Naughty or Nice?
Blogger N. at One or the Other asks readers and visitors to vote on whether they are naughty or Nice? Blogger Fourme, rightly comments that we don’t have any definition of naughty or nice by which to define ourselves and that she will refrain from voting.
Most of the voters are naughty, by the way.
It gave me a big grin.
Isn’t “naughty” or “nice” greatly in the mind of the beholder?
Once, when I was the young wife of a young army officer, I got up my courage and wrote a letter to the editor. It turned out to be a controversial letter; I got one very sarcastic response from the authority I questioned, and then, a week later, all hell broke loose as readers from all over Europe bombed the one who replied. I felt scared, but a little proud to have raised the issue.
I was working in the library. THE COLONEL’S WIFE (that is how we thought of her) walked in and said to me “we don’t get our names in newspapers. It isn’t done.” And then she walked out.
Then I really felt scared. And I really felt naughty. And at the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Sometimes, don’t you have to say something? When you see something that is not right? And is that really naughty?
Online Friendship
Recently, my blogging friend Macaholiq8 posted a question asking “Do You Take Online Friendships Seriously?” The question pops up often, along with the “can men and women be friends?” question.
I like questions like that. You think the answer is easy, you have an automatic response, and then you find yourself days later re-visiting the question, pondering the question. That’s a good question, isn’t it, when it comes back and haunts you and makes you think some more?
In social environments, my mother trained me well. I know how to be pleasant, how to make small talk, how to amuse people with anecdotes that are short and funny. I know how to mingle, I can put people at ease. I have a wide range of connections; I have a lot of friends, i.e. people I know socially.
Only one of these friends knows that I blog.
There is another level of friend, friends with whom friendship has developed slowly, and usually cemented by some event during which we connected at a deeper level. I know one blogger, for example, face-to-face. I liked her anyway, but when my Father died, she sent me her real name and phone number and told me to call her. You know how wary I am – her compassion and grace, her trust, brought me to tears. She is the one exception to my “stay anonymous” rule; she broke through the barrier by her one act of grace – and by her body of work, which helped me to know her temperament and her character.
Most of my friendships occur online these days, but through e-mails keeping me up to date with those whose friendships I have cherished over the years:
* My college friend
* My childhood-live-across-the-creek-in-Alaska friend
* My Chinese-Mormon-Army Wife Friend
* Several mentors, hobby-buddies, church buddies, expat-abroad buddies, as well as family members, some of whom are also buddies!
AdventureMan is my very best buddy. When we met, my sister was getting married in the Heidelberg castle, and there was a lot to be done. I didn’t have a license to drive in Germany, and AdventureMan would come and get me and take me places like the florist’s or the officer’s club or wherever I needed to go to run an errand that needed to be run. We weren’t dating; he was just very kindly ferrying me around. As he would drive, we would have good conversations. The night my sister got married, he looked at me and realized he wasn’t going to see me again if he didn’t ask me out. We’ve been best friends ever since.
Friendship, deep friendship, doesn’t always mean you’re going to agree, in fact sometimes it is only your very best friend who can give you bad news and make you listen. When friends tell me about big fights with other friends, I tell them (whoa! when did I become a mentor???) that fighting and even hatred is not the opposite of love, disengagement and indifference and not caring is the opposite of love.
I have a good friend now in Kuwait who is helping another friend walk through a terrible situation. The friend gets really really angry with her, and even says behind her back (and to her face) “I hate it when people try to tell me how to live my life.” Because the helping friend is loyal and committed to the friendship, she persists. It’s like dealing with an animal in pain, when we are in emotional pain and don’t want to hear something, we might strike out at the person bearing the message. It takes a very special friend to stay the course, to be committed through that kind of emotional pain.
As I see it, there are an infinite number of levels of friendship, and different friendships for different times in your life, and different needs.
In times of crisis, when a friend needs someone to talk to who can keep her mouth shut, I’m there. If you are my friend and want to spend a lot of time with me, you’re going to be disappointed. If you need me to head up a project, I’m there. If you need me to head up a group – no way. Some people, mostly introverts, find me a great friend, and others, those who are good at hanging out, find me lacking.
