The Arab Way
My husband and I were very young when we first came to live in the Middle East, back to back embassy assignments, first in Tunisia, and then in Jordan. Before those assignments, we had spent two years learning about the culture, and my husband spoke Arabic and I spoke French. It didn’t matter. We were still woefully ignorant. (And we are still learning!)
People would call us, asking for favors, especially visas and getting their kids into U.S. colleges. We would look at each other in astonishment. How could they think their kids could get into college without passing the tests? How did they think their cousin could get into pilot training when there were other, better qualified candidates? And we learned, that with the right connections, exceptions are made.
We got smarter. We were travelling back in Germany, and wanted to stay in military lodging, but all the rooms were taken. We decided to go get something to eat, and at dinner, I said to my husband “let’s try doing it the Arab way.” He looked at me and said “Whaaaaaattt?”
“Take your orders that say we are with the embassy and on special leave” I told him. “Tell them we just got in, and just need a place for tonight.”
“But they don’t have any rooms!” Adventure Man protested.
“They always hold rooms back for special circumstances, for pilots, for emergencies,” I countered. “Make us special.”
We finished dinner, and felt better with our blood sugars back up. Adventure Man became his charming persona, and we went back to the hotel. He was inside for a bare two minutes, and came back out grinning, and holding a key.
We have learned an important lesson. Yes, there are policies. Yes, there are rules. Yes, there are the way things are done, customs, traditions, inviolable.
But there are also exceptions, and they are based on personal relationships.
Our insurance company told us they would no longer insure our Florida house, too much risk exposure in Florida. We went to a lot of trouble to try to meet a guideline that would allow us to be an exception – to no avail. Yesterday, I spent an hour on the phone with one person who was persistently pleasant in telling me it was not possible. I told her that telling me what a great customer I was, and how they valued our loyalty didn’t ring true when they would abandon us after all our years of being good customers. I didn’t blame her, personally, but neither was I buying all this pleasant stuff, when the bottom line was money, not loyalty.
I hung up the phone with a huge pit in my stomach – this cloud, this worry has hung over my head all summer, and now my worst fears had come true and I would have to seek new, less reliable, insurance. But I decided to put it off until tomorrow, no point trying to do something when you feel really depressed.
Late last night, we were in those early hours of dead-drooling sleep, the phone rang, and it was the insurance representative calling us back. Four hours after our phone call, the phone call which had been “the final answer” she was calling me back to say she had found a way, and our policy was being re-instated.
Thanks be to God! The Arab way worked, even though I wasn’t consciously using the Arab way, probably my thinly veiled anger and frustration and bottom line TERROR had gotten through to her. I thought it was over, but God was working behind the scenes, and a miracle happened.
We are still learning; we still have a lot to learn, and living in this culture helps us continue learning a new tools, additional strategies, for our tool box.
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Yes, yes, this is the best way ever. Not when you’re on the other end though, or when you dunno how to pull it off *weeps*
LLLOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, KJ. It doesn’t always work for me, either! And if we could pull it off all the time, then why even bother having rules? I think it’s really really good to have a system, and I also think it’s good for a system to have a heart. It’s a fine balance, isn’t it?
Embassy ha? I will not come close to Mishref again!
Purg 😉 See ya at the normal drop site.
Intx Im happy for you getting insurance. I know exactly what you been through – trying to balance things in 2 different countries and mixing/matching ‘cultural habits’ trying to see what works – it aint easy – keep the sanity!
“Embassy ha? I will not come close to Mishref again!”
Hahaha Purg thinks your a female Jason Bourne now!
the problem is when the exception becomes the rule! that’s why you don’t see any qualified people in government posts, they run off to private sectors, investment companies, where they can prove their selfs.
thats just not good
off–topic: so now the American embassy monitors the blogs too? great! You know you don’t really have to be in Kuwait to monitor them 😛
Amer – it’s the Third Culture Kid kind of tool box, isn’t it? I like having more than one approach! Y’oughta see me do a Frenchwoman; my voice up an entire octive!
Purg thinks I am a penguin!
Error – You are SO right. Once every exception becomes the rule, the system is broke. But I keep my eyes open. I see some good people working in Kuwait, with patience and kindness and humor. Most are overworked.
I think about the food inspectors, whose photos we see in the papers as they close down shops – I bet they deal with the discouragement of “wasta” often. And there are good police, and very good health care workers. I see a lot of Kuwaitis, young and old, frustrated by wasta and working hard to do their part to make Kuwait a better country.
We are no longer embassy people, so you don’t have to worry about me. I’m no harm to anyone. And if I wanted information about Kuwait – as I did when I was moving here – I would watch the Kuwait blogs – they are full of great information.
We learn from each other’s cultures eh?
To charm your way through is the best policy sometimes, it gets you whatever you want. 🙂
So…what about the ‘package’ did you get it? *shady look*
R – *laughing laughing laughing* the only package I got was the carry-out from Tang Chow! But fine chow it is!
Are you in cahoots with Purg now? You’ve got the conspiracy thing going? And how are Gabriella and Mouse doing? If you log in, people can click through to your website and see their photos!
This is a fantastic post. I loved your story.. And yes, that IS just the way it is!
Margot, in Marrakesh
margotmystic.wordpress.com
Margot, welcome! You are living in Marrakesh? One of my favorite cities in the world! And what happened with the maid?
Honestly I hate that arab way but I admit it does wonders.
Good luck with the insurance company. 🙂
Mac, bureaucracy can be so implacable, don’t you think? There has to be some balance. . .systems and procedures, balanced with compassion?
Oh, Intlxpatr, when Mariner Man, Earthling and I were on the amazing adventure back in 2001 and we visited with you, you told me about the arab way. And it came in so very handy later on that trip when we had flight issues out of Cairo. I used the arab way – and they looked at me with astonishment, this blonde, American woman trailing a confused husband and son, and I GOT MY WAY because, of course, it was the right thing for them to do. And, with some tweaks, it works stateside, too! It is a a staple in my toolbox!
You were always a quick learner, Sparkle! I would say the underlying essence is “give them a reason to make an exception in my/your case.” Or “make them like family.” It sure worked for you! 🙂
Interesting, finally an Arab way which works!!! 🙂
Just don’t get addicted to it, it might start to be too tempting.
The essence and heart of the rule is what the whole thing is about. One don’t try to live by the rules as if they are holy and must be literally followed, he has to understand the reason for such rules.
I do emphasize on the fact a systematic community is great, but too many rules sucks out the heart of the system, balancing is the key and it requires a great sense of awareness.
Unfortunately sometimes people look for exceptions of the rules. It’s more like a global logic that heavily and absurdly used in Arab countries. Maybe because they live by the rules for too long that they forget why they have been created for anymore, some people pick up the bad habit and soon it defines them and subconsciously believe eluding the rules is the rule to meet their supposedly justified needs!!
Touche, see today’s article, The Arab Way #2. When it DOESN’T work for me! And oh well, we all have our idiosyncracies. Loved your post on female mentality, by the way, and the dialogue it created. Great post.
To my mind going the family way every time all the time is quintessentially ,the Arab way.
🙂
OK, Q8Kinghts, I can understand family is to be preferred. But what if you owned a company, for example, and you really needed for it to succeed. Would you hire a na’er do well from your own family, or a highly competant, experienced manager not from your family?
By going the family way I was insinuating getting and remaining pregnant.
🙂
Now I am totally embarrassed, Q8Knights. :-0 That one went right over my head, I totally missed it. Thank you for coming back and clarifying!