Some Misery Unavoidable
Accepting the bad times could make for a happy marriage
From BBC Health News
The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.
Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.
And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.
The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a “myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering.”
And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.
“The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of “mental health,” which implies a state without suffering,” they say.
Potentially damaging
But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering.
And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.
Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy said: “The authors are right to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging.”
She said it was important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy relationship, because nobody’s life or relationship can be in a permanent state of happiness – there will always be more difficult times.
She said couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good times.
Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, said it was a “fantasy” that any relationship could be perfect and that striving for such an impossible state could lead to bitter disappointment.
She said this disappointment could then cause people to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and resentment.
She said: “People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them.”
Read the rest of the article here.
Dead Man Walking
An Irish joke:
Paddy’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products she asked, “Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Paddy replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Paddy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
Heat Lagging
The heat has hit me like a building crashing down around me. It changes everything I do. Somehow I don’t remember last year being so hot, but I know it was, and I think I just didn’t go out very often. Now that I am driving all over town, man, the heat KILLS me.
I just checked Weather Underground for Kuwait and the temperatures (Fahrenheit for my US readers) is going to be between 107 and 114 for the next five days. Kuwait DOES cool down at night more than Doha, but if you are outside after nine in the morning, you feel like a steak thrown into a hot frying pan to sear. It is sizzling hot!
I find myself trying to get everything done I need to get done early in the day. Sometimes when I get home, get the groceries put away – I need a NAP! I feel like I’ve run a marathon! It’s embarrassing to be so effected by the heat, but I am.
If I have had things going on and don’t get a nap, then by nine my head is nodding. I can be in the middle of a great book, a thrilling movie or a nail biting tv program . . . it doesn’t matter. Sleep calls me like a siren; I can’t resist, I crash. Around three in the morning, having had six hours of great sleep – Hey! here I am! wide awake!
Even my husband, born in the heat of the south, who gets cold easily, even my husband who never complains about the heat – told me this morning he hated the thought of having to walk today from here to there because of the heat. I can hear him wheezing a little at night. We no longer have the dust storm of earlier this week, but the residual dust has made breathing a little harder. I hear a lot of my friends wheezing mildly, too.
It’s just like jet lagging. I’ve got to get it under control, and I’m at a loss. I think most of my friends cope with the heat – by leaving! Others stay inside most of the summer – even the thought of meeting up with a friend for coffee during the day just seems like too much trouble, when I think of the hot hot hot walk from car to air conditioned mall or restaurant!
How do you cope with the heat?
Does your life change?
Do your hours change?
Pope Reinstates Islam Department
According to Catholic belief, the Pope, the head of the Catholic church, is infallible. When he downgraded the Council for Interreligious dialogue, and merged it with another office last year, many people thought he had made a big mistake.
So the re-instating of this department can be seen as an admission of the mistake.
I think this is a brave move. For the head of a religion larger than most nations to make a mistake, and then acknowledge the mistake, and even better – to correct a mistake – that takes a lot of moral courage. Bravo, Pope!
Here is the story, from BBC News:
Pope reinstates Islam department
The Pope has been repairing damaged relations with Muslims
Pope Benedict XVI has reversed a controversial decision he took a year ago to downgrade the Vatican department which deals with the Islamic world.
The Council for Interreligious Dialogue will be restored to its former position as a department in its own right.
It is not clear if the department’s former head, British archbishop Michael Fitzgerald, will also be reinstated.
His removal was seen as a sign the Pope was more interested in improving ties with other Christian denominations.
The BBC’s David Willey in Rome says that by reversing his decision, which was interpreted negatively in the Muslim world, the Pope has tacitly admitted that this was a mistake.
Relations between the Vatican and Muslims have deteriorated over the past year, particularly over remarks made by the pontiff during a visit to Germany last September, in which, some thought, he appeared to equate Islam with violence.
The Pope insisted his words had been taken out of context and that he meant no offence to the Muslim religion.
Merger reversal
In a rare about face, Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone told the Italian newspaper, La Stampa, that the Council for Interreligious Dialogue would again become “a dicastery in its own right”.
You can read the rest of the article here.
The Great American Library
Today there is an article in the news about a small library in Vermont that actually sits on the border and is used by both Americans and Canadians. The US government is considering changing that, as they think the unguarded entry to the US is being used by bad people.
Maybe. I don’t know. Post 9/11, the Department of Homeland Security can say or do just about anything in the name of National Security, limit or modify our consititutional rights, behave in ways contrary to everything we believe in, and no one seems to be able to stop them.
And that is not the point. The point is that at one time in our history, an industrialist, Andrew Carnegie, donated money to build libraries throughout the United States, Canada and even Scotland, over 2,000 libraries in all.
In almost every town in America, you will find a library, where you can borrow, free of charge, books on any subject.
When I was a little girl, where I lived was so safe that my mother would put me on the bus with my basket family library books and send me to the library, call the librarian to tell her I was coming, and I could spend hours there, and no-one had to worry about my safety. My Dad would pick me up on his way home from work, and I would have a basket of fresh books – the librarian would pick out books for my Mom.