I DO think you can be friends with bloggers and never meet them. In the days of snail mail, people had pen-pals who lived in distant places. They might write for decades and never meet, and yet there was a lasting and genuine relationship that I would call friendship. We meet in a realm of ideas and experiences. Meeting in person, the differences might overshadow that which we share in common.
You might think I am just blah-blah-blah-ing, but there is a method in my madness. I think we relate to one another and influence one another in ways we are just beginning to realize. I think there is great value in what we gain from our online friendships.
Later I will post on a hotel AdventureMan and I stayed in, a hotel I would never have known about or heard of were it not for the recommendation of a Kuwaiti former blogger (one who I hope will one day blog again) Gastronomica who now owns and operates The Slider Station and who hasn’t blogged for quite a while. His posts were so educated, so interesting and so reliable that I truly miss his presence in the blog world.
I am guessing that the secret to maintaining friendships is to understand who the friend is and what he/she is capable of. One of the great pitfalls is expecting more from the relationship than the friend, or the relationship can merit. Different friends bring different gifts to the table; I think you need them all to some extent, and it is up to you to determine to what level YOU want the relationship to go, depending also on the capabilities and needs of the other.
Every Sunset is a Beautiful Sunset
We were walking along Clearwater Beach, in Florida with a couple who had been our friends for years. We have so many stories with this couple, stories that make us all double over in laughter.
There was the time we were dining at a castle in Germany, a very lovely place, and when we ordered dessert, it came . . . chocolate mousse, but carefully placed, a la nouvelle cuisine, and striped with a chocolate syrup. As it was being put before us, we didn’t dare to look at one another. Only when the waiter left did the giggles start, growing into full grown guffaws, as we laughed helplessly.
The mousse looked like dog poop.
My husband was laughing so hard he had trouble breathing for a while. The gales of laughter, the whoops of laughter continued as we remembered the utter shock as the dessert was placed before us. To this day, we still don’t know if this was seriously supposed to be haute cuisine or if it was some kind of German joke. It still makes us roll with laughter thinking of the horrified surprise we each felt, and our fear of laughing in the waiter’s face.
There are other stories, stories funnier to us than they would be to you in the retelling.
Bill had a heart attack earlier in the year. AdventureMan and I were going through career transition issues. It was a time of struggle for both couples, and we were talking about what we were going through as the sun began to set. We all stopped and watched.
“What a beautiful sunset!” AdventureMan said.
There was a pause, as we all watched the last fading rays of the setting sun.
Bill took AdventureMan’s arm and looked at him intensely.
“Every sunset is a beautiful sunset,” he said, and added “when you think you may never see another.”
It changed how we see the sunset. It changed how we see the sunrise. Bill died this last year, having had many more sunsets after our sunset in Florida, and we still miss him grievously.
Michael Malone: Handling Sin
Have I told you (only a hundred times?) that our family loves books? We buy them, we discuss them, and we pass them around. The one I am about to review came from my son, who got it from the wife of his wife’s father. Heee heee heeee, figure that one out!
Have you ever read A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole? As soon as you start reading Handling Sin, you get the same impression; this book is whacky, and will probably be an underground cult favorite. The author of Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole, committed suicide – or so we are supposed to believe. I am not so sure. Handling Sin sounds SO like it, and they both heavily feature New Orleans.
Right off the top, this books starts out weird and keeps right on going. It opens with our hero, Raleigh Whittier Hayes at a Civitan (social and civic works group, kind of like diwaniyya) meeting at the local Chinese restaurant in Thermopylae, North Carolina, where his fortune cookie at the end of the meal says “You will go completely to pieces by the end of the month.” Raleigh sells insurance, he runs and watches what he eats because most of his family gets diabetes; and Raleigh likes order. When we meet Raleigh, he’s not all that likable.
