
“The Obedient Wife”
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
“Wait just a moment!”
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
“Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”
Weight Loss: Fat Burning Beads
I could not believe my eyes. Would you buy these beads? You can read the entire story at BBC Health News.
‘Fat-burning’ bead marketing ends
A company that said its “fat-burning” beads triggered “automatic weight loss” has agreed to stop marketing in the UK.
One claim suggested that Accu-Slim Beads worked “faster than total starvation” by placing one bead behind each ear.
The Office of Fair Trading (OFT) sought assurances from Global DM Licensing, based in Hong Kong, that it would stop mailings being sent to UK consumers.
The OFT says thousands fall victim to claims about weight loss products.
Misleading claims
The company, using the name The AccuSlim Centre, claimed the beads were “fat burning acupuncture without needles, diets, exercise or effort”.
It claimed that users could eat as much as they liked but still lose 30lbs in 30 days, as the bead stimulated acupressure points that led to automatic weight loss.
The company claimed guaranteed results and charged £65 for a package of up to 120 beads.
OOps – I just noticed that they only have to stop marketing these beads in the UK. So if someone approaches you on the streets of Kuwait offering to sell you fat-burning beads (wouldn’t you feel like punching someone who thought you needed fat burning beads?) DON’T BUY THEM! THEY DON’T WORK!
Cat Quotes (Only for Cat People!)
Cat Quotes:
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” –Dave Platt
“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss
on your computer.” –Bruce Graham
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” –Unknown
“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.” –Anonymous
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.” –Jeff Valdez
“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” –English proverb
“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” –Ellen Perry Berkeley
“One cat just leads to another.” –Ernest Hemingway
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you
later.” –Mary Bly
“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”
–Joseph Wood Krutch
“People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.”
–Faith Resnick
“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats.” –Anonymous
“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior.” –Hippolyte Taine
“No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome
me.” –Unknown
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats.” –Albert Schweitzer
“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” –Ernest Menaul
“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” –Colette
“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well.” –Missy Dizick
“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats.” –Colonial American proverb
“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want.” –Joseph Wood Krutch
more cat pictures
“I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.”
“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.”
“Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.
>>^,,^^,,^^,,^^,,^<
Cats don’t like being baptized.
A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.
A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.
Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be
killed.
Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.
Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.
Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of
grocieries.
You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.
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