One day, the desk person was sick, and the librarian let me sit at the desk, checking books ou to library patrons. I must have been six or seven years old, and could barely get on the high chair behind the library desk.
Here is what was so cool. I could read at a very early age, and my nine or ten had worked my way through most of the children’s section, and started choosing books from the adult section. The first time, the librarian called my Mom and asked if it was OK, and my Mom said “if she thinks she can read it, check it out to her.” My library card was annotated to inform all the desk people that I could read whatever I wanted, even from the adult section. Woooo Hoooooooo!
My husband has similar stories, growing up in his home town. He loved the library as I did, and one day, rode his bike to the library and then fell asleep there, hidden from view. The librarian closed the library and he woke up alone and very scared. These were pre mobil phones – I know, I know, it’s hard to believe. His family came looking for him and found his bike, called the librarian, who lived nearby, and she let him out.
We still love libraries. It’s an amazing thing, to be able to walk into a treasury of books, pick up a couple hundred dollars worth, and walk out with just your signature as pledge. The newest books on every subject are available, either in the library itself or through their inter-library loan system. Now, too, most of the libraries have a computer section, where you can check your e-mail or do research online – totally free.
Libraries are staffed mainly by females, I don’t know why, it seems to be seen as a female job. But what power these women have! They are the guardians of so much knowledge! Children and adults come to them and ask all kinds of questions, and they know where to look for the answers!
Isn’t learning how to access knowledge one of the true great secrets in life? So these librarians, the guardians of knowledge, are like Superman, holding the front lines against ignorance, promoting access to new ideas and new ways of doing things, combating the forces of darkness and superstition.
Librarians were a powerful force in my life, and in my husband’s. Has there been a powerful figure in your life who made a difference in how you saw the world, in choices you have made?
Creepy Leading Men
Eeeeeeewwwwww! I just half watched an Academy Award special on BBC. What caught my attention was interviews with Peter O’Toole and Clint Eastwood. Can’t remember a word they said – and both these guys did some amazing and memorable movies – but I watched in horrified fascination because they look so awful. Their faces have been lifted a time or two too often, and their faces don’t move when they talk. Clint Eastwood, in his 70’s, has no lines at all around his eyes, just this smooth white skin that makes him look like he has a mask on.
I remember seeing a movie with Michael Douglas a couple years ago, with some hot flash-in-the-pan, and he was wearing MAKE-UP. It was so bad you could SEE the make up.
It’s like Aerosmith performing in Dubai – isn’t he like 60 or 70 years old? Great that he has the energy, but isn’t it time to move on? Keith Richards looks like the portrait of Dorian Gray . . .
and then there is Robert Redford, who just let age happen, and looks natural and graceful.
Is it just me? I like the natural look on men. I think grey hair is handsome. I love those little crinkles around the eyes (on men, not on ME!! Yep, totally hypocritical.) Men with facelifts, men with bronzer, blusher, mascara and eyeliner give me the creeps.
Travel Karma Failure
I have really good travel karma – most of the time. Even when things go wrong, something good comes out of it. And before you read any further, you must know that during this trip, I had a really good time, surrounded by friends, good conversation, a lot of laughter and a very understanding husband – it had a happy ending. But this was a serious travel karma failure.
Oh, I had planned to carefully – fly out early, my friends pick me up, we loll around the pool catching up, grab a bite to eat, and eventually they drop me off at my hotel where I hook up with my husband.
Only this is what I saw on my way to the airport:
And this is what I saw as the plane was delayed – and delayed – and delayed again:
And this is what the airport looked like as more and more planes got delayed:
After – literally – hours, we board. We are rolling away from the airport when a guy a couple seats up from me says . . . something . . . to the stewardess and the guy across from him. As the plane continues rolling, I watch the guy across the aisle get up, go to the galley and make a phone call. The plane keeps rolling rolling rolling, but . . . rolls to a stop and all kinds of vehicals come out to the plane.
They all have a discussion:
But you know this part of the world, everyone has an opinion and wants to be heard. Back and forth up and down the aisle. The entire Qatar soccer team weighed in on this one:
Somehow, it all got resolved. I get to Doha – not early morning, but six at night. I’ve already told my friends to forget picking me up in peak traffic time, but I would see them the next day – we already had plans. But the topping on this perfect day is that my suitcase didn’t come. People were sent looking here and there, and another hour passed.
No suitcase. No explanation, but they assure me the suitcase is still in Kuwait. Get it here, I tell them, I need it. Send it to my hotel. And I rush to duty free to pick up some face cream and mascara and lipstick – you know, the essentials. When I get to the hotel I realize I have nothing, but the gift shop, thank God, has very large T-shirts I can sleep in, a hairbrush, a toothbrush and even underpants.
My greatest fear, as the suitcase continues to NOT show up, is that I will never see it again. It is a great suitcase, and inside it is my computer power cord. Normally a balanced, easy going person, I have bad dreams, angry dreams, frustrated dreams and I wake unrested, and wanting clean clothes.