His dying father takes off, leaving a message for Raleigh that he needs to do seven (crazy-sounding) tasks and meet him in New Orleans at a specific date and time, having accomplished these tasks, otherwise he won’t go back to the hospital for his cancer treatments.
His big fat best friend, Mingo Sheffield, insists on coming along. His wife, Aura, just laughs and tells him he needs to loosen up a little when he starts complaining about his Dad’s quest, and begins her campaign for mayor. His nice, safe structured little universe is flying apart, his twin teen-age daughters are out of control, reality as he knows it has just taken a big crunching shift and Raleigh is out of his element.
Perfect! It’s those times of maximum discomfort that we begin to achieve our maximum potential, isn’t it? If we stay in our safe little world, we aren’t challenged to grow, to think new thoughts, to see things from another perspective.
Handling Sin has a series of events that are at the same time heart warming, serious, and side-splittingly funny. I laughed out loud so many times reading this book, as our hero and his friend and all those he picks up along the way find themselves in the most outrageous and unlikely adventures, and learn what they are capable of (OK, for all you grammarians, do not end your sentences in a preposition, do as I say, not as I do!) I would not be at all surprised if this book were made into a movie, it is so much fun. As you rock along, Malone also deals with serious health issues, racial issues, family issues, political issues and law and order. You laugh, you cry, you learn a little and you laugh again. It’s a great read.
This was my back-up book on my flights back to Kuwait, and worth the weight – it’s a kind of big book. AdventureMan can hardly wait to get into it; he had started it but allowed me to read it while he caught up with his jet lag. Who knows who we will pass it along to when he finishes? It’s that good!
Surviving Family Functions
As my Mom and I were driving along, on our way to Thanksgiving dinner, we ended up having a surprising conversation about family Thanksgivings. I was telling her how I grew up hating Thanksgiving, that Dad and I always had a big fight because he was mad at me for taking a book along, I was meant to be interacting with the family.
I think parents forget how noisy and intimidating family events can be. I don’t know about your family, but in most families there are a few weird ducks, or maybe they get weirder when they all get together. Taking a book and finding a quiet place to read helped me survive these events. As I grew older, and got to know family members on an individual basis, quiet, one-on-one – I learned that there were several of them I actually liked a whole lot. There is one aunt who is probably my main role model, and one cousin who is one of those I would trust with my life secrets.
Mom doesn’t remember the fights, she doesn’t remember my taking a book. “Why would you?” she says in absolute incredulity. Mom never met a party she didn’t like – she is a very social being, to her very core. I still feel her hand at my back, slightly pushing me into the room with a big smile pasted on all our faces, saying “Mingle, girls, mingle!”
I love being a grown up. I love being able to say “no,” and I even love the growing grace to face situations I hate and get through them. I love meeting up with fellow introverts in other cultures and learning, that under the skin, we all face a lot of the same problems.
“Ach! Birthday parties!” exclaimed my German friend, a fellow Mac-user and graphics designer. “I would love to be you, to live somewhere else, and never have to attend another birthday party!” In my little village, where, by the grace of God, they included me in everything, I came to understand what she meant. On a person’s birthday, every woman in the village brings at least one cake, and oh man, these cakes are special. Most are loaded with cream, whipped, and imbued heavily with alcohol. Every person must take a slice of almost every cake (and my body doesn’t like all the fat in cream and rebels) and you sit for hours having the same conversation you had at the last birthday party. I was just an outsider in the village, not even a family member, and it was hard for me to say no. The force of tradition has so much weight!
My Kuwaiti friends also occasionally confide their impatience with expectations that you will show up regularly and stay – maybe at grandma’s every Friday for the mid-day meal, maybe there are a whole bunch of weddings all at once and you end up attending several nights in a row and feeling like something the cat dragged in the next day . . . I think every culture has these expectations, and every culture has those who thrive in a social environment and those who – like me – don’t.
Oh, if you saw me now, you would THINK I am in my element. I have learned how to fake it! My social Mother’s training has paid off; I LOOK fluent in social events. Underneath, however, I am the same old person who does best one-on-one.
