AIDS and Africa
Listening to BBC yesterday, I learned that in Ghana, men forbid their wives to get HIV testing. If the wife tests positive, it makes public his own shame, carrying HIV, and they don’t want people to know they are infected. They will even resist being treated rather than confess to having HIV.
Recently a Ghanian man divorced his wife for testing positive, even denied he was infected. She states he is the only man she has ever been with. He said she is bringing shame on him, going public.
What tragedy. What folly. Life enhancing, life prolonging drug treatments are available. First, you have to acknowledge you are infected. And, of course, if the women do not get tested, the dreaded disease passes along to the babies.
The newspaper recently published an article that 129 Kuwaitis are HIV positive. I imagine the problems here are similar, that people would prefer it all be kept very private. Is that possible? Is confidentiality respected? Do couples have blood tests before getting married?
Khadra and The Swallows of Kabul
While waiting for our luggage to be offloaded, we were passing time, visiting with our greeter / expediter, asking about his family, his life in Zambia.
“How does this work, travelling with your son and your daughter-in-law?” he asked us. “Do you like her?”
Nothing on earth could disguise the delight on our faces as we both said “Yes!” We truly adore her.
When our son was only seven years old, a Christian speaker passing through said that if you have children, it is likely that their mates have also been born, so to start praying now for the unknown mate your child would choose, and we did.
When our son called us from university, and told us there was someone he wanted us to meet at graduation, and graduation was still months away, we knew, we just knew, that this might be THE ONE.
We were so delighted when we met her, we liked her immediately. What parent isn’t happy to see his/her son/daughter happy, and choosing well?
“But!” our meeter/greeter added, “how do you like her family?”
And we laughed again! We love her family! Her father is smart and very funny, and her mother is kind and practical, and we all share the same values on family and friends and living our lives. She comes from a large rowdy family that gathers when they can, and so do we.
And YOU are thinking “what does all this have to do with The Swallows of Kabul?” but I am getting there.
On the trip, we all had books for our quiet time, and I could see EnviroGirl deeply engrossed in this book. When I asked her, she said she had gotten it from her father’s wife, a woman with whom I often talk books, and that she (EnviroGirl) was trying to finish it so that she could leave it with me.
And thank goodness that she did! I couldn’t put it down!
First, you think it is written by Yasmina Khadra, but that is a pseudonym. The real author, Mohammed Moulessehoul, was Algerian army officer, and he used the pseudonym to avoid having to submit the manuscript for approval by military authorities. That got my attention right away.
The book is about Taleban era Afghanistan, and starts out with utter hopelessness, describing the deterioration in life brought about by the arbitrary imposition of religious rule, as interpreted by men who have memorized the Qur’an, but have a poor understanding of what they have memorized. Women lead a dismal, limited life, at the mercy of men who treat them as detestable if they are seen in public, even totally cloaked.
His language is beautiful, poetic and compelling, even describing despair and desolation.
We meet two couples, Atiq, a jailer, and his wife, Musarrat, who risked her own life to save his life back when he was seriously wounded and left for dead, and Mohsen, former member of a moderately successful merchant family, married to the love of his life, Zunaira, who is beautiful, educated and from a wealthy background. These men love their wives, and have a strong, genuine connection to them. Their ability to maintain that connection, and to stay connected to their own values, withers in the dry, dusty context of fundamentalist rule.
Their lives and relationships have been changing gradually, increasingly limited and undignified under the stress of Taleban rule, and the novel follows a rapid spiral of deterioration and folly. The steady decline of their lives speeds when Mohsen makes a terrible impulsive decision, has to live with the consequences, and confesses to his wife.
Atiq, too, faces dismal consequences. Even though we know he is limited, he becomes a sympathetic character. His hardness of heart covers a genuine grief that his wife is dying, and he can do nothing to stop it, nor to alleviate her pain.
We all face hard times. In our family, when someone lashes out unjustly, we often ask “is it something I have done, or am I just the nearest dog to kick?” It always gets a laugh, and it puts things back in perspective, puts us on the same side. Sometimes we can’t always vent our frustrations against those people or events creating the frustration, so we take it out on those we love – and who love us. It’s not right, it’s not fair or just, but it is very human, and once you get that out on the table, it is easier to discuss the real issue.
When Zunaira ends up in jail, Atiq’s world is shattered as if by an earthquake – the earth moves under his feet, all his understanding of life is shaken.