My husband, not normally known for his patience, was very tenderly patient with me. I think he was more than a little bewildered to see me so bent out of shape. It was probably funny – if you weren’t me.
For three days, for every event, I wear the same clothes. Three days. The bag finally showed up this morning – still at the airport – just in time for my return trip to Kuwait.
Now that, my friends, is a SERIOUS travel karma failure.
Anya Seaton and Avalon
Avalon, by Anya Seaton, is an amazing book, a book I almost didn’t read, but once I picked it up, I could hardly stop reading until I had reached the end. It took me to a whole new world.
It opens in England, around the turn of the first millenium, when people had names like Aethelred and Aelfrhryth which is enough to make me NOT want to read the book. But I read another book by Anya Seaton, Katherine, and I really liked it. It, too, took place in very early English history, and had such an authentic feel. It wasn’t like you pick up the book and all the lords and ladies are in gorgeous clothes, Seaton captures the primitive life many lived in “castles”, freezing cold most of the winter, no plumbing – many of the poorest laborers in Kuwait live better, in terms of food, a roof over their head, toilet facilities – that these early nobles. And the life of villagers was even more basic, a true scrabble for survival, and under filthy conditions, not a lot of time of opportunity for bathing, so people had quite an odor most of the time.
Avalon begins with a chance meeting of a young man and a young woman, a tragedy, and a journey. Their story, as first one love and the other doesn’t, then the other does and misses the opportunity – takes us from the southernmost part of England to Iceland, to Ireland, to Greenland and to the new world, all in the space of these two intertwined lives. They never marry, and yet the book, and their relationship, is a romance.
As you can see, once I got into the book, I couldn’t put it down until the last page. These people are so real, so genuine and so human – and Seaton makes you care about them. She manages to throw in enough detail that I could almost swear I visited these places – a thousand years ago. I have spun wool to buy necessities for our sod house in Iceland, I have embroidered tapestries in the Bower of my husband’s castle, I have sent my son off to settle with his Irish bride in the new world – yes, I think I have done.
The political situation in England at this time is chaotic, with Vikings raiding their coastal cities, and deep up the rivers into the interior, feuding over who will wear the crown, and problems with the capabilities of rulers to rule. There is a constant friction between the church and state, for land, for power, for wealth. The majority of the novel takes place during the reign of – I am not kidding – Ethelred the Unready.
At the very end, I found to my astonishment, that this book also concerned the ramifications of a big lie, just as my previous book reviewed. This is a total co-incidence, something that surprised me, and this book ends in a totally different way, as the main character comes to grips with her deception, owns up to it, willing to suffer the consequences.
Is this what I want? Merwyn thought, and at once came the answer. Yes, it is. There would be boring days ahead, but never again the depressions and miseries of before . . . She felt cleansed, peaceful, and there was much gratitude. . .
That totally cracked me up, but this is a romance of a different nature, a very real romance, with the real kinds of choices that real-life romances entail, and the real life consequences. The hand of God is a major player here, and the beliefs of the characters shape events in a way consistent with the times. Dreams are taken very seriously, and the power of curses, and sorceries, which I never give two thoughts in my daily life in the 21st century.
The main characters have their own nobility, based on their choices, their growth, and their coming to terms with their lives and situations. I learned a lot reading Avalon, and I also had a great time while learning.
All in all, a fascinating read.
Life Unfair? Also bad for you
If you think life is unfair to you, just the perception could mean you are at higher risk of heart disease and stroke.
Unfairness ‘increases heart risk’
Unfair treatment outside the office could increase risks of heart disease
People who feel they are treated unfairly, including in the home and community, may have a higher risk of developing heart disease, a study says.
University College London researchers studied 8,000 people, says the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.
They found those with a profound sense of injustice had a 55% higher chance of suffering serious heart disease.
Experts believe a sense of unfairness engenders negative emotions which may prompt biochemical changes in the body.
This is from BBC Health News, yesterday, and you can read the rest by clicking here.
Rude Awakening
In the wee small hours of the morning, my husband and I had a rude awakening. While we were sound asleep, the Qatteri Cat figured out how to open the front door and walk out. Awakening and seeing light, my husband jumped out of bed, and yelled “Qatteri Cat is gone!” but as he wasn’t wearing much, he couldn’t go look for QC. Sheer panic. We know the QC would not last long on the mean streets of Kuwait.
I’m paranoid about sleeping in nothing much, like what if there is a fire or something? So I am wearing a little more, not much more, but enough that I can go look for QC, but as soon as he hears us exclaiming, he comes back in, like “hey! glad to see you up! Did you notice my food dish is empty?”
And it was empty. I have noticed if I can remember to feed him before we go to bed, we have fewer howlings in the middle of the night, fewer jumping at the door handle. Hunger makes him wakeful and energetic. And we normally lock the front door, but when we came in last night we were both carrying packages and I must have gotten distracted, I am usually the obsessive-compulsive one about making sure the door is locked.
And the Qatteri Cat? After all the commotion, he is sleeping in this morning, while I am walking around bleary and tired. But he is so sweet when he is sleeping.
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