Signs of the Times
Sent by a good friend, some oldies but goodies, and some new ones. Even though I had seen some before, they still gave me a good grin, and I hope they give you a good grin too.
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
******************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”
*********************** ***
At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
***************** *********
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
******* *******************
At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be. ”
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up.”
*********************** ***
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills”
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
Real Simple
It’s a quiet Friday morning and we have time to loll around before we have to get ready for church. I am focused on writing a tough entry for my blog and Adventure Man is on the couch, paging through a magazine, Real Simple.
He starts reading from an article called “Is he driving you crazy?” which lists the top five complaints of women, and then men:
Women:
He’s not affectionate enough.
He doesn’t listen to me.
He doesn’t help around the house.
He raises his voice when we argue.
He never talks about tough issues.
Men:
She’s trying to control me.
She objects when I need time alone.
We don’t have enough sex.
She criticizes me.
She treats me like an idiot.
The whole article, with all the expert solutions, is available HERE.
Two of them cracked us up.
Her Complaint: He’s not affectionate enough
Expert: Even though your partner loves you, he might express his feelings differently. Generally speaking, “men feel closer when there’s sex. For women to feel affectionate, there has to be talk.”
His complaint: We don’t have enough sex
Expert: The impulse to get romantic declines for most couples but “men are more likely to feel an urge for sex,” says (expert). “Once women get going, they enjoy it but often they don’t have the same initial urge they might have had as teenagers.” So if he’s rushing you to bed, let him know that you’d like to cuddle and talk a bit first . . . If your needs are truly mis-matched, talk about how many “relations” you’ll have in your relationship. Ask “What’s your ideal range of frequency per week? If he says three to five, and you say one to three, then aim for an average of about three times.”
Here is what got us rolling with laughter – my husband is a consumate negotiator. It doesn’t matter what the reality would be, he would up the figure. So like he might say “30 times a week” knowing that half that would be twice a day. It wouldn’t matter that he really doesn’t want sex twice a day, he would have sealed a deal that guaranteed him sex twice a day IF he wanted it.
But he knows my tricks, too, and moments later he is showered, shaved, he smells wonderful AND . . . he is making the bed! He totally knows how to get what he wants.
Spoiler
We were having a big film fest in Pensacola, and five minutes into The Prestige my son asked me if I knew how it was going to end.
This started a long time ago. They think I am amazing. Most of the time, I get it right. Sometimes, with Law and Order, or CSI, there is a twist I hadn’t thought of. I read a lot of mysteries and . . . there is a secret.
Don’t go any further if you like NOT knowing how a show is going to end.
Here is the secret. A movie or a TV show only has a limited amount of time to tell the story. You can figure that most of the information they give you is significant. Like in Law and Order, a lot of times it’s one of the people they originally interview, even if they came off well in the interview. (Those guys have gotten more and more tricky, though, and it gets harder to figure out all the time.) Listen for something that could be a lie.
The Prestige suffered a little from it’s own arrogance. They TELL us right at the beginning what the story will be, what the twist is, and how it will be accomplished, if you are watching closely and thinking “why might this be important?”
My son had already seen it. I told him “this, this and this” and he didn’t say anything, just said I had to see if I was right. Hee Hee heee . . . I was. And he was so poker faced I didn’t know how blown away he was that I had figured it out.
You can, too.
And if you haven’t seen The Prestige, it is a very good movie. It appears to be coming to Super Movies sometime soon.
Parking Wall of Shame
At the Al Manshar Mall, where there are only about forty spaces for a huge mall:
Rare Case of Lying
In today’s Kuwait Times is an article I found utterly hilarious – WHAT WAS HE THINKING????
Exam Fraud Discovered
Kuwait: The director of a secondary school in Khaitan discovered a first of a kind cheating case wehre an unidentified young man sat for a Quran exam instead of one of the school students, reported Alam Alyawm, noting that being unable to identify the young man and suspecting him, the director requested an ID to verify his true identity.
Sources said that the examined young man confusingly showed a driving license belonging to the student he had substituted. Realizing his fraud had been discovered, the young man fled the school leaving his exam paper and driving license behind.
Upon contacting the real student, he told the police that his driving license had been missing and that he had lodged a report with the police in this regard. Further investigations are in progress.
Uh . . . yeh, I bet they are. 🙂
I am sorry, this just gives me such a giggle. Cheating on a Quran exam? ? ?
Before I wrote the above, I had to do a lot of thinking . . . like the bible, our book, does not say “thou shalt not lie” as one of the 10 commandments, neither is it one of the two great commandments in our New Testament (love the one true God before all others, love your neighbor as yourself), so what does the bible say about lying? Fortuntately for us, there is Google, and the internet, and you can click on What the Bible has to say about lying if you want the specifics. It reminded me that Satan is called “The Father of All Lies.” *shiver* That’s good enough for me.
There are several places in the bible, however, when even good people lie, like because they are scared or because they don’t want to face the wrath of God. One is Sarah, when the messengers tell her she is going to have a baby and she is something like 80 or 100 years old and she laughs, she can’t help it, Sarah laughs. And God says “Sarah! Are you laughing at me! I can do anything!” and Sarah lies and says “oh no, Lord, I wasn’t laughing.”
Since the Bible and the Quran spring from the same spiritual source, I am willing to bet the Quran also has a few things to say about lying and dishonesty, and fraud, and how you can’t fool Allah or cheat him.
Anyone out there willing to step up and educate us?
Dead Man Walking
An Irish joke:
Paddy’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products she asked, “Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Paddy replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Paddy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
Al Qaeda Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
If I knew how to embed video replays in my blog, I wouldn’t have to make you click on Al Qaeda Fed Up with Ground Zero Construction Delay to watch a video interview with two critics of the Ground Zero construction so far, saying almost identical things, but with a twist, oh what a twist.
The video interview is hysterically funny. Give yourself a grin for the day. It’s from one of my favorite websites: The Onion.
Great Blonde Joke
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her……
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
Speaking English
A few months ago I made a mistake. When the complex management asked for suggestions, I told them that it did not make me feel secure that the guards on duty did not, as promised, speak English.
Ever since, I have been the focus of a lot of attention.
“Oh Madam, I am so happy to see you!” gushes one guard, and when I ask about his family, he looks at me blankly.
“Good morning, madame, yes fine, thank you” greets the guard before I have asked him how he is.
Someone is teaching them, and they are actually very happy to be learning some phrases, and they all want to be sure I know they are speaking English.
So yesterday, when a series of bulbs were replaced, when the hariss showed me the brilliant results, I said “Cool!”
And under his breath, the Nepali assistant said, with my exact inflection, “Cool!”
And I could hear him practicing, as he left. I am wondering if I will be greeted with a chorus of “cool!”s as I leave this morning.
Recent Comments
ExpatAlien on What Country am I Living … intlxpatr on Yellowstone: Old Faithful to C… Michelle on Yellowstone: Old Faithful to C… Cathy on No Grown-Ups in Charge intlxpatr on Waiting for Snow Wikipedia Donate Button
Amazina
Early Voting in Florida
Here There and Everywhere 