AOL Healthy Living (you can read it HERE has published a list of tactics for surviving the inevitable family / group functions you can’t avoid.
1. Expectations
Holidays are all about expectations. Will mom love my gift? I hope we do a group sing-along. You want the holidays to be perfect, but cut down the fantasy. Instead, think about what you want to get out of it all — relaxed Thanksgiving with your in-laws or a New Year’s Eve that doesn’t end with a hangover.
2. Arrive Late, Leave Early
The traditional seven hour marathon — drinks, dinner, presents, television — is too much “together time” for most families. Shortening the party can make a dramatic difference. And if you’re in for a sleepover, take breaks from the crowd. It’s as simple as walking around the block or crawling into bed early with a good book.
3. Don’t Drink too much
Many people use the holiday as an excuse to eat, drink and be merry to excess. Rarely a good idea around family. Alcohol, in fact, can be a real serious problem in a lot of households. When the drinking gets out of hand, all the old animosities come out to play, and hostile, regrettable or embarrassing things are said — or worse.
4. Presents
You spend hours selecting the perfect present for your sister and she hands you … a candle. And a re-gift at that. Newsflash: Not everyone’s as thoughtful as you are. The best solution here is to discuss gift-giving — how much to spend, what you’d like — with her and the rest of the clan beforehand.
5. Don’t Get Sucked into the Craziness
Holidays can cause otherwise sane adults to revert to their worst childhood selves. And that’s not accounting for dad’s sarcasm and mom’s incessant pleading. If you find yourself falling into the same old roles, do (or say) something to derail that train. Don’t get sucked into the craziness again.
6. Focus on the NOW
Your big bro was mom’s favorite. Okay, but after 30-odd years, that’s not going to change. Focus on the now. You’ll have a much better time if you practice forgiveness and try to accept family members as they are, even if they don’t live up to all your expectations.
7. Seek Out Those You Love
Your relatives spend the holidays in the mall. That’s not for you. Rather than sulk, seek out the people you really love and miss, and ask them for a little face time. Also, urge your host to set smaller tables so you could sit with your favorite cousin without listening to your uncle bluster on all night.
8. Things Won’t be Perfect
Don’t deny it: You’re thinking you have to be an ideal daughter in-law and hostess; make the consummate green bean casserole and buy the best gifts. Not gonna happen. Stop trying to be perfect and comparing yourself to others, and realize that all you can do is try your best.
9. Focus on the Positive
In the end, think about exactly what you’re celebrating here. Joy. Caring. Sharing. Think about your family gatherings as if you were in church, synagogue or a mosque. You wouldn’t be bickering with or judging others, right? Okay, maybe you would. But let’s keep that on the DL — at least while you’re all together.
And I would add one more – 10. If you are one of the more social types who LOVE family gatherings, have a little pity on the introverts, who find large gatherings a little overwhelming! Try to get a little one-on-one time with them, try to have some opportunities for quiet conversations.
Happy Birthday, Law and Order Man
Thrills change as life goes on. We had a big thrill this week. We got a call from our son, a felony prosecutor, and we could tell from the second we answered the phone that he was happy, more than happy. You don’t hear this kind of happy all that often – it’s exaltation. It’s the call when he met “the ONE,” the look on his face when he graduated from law school, the sound of his voice when he snagged the exact job he wanted – prosecutor – in his field, his joy on the day he was married, and now, putting a bad guy away.
He just won a major case. You would think that this is a common occurrence, but it isn’t necessarily. The police have to gather the right evidence, the chain of custody has to be flawless, your witnesses have to be strong . . . one time, for example, his prime witness against the accused got on the stand and said SHE did it, not the gal she was supposed to be testifying against. She changed her story. Our son thinks they may have been watching Law and Order, or something, and figured out how to screw with the court.
This time, though, he had a major win, and put a bad man away for a long time. Every now and then, you get that exhilarated feeling that you are doing exactly what you are created to do – and we could hear it in his voice.