“As he cleans up, he cautiously lifts his eyes to the roof beam looming over the cell like a bird of evil augury, and his gaze lingers on the anemic little lightbulb, growing steadily dimmer in its ceiling socket. Screwing his courage to the sticking point, he walks back to the lone occupied cell, and there, in the very middle of the cage, the magical vision: the prisoner has removed her burqa! She’s sitting cross-legged on the floor. Her elbows are on her knees, her hands are joined under her chin. She’s praying. Atiq is thunderstruck. Never before has he seen such splendor. With her godess’s profile, her long hair spread across her back, and her enormous eyes, like horizons, the condemned woman is beautiful beyond imagination. She’s like a dawn, gathering brightness in the heart of this poisonour, squalid, fatal dungeon.
Except for his wife’s, Atiq hasn’t seen a woman’s face for many years. He’s even learned to live without such sights. For him, women are only ghosts, voiceless, charmless ghosts that pass practically unnoticed along the streets; flocks of infirm swallows – blue, yellow, often faded, several seasons behind – that make a mournful sound when they come into the proximity of men.
And all at once, a veil falls and a miracle appears. Atiq can’t get over it. A complete, solid woman? A genuine tangible woman’s face, also complete, right here in front of him? He’s been cut off from such a forbidden sight for so long that he believed it had been banished even from people’s imaginations. . . ”
Atiq has a friend, Mirza, who thrives under Taleban rule, as a soldier, and also running illegal businesses highly profitable under the current regime. He encourages Atiq to abandon his cancer-striken wife, to get rid of her and to find a fresh, young wife. He offers Atiq shady business opportunities, and tells him a wise man bends with the wind. Ignorance and chaos benefit Mirza, and he has no wish to see the good old days return.
In spite of the bleakness, the desolation, the crushing arbitrariness and inhumanity, there is hope, love, and compassion in a thin, steady stream throughout the book.
Once I started reading, I had to finish. It was a great book for the long trip back to Kuwait, one I am eager to pass along to the next avid reader.
Jody Shields and The Fig Eater
This is one of those books I picked up off the staff recommendations shelf at Barnes and Noble – one of the very best sources for cult classics like Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, books that don’t get a lot of press hype but whose readership grows slowly by word-of-mouth.
The cover caught my eye. This woman is dressed modestly enough, all the important parts are covered, but look at her eyes – there is a sultriness there, and a challenge that I find intriguing. This shows signs already of being an-out-of the-ordinary book.
The book opens in the early 1900’s with a murder. We follow the investigations of the chief Inspector, and we follow the parallel investigations of his wife, a Hungarian, Erszebet, and her ally, the English Wally. It’s a mystery, and in this exquisite book, the process of solving the mystery is so much more interesting than who actually did it, or even why.
The most fascinating character in The Fig Eater is the nature of fin de siecle Vienna, it’s customs, it’s caste system, it’s manners, and the fusion of East and West. Entire meals are described, cafe’s, cakes, cooking methods. Clothing is described in loving detail, and we visit a tuburculosis sanitarium as well as an insane asylum.
We study Kriminalistics with the Inspector and his assistant, we learn the fundamentals of early photography from an three fingered photographer. We experience early Viennese medical practices.
We learn all kinds of Hungarian superstitions and beliefs, we dance at the Fasching Balls of Vienna, and we simmer with the repressed sexuality of the times. We mourn with the bereaved, we shiver in the cold winter, and we steam in the brutal heat of an extended summer.
The end is so totally unexpected that I had to go back and read it again. My bet is, that if you accept the challenge of reading this book, you will have to, too. Even after you have read it again, you will not be totally sure what has happened, and yet . . . it is a satisfying ending.
This was a wonderful read.
I will leave you with a quote:
The Inspector has always prided himself on his ability to listen, as a good Burger is confident of his business acumen. During interrogations, he can distinguish the different qualities of the witnesses silence, as if it were a tone of voice.
He had admonished Franz more than once for interrupting him. Don’t be so hasty. Slow down and listen. In the Pythagorean system, disciples would spend five years listening before they were allowed to ask a single question. That was in the 4th Century BC. Another philosopher, Philo of Alexandria, wrote about Banquets of Silence, where even the correct posture for listening was determined.
In Kriminalistic there is a text on the subject. He orders Franz to read it as part of his lesson. “To observe how the person question listens is a rule of primary importance, and if the officer observes it he will arrive at his goal more quickly than by the hours of examination.”
The Great Adventure
This week AdventureMan and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary. He kids me – when we were married, we had a goal. We wanted to go to Africa, so we saved our money for a whole year. We didn’t eat meat – or not often. We didn’t go to movies; we went to the library. We did buy cameras, and we saved and saved and saved, and when we had been married a year, we went to Kenya for a month – three weeks on safari and then one week on the beach.
Life has been so good to us, has blessed us so richly. Today we give thanks for the good times, and even the bad times – it takes both to glue a marriage together. We thank God for his abundant mercy on our foolishness and our pride, for our mistakes, and for our good intentions gone wrong. We give thanks for all his blessings and we pray for many more years together.
May the great adventure continue!
Follow Up on Honor Killing Prevented
This is from today’s Arab Times, and is a follow up to Saved By a Scream.
Bail in honour killing
Kuwait : Citing lack of evidence the Public Prosecution has released on KD 200 bail each the two people who had been detained for interrogation for allegedly attempting to kill their daughter in Saudi Arabia, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily.
The daily added the daughter will be referred to the Psychiatric Hospital.
Earlier it was reported the Saudi immigration officers manning the Al-Riqei border had foiled an attempt by an unidentified GCC family to kill their daughter to save their honor.
According to a security source the parents with their daughter and another sibling traveled to Salmi post and to prevent the ‘victim’ from screaming for help the family’s relative who allegedly works at the post hurried through the process of stamping the passports to help the family cross into Saudi Arabia as the family waited in their car.
When the girl reached the Saudi border post she screamed for help and told the immigration officers that her father planned to kill her.
The family was temporarily detained at the post until the Saudi authorities contacted the authorities in Kuwait. After the family was returned to Kuwait under guard, the relative who helped them at the Salmi post was arrested and detained for interrogation.
The girl was reportedly involved in an affair with an unidentified youth inside an apartment in Salmiya and became pregnant.
Maybe the psychiatric hospital is the only place where she can be safely held against attack from her family?
Reward to Find Runaway Groom
AdventureMan read this aloud to me from the Doha Peninsula News. I can’t help it, we both laughed our heads off:
Raipur: A poor villager of Chhattisgarh has announced a cash reward for anyone providing any information about his son who is missing since April 21, minutes after he was married to a girl against his wishes. Though police had registered a case of “missing” and still looking for the runaway groom, the family members of the bride, as well as the groom strongly believe that the groom was “carried away” by ghosts or some evil forces.
Brijlal, a poor farmer, or village Bhurkuni of Dhamtari district has appealed through local newspapers here Wednesday that he would offer Rs. 20,000 in cash to anyone who provides information about his son.
Good luck there, and hope the ghosts and evil spirits return him soon!
Saved by a Scream
This woman had a close call. I am re-assured that the family was taking her to Saudi Arabia to kill her; it implies that the climate in Kuwait does not support honor killings. Another tidbit from the Arab Times:
Screams help officers thwart bid to kill girl for soiling family name
KUWAIT CITY : The Saudi immigration officers manning the Al-Riqei border post are said to have reportedly foiled an attempt by an unidentified GCC family to kill their daughter to save their honor, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily.
According to a security source the parents with the daughter and another sibling traveled to Salmi post and to prevent the ‘victim’ from screaming for help the family’s relative who allegedly works at the post hurried through the process of stamping the passports to help the family cross into Saudi Arabia as the family waited in their car.
When the girl reached the Saudi border post she screamed for help and told the immigration officers that her father planned to kill her.
The family was temporarily detained at the post until the Saudi authorities contacted the authorities in Kuwait. After the family was returned to Kuwait under guard, the relative who helped them at the Salmi post was arrested and detained for interrogation.
The daily said it is a case of ‘honor killing’. The girl was reportedly involved in an affair with an unidentified youth inside an apartment in Salmiya and she became pregnant.
Meanwhile, the Al-Anba daily added, when the girl was in police custody the brother grabbed his younger sister and threatened to shoot her in front of the building of the Criminal Investigations Department.
He was demanding the release of his other sister who was caught having fun with the youth inside an apartment after a missing person report was filed against her.
A police sniper shot the man in the arm and rescued the younger sibling.
I can’t imagine her life will be easy, if she is pregnant, unmarried, and has a family who wants her dead. I can’t imagine that Kuwait has social services that can help her negotiate a path. Life will be difficult, but it sure beats what was about to happen to her in Saudi Arabia.
It Gives Me Hope
You know who I am, I’m pretty consistent in what I have to say. I believe we all have a lot more in common than we have differences, and I want us to find ways to get along. We, as a species, spend so much time and energy and resources fighting over the pettiest differences. How will we ever call ourselves civilized until we can treat every fellow creature with respect?
I bet Cupertino has problems, too. I know for one thing it is incredibly expensive. Most of what I saw there, I really liked. Whole Foods. High Tech Engineering. A wide variety of people, all working together in peace.
At our hotel, there were five weddings taking place the same day as “our” wedding. I came down in the elevator with one couple and their parents, and I got a photo of them in the hotel garden area before their wedding:
The groom is from India, and the bride is Chinese. The parents, and all the relatives are gathered, and dressed in gorgeous, flowing silks, and the bride and groom are just amazingly in love with each other and it is so beautiful, they are all so happy.
Cupertino takes a lot of pride in being beautiful, and the buildings they build are beautiful and they have “campuses” where lots of related buildings are connected with winding garden paths and ponds full of ducks.
I particularly love this sculpture:
Which looks totally different from the side:
There were flowers and plants everywhere. Many I couldn’t even recognize. I would have to learn a whole new world of gardening in California:
The Grande Finale
Here’s the problem. Our weddings are SO much fun. We all get there early, and as Maurice Sendak says – “Let the wild rumpus begin!”
I think many of you have the same families – we raise our children as a village. My sisters’ children are precious to me, and mine to them. They have visited back and forth between our houses since they were little. When we gather, you never know who will be with what family, which room people will gather in – it is one constant high-energy party.
And, it can also be totally exhausting!
Yesterday was the grand finale, THE wedding. It took place at Ainsley House, in Campbell, CA:
The weather has been unseasonably cool, so there was concern about rain during the wedding. Fortunately, it never rained, the sun came out, the bride was gorgeous and everything came off without a hitch. The bride and groom took their vows:
And then they exchanged rings:
After rings were exchanged, and the couple declared man and wife, the guests went on to the reception hall, while the bride and groom and family and attendants had a lengthy photo session. When we gathered for the wedding dinner, it was truly a night to remember!
I loved her table decorations; restrained, elegant, perfect for a beautifully planned wedding:
The wedding dinner:
The Greek side of the family danced, and the Iranian side laughed and said they were dancing Iranian style. The Iranians showed us all how to DANCE, and Sparkle is very very good at it. I think she had some coaching from her new daughter-in-law. Everyone had great fun comparing the different styles of dancing:
Our children are marrying into other “villages” and our own village just keeps expanding. It gives me such immense joy to watch this happen; the world grows smaller and smaller. Our children are choosing their mates with care – and joy! And they are choosing well, uniting us with tribes and clans who share the same values, if not nationalities.
We wish you all happiness, Earthling and Bride!
NOLA, Palo Alto
The rehersal dinner was at a really fun restaurant in Palo Alto, NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana) and the good times started rolling even before we left the hotel, as wedding invitees gathered to car pool and head down the highways to the dinner. We had instructions, but we were following the car in front of us, and so had a great adventure en route. Everyone finally got there just fine, the music was loud, the crowd was hoppin’ and the food was fabulous.
Hurricanes waiting on the table to greet the guests:
The appetizer plates (I couldn’t get to it fast enough to take a photo before some had disappeared!)
We started with soups and salads, but I forgot to take photos (there is a lot of visiting going on at these events!) so here is some fabulous jambalaya:
And what’s left of delicious king salmon:
I was honored to sit with the bride’s mother, originally from Tehran, and oh! what great conversations we had. The whole purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to give the families time to get to know one another a little, to provide a network for the young marrying couple, to give support. Our weddings are GREAT affairs – now I am going to brag a little. Our young generation of marrying age has chosen such fine mates. The bride in this wedding is a pistol; she and Earthling are so well matched, so good to each other and so good at supporting one another. And I love her mother! We had a great time visiting with each other.
And then – oh my – the desserts! Beignets and bread pudding:
People were scraping the sauces right off the serving plate, not wanting to waste a single tasty bite, they were that good!
This morning, the bride, my sister the groom’s mother, my mother and a host of attendants are off to the hairdressers to get hair and nails and make up done, the whole wedding ritual. I am thankful to be a minor character today – I have packing to do, and with the new packing regulations, I am in a world of hurt. I know if I need to I can buy another suitcase, but I am hoping I will not have to do that.
Last night was a truly great evening, (Thank you, Sparkle and MarinerMan!) and as good as it was, as delicious and fun filled as it was, it was just the prelude to the big event today. 🙂
UPDATE:
Hi there,
I noticed you wrote about our restaurant, Nola, on 5/25/2008 (https://intlxpatr.wordpress.com/2008/05/25/nola-palo-alto/). We really appreciate the mention! Recently, we created a new site that lets our customers order online with their desktop or smartphone. It’s an exciting addition to our restaurant, so we’re reaching out to you to ask for a small favor…
If you could help us by adding our new website (http://www.nolapaloalto.com) on your post about Nola, we’d really appreciate it! I know you wrote this post a while back so hopefully it’s not too much trouble!
Again, thanks so much for supporting our restaurant by mentioning us on your site. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. Thanks there!
Cheers,
Your fans at Nola
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