Thanks be to God. As parents, all you want is for your children to find their happiness, to find the purpose for which they were created, to find a good mate/partner to walk through life with. We don’t wish our children a life without struggles – struggles help you become who you are meant to be. Struggles are normal. Oh, how we dance with joy when you struggle and you prevail. We are dancing for joy for you, son.
Happy Birthday, dear son. We wish you a year full of wonderful new experiences.
Signs, Signs
I love signs. The very first sign I remember photographing was in Kenya, where it said “Elephants have the right of way.” This is a couple signs we came upon while walking along the waterfront, and it occurred to me that in this very law-abiding community, there were all kinds of signs telling you what you can’t do . . . LOTS of them!
And because we ate at the Rock Tavern, I keep hearing this song going through my head and thinking my sign says “Thank you very much, Lord!”
Beautiful Weird Thanksgiving
This was a beautiful, wierd Thanksgiving for me. It’s one of the very rare Thanksgivings that Adventure Man and I have not been together. He was down in Florida, at an all day eating, playing and visiting fest with our son, our son’s wife and her family. He shucked his first oysters, and was told he had better keep his day job.
I am in Seattle with my Mom, and we went to my best-friend-from-college’s house. It turned out to be one of the sweetest Thanksgivings I have had. As we sat down at the table, my friend said that in her house it is tradition to go around the table and to tell one thing you give thanks for. I found that incredibly moving. You have a glimpse into another person’s heart when you tell what you are thankful for.
And the food! Oh my! All my good resolutions, all my good intentions, down the drain – the food was SO good.
I took some photos to share with you:
The Veggies and the Salmon-Spinach Dip (oh WOW)
Making the world’s most tasty gravy, with fresh sage and thyme:
Carving one of the world’s most perfectly cooked turkeys:
The dining table – just before the carnage:
Thankgiving Invitation
Adventure Man and I will be attending different Thanksgiving Events this year, the first time ever. Here is the invitation to the event he will attend:
Thanksgiving!
•HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
•A THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION IS AT HAND
•A TIME TO GET TOGETHER TO GIVE THANKSGIVING, TO VISIT, TO CELEBRATE AND OF COURSE, TO EAT
•COME ONE AND ALL, COME EARLY TO THE THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION (usually the gathering starts around 9:00am)
•EVERYONE IS WELCOME AND BRING ANYONE YOU CAN GET TO COME ALONG
•COME EARLY, STAY LATE
•WE’LL HAVE THANKSGIVING LUNCH BETWEEN
1:00-1:30 PM
•THERE WILL BE ENOUGH FOOD PREPARED EARLY, IN CASE THE CHILDREN NEED TO EAT
•HOWEVER, THERE WILL BE PLENTY TO SNACK ON BEFORE THE MEALTIME
•KIDS BRING YOUR BATS, SOFTBALLS, KICKBALLS, FOOTBALLS, ROLLER SKATES, BIKES, SCOOTERS, ROPES OR WHATEVER
•Stay and Enjoy the leftovers for supper!!
WHEN: THANKSGIVING DAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2007
(Oh what fun!)
Care Package
From the time our son was seven years old, we began praying for the girl he would marry – we knew she was probably somewhere in the world! We asked that God keep her sweet, and that when she and our son met, they would recognize one another and love one another faithfully.
Our prayers were answered bountifully. When he met his wife-to-be, he called us and said “there is someone I want you to meet.” He wasn’t talking about marriage – they had just met – but he knew she was special. From the time they started dating, they both kind of knew – this was it.
We knew from the beginning we would love this young woman. What we didn’t know is that we would love her family so much. As we partied together before the wedding, we had so much fun! Her family, like ours, has a great traditions of “aunthood” and “the cousins” and family gatherings. The cousins all attend one another’s weddings, gather together for special weekends (they went white water rafting and hiking this last summer, and are already planning the next gathering.) We all value family.
As my Mother has undergone surgery recently, one of my sweet daughter-in-law’s aunts has called my Mother twice, just to chat, and totally brightened her day. She also sent us a most wonderful Care Package – Texas Pecans!
It doesn’t take much to thrill my heart. I feel so blessed